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UNVARNISHED FACTS 

— AND — 

UNVARNISHED YARNS 


UNVARNISHED DRY GOODS MEN. 


BY ALBERT 



LOS ANGELES, CAL.: 


1889. 

C<7 





Copyrighted January, 1889 


EVENING EXPRESS CO. 
BOOK AND JOB PRINTERS, 
220 S. MAIN ST., 

LOS ANGELES. CALIFORNIA. 




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SUB TITLES. 

^ 

PAGE. 

A Few Remarks 3 

Mr. Soakum’s Scheme 11 

Mr. Pippin Wasteth Much Money and Affection 19 

Not in the Church of England Service 4<S 

A Discussion Produces Many Unvarnished Facts and 

Unvarnished Yarns 56 

Tongues Have They But Speak Not 72 

The Major .Joins the Army Be^'ore He Expected To, and 

Also Brings About a Much Needed Reform 84 

Dining Off Boiled Baby for Six Weeks 95 

Why a London Draper Passed as an American Citizen. 108 
Some Employers Rob Their Salespeople, Who in 

Turn Get Even on The Customers 149 

One of the Most Unvarnished Yarns in the Trade 159 

Another 165 

Cranks and Shoppers — Lo! The Woods Are Full of ’Em. 173 
Women VV’ho Lessen the Chances of Dry-Goods Men 
Ever Seeing the Inside of Heaven. 184 








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P P(^iu FJi^marHs. 


It has been truly said that one-half of the world knows 
not how the other half lives. 

In the following pages I have endeavored, in a slight meas- ‘ 
ure, to show to the public some of the evils existing behind 
the scenes of the great London drapery establishments, and 
mammoth dry goods stores of America. This is a business 
which appears to the casual observer — as at one time it did 
to me — to be one of the most pleasant anyone could possibly 
engage in. Twenty years’ experience, however, has served 
to dispel the illusion; for what I, in common with so many 
others, had once supposed to be an easy and light occupa- 
tion, has, in these years, proved to be one of most peculiarly 
trying hardships. 

Did it ever strike you when upon entering one of our great 
London shops, that the army of well-dressed, smiling and 
happy looking salespeople were anything but what they 
appeared ? 

With very few exceptions I venture to say it did not: for 
not only is this an age of appearances, but the London assis- 
tant has yet to be found parading the evils and wrongs exist- 
ing behind the scenes of his business life before the eyes of 
the public. 

Reader, if you be a father having sons and daughters old 
enough to go into business, and have a sincere wish for their 
future happiness, don’t let them see the inside of a draper’s 
shop. But if your circumstances are such that they compel 
you as a last resource to put your boys to this infernal busi- 


4 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


ness, take the advice of one who has been through the fire, 
and got severely scorched, “ don’t apprentice them in 

LONDON.” 

You,^nor anyone else, can imagine the temptations that 
beset them, or the utter loneliness of their positions in this 
great world. Here they are at a weak age suddenly torn 
from the tender care of a mother, and knowing nothing of 
the world, outside of the provincial town they were reared in, 

thrown among the millions already there fighting for a 

“ an existence,” I had almost said “ a living;” but you will 
believe me when I assert that there are to-day, were yester- 
day, and always will be, thousands ot wretched people in our 
great metropolis who do not^^livef’ hence the word '‘exis- 
tence ” in a place I would have been only to happy to fill with 
“ live.” 

Don’t do it, I say; I have been through the mill, and know 
whereof I speak. If you live in a country town, and must 
put your boy in the “ rag trade,” apprentice him where you, 
or some of his friends, can keep a watchful eye upon him. 

How well do I remember being left alone for the first time 
in this great city of “ poverty and wealth,” of “ sin and god- 
liness,” of “ gin palaces and churches,” of “ foul things and 
clean things,” of “ low music halls,” and “ elevating lecture 
rooms,” of “ stifling bar-rooms,” and “ splendid parks,” and 
in short, “everything bad,” and “everything good.’> 
Although since then I have been kicked about the world so 
much, that it no longer contains a stranger for me, I cannot 
efface from my memory the misery I first endured in that 
city with its crowding millions, not a soul of whom did -I 
know. 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


5 


There was no one to care for me, no one to point out the 
right road for me to travel, no one to correct me when I 
erred; but on the contrary, many to pat me on the back and 
call me a brick when T did wrong, and the greater the 
wrong, the more the patting. Under these circumstances — 
which may be met with in hundreds of houses, other than 
the one in which I was apprenticed — was it any wonder that 
I fell into the road I found the rest of my fellow apprentices 
traversing? No; why should I go into a house, and being 
the youngest in it, take upon myself the presumptuous task 
of constructing a new and separate path for myself ? Cer- 
tainly what had served the thousands preceding me, should 
also be good enough for me; and so it goes on, a youth 
serves his time, and another fills the vacancy arising; and 
he being of an age at which a boy would rather do wrong 
and get called a brick, than do right and get sneered at, it is 
natural for him to take his first walks upon the most pleas- 
ant highway, and the first thing he knows, he has gone so 
far along it, that the entrance is clear out of sight, and to 
think of turning back is useless. 

The narrative of the luckless “Pippin,” related by Mr. 
Bright, is an apt illustration of how soon a boy in one of 
these London houses becomes a confirmed liar, and ever 
walling to execute some wicked scheme. Mr. Bright tells us 
he had been in the trade just “one year,” and yet, before he 
concludes his yarn, he becomes a self-confessed hardened liar. 

Discarding all ideas of literary excellence, I have as nearly 
as possible produced the yarns found in the following pages 
in the language of those originally telling them. When I 
say as nearly as possible — as the reader wall be very likely 


6 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


to guess, if he has an extensive acquaintance among the 
class of men contributing them — I mean, I have shorn them 
of some of the “ Latin terms,” the average salesman has such 
a great command of when spinning a yarn. 

If by chance any of the characters delineated should bear 
a resemblance to you; or if any of the narratives contain 
anything pointing your way, I offer no apology; for it is 
you more than another whom I wish to reach. Should you 
happen to be a London employer, conscious of not providing 
your assistants with proper food and lodging; or if you have 
been guilty of swelling your income by deducting fines, etc., 
from their meagre earnings, and then sought to lessen the 
enormity of your offence, by saying these amounts are re- 
quired to keep up the “library, etc.,” you had better 
close this book without further perusal of its pages; for 
possessing the tender feelings invariably belonging to 
your class, it is possible for them to be wounded by 
some of the “unvarnished facts” herein related. 

If you be an American woman, described by one of the 
narratives as “A Shopper,” you also had better go no fur- 
ther into these pages; and yet after all I hope you will, for 
who can tell but what some good may be wrought by so 
doing? It is possible that you may have never given the 
matter any serious thought, and have grown up in the belief 
that the dry-goods stores of the town in which you live are 
so MANY “bazaar’s,” placed there for your amusement, and 
as a means of killing time, and you have a perfect right to 
use them and the clerks employed therein in this manner. 
If you have such ideas, discard them at once, for they are 
erroneous, and in many instances the practicing of them 
has cost a poor clerk his or her position. 


' UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


7 


I once knew a case resulting in this disastrous manner. 
A woman* entered a store and began to look at goods, 
and at the end of an hour had purchased nothing, as 
she was rising from her seat, the clerk expressed his regrets 
at not being able to please her. Oh ! but you have pleased 
me, quoth the lady; I had to wait about an hour for my 
train to go out, so I thought I would just drop in and see 
what you had. Oh! yes you have pleased me very well indeed; 
much obliged, good morning, and 'the next minute left the 
store. Five minutes afterwards the clerk with two days 
salary in his pocket did the same thing. 

Now I am unwilling to believe that any lady, either En- 
glish or American, has any wish to throw one of so needy a 
class out of employment, even though the situation be, as it 
often is, one from which barely enough is derived to keep 
body and soul from dissolving partnership, therefore to the 
American lady I would most earnestly say “don’t shop.” If 
you have an intention of purchasing something in the near 
future, and wish to know what is obtainable in this line, 
go info a store and say so, tell the clerk you do not wish to 
purchase today, but you would like to see what he has. If 
you do this, you will find it will have a most pleasing effect, 
for the salesman struck by your candor — everybody admires 
candor — will take three times as much trouble in order to 
make a favorable impression. 

But if, on the other hand, you bounce into a store and let 
on you want to buy “ God’s footstool,” you will only do it 
once] for. mark my words, from, that day forth you are 
“ spotted,” and as much as possible avoided. If you do not 
believe what I say, go and try both methods, and see which 


8 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


pays best; and you, my countrywomen, whom I hold and 
revere above all others — and I have seen and known many 
others — to you I would say, do not suppose for one instant, 
that the neat and invariably pleasant assistants that wait 
upon you in our great London shops, travel a path bestrewn 
entirely with roses. Oh, no; it is true, you are very seldom 
allowed to witness any of the miseries they have to endure — 
and endure in silence too — but still they exist, and exist to 
a most alarming extent. * 

What would you say, do, or think, if by chance you en- 
tered one of these establishments in which you had a 
daughter employed, and found that daughter in tears, called 
forth by a torrent of oaths and imprecations from the lips 
of a brutal employer or manager? 

“Oh,” I fancy I hear you say, “but surely there are no men 
who so far forget themselves as to curse and swear at de- 
fenseless young girls?” 

Oh yes there are, and most emphatically I assert it; for 
have I not seen them with mine own eyes? and shall I not be- 
lieve what I have seen? 

Think of it; imagine if you can, a young and delicate girl 
working from twelve o’clock dinner time, till eleven o’clock 
of a Saturday night, with nothing past her lips but a slice 
of bread and butter and a cup of weak tea ; weary and faint, 
and almost ready to drop, she asks permission to go to sup- 
per, and gets for an answer: 

“Supper be damned! Go and attend to my customers. 
Dont talk to me about supper.” 

I HAVE WITNESSED THIs! 

. And you, young man, what would you do if you went into 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


9 


an establishment which numbered a beloved sister of yours 
among it’s employes, and found there a man — or rather 
A DEVIL — breathing into her ears %dllainy, which, if he 
heard applied to his own sister, wretch though he be, he 
would not hesitate to strike the one using it to the ground? 
And yet, / have heard these things with mine oxen ears, and 
shall I not believe what I have heard? 

American mothers need not turn up their eyes in holy 
horror at this, and pharisaically exclaim: “Thank God we 
have none of these things;” for you have! And what else 
can you expect, when thousands of girls in your large cities 
are employed at salaries of three, four and five dollars a 
week?” • 

Now, do you mean to tell me — in spite of all that has been 
written by “ cranks,” upon the subject of economical living 
— that a Chicago girl, for instance, can pay car-fare, and 
room rent, and honestly keep herself in food, clothes, medi- 
cine, and virtue, on a salary of three dollars a week? 

1 once heard a young and beautiful girl — who had spent 
some years in American drygoods stores, and had, therefore, 
an opportunity to see these things, say: “If I had a 
dozen daughters to provide for, and was seventy years old, 
I looidd rather do scrxdxbing myself and see them scrub, before 
I would allow one of them to enter this business.” 

“ Why,” I asked mechanically. 

“ If you were a married man I would tell you.” And her 
answer, brief as it was, could not have been more complete 
and suggestive. 

My God, parents, knowing these things will you continue 
to put your daughters into such a business? 


10 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


In conclusion, I would say that, if I can, in a small de- 
gree, lighten the labors of my fellow-workers in a business 
with which I have long since grown disgusted, I shall feel 
that the number of years it has taken me to obtain the ex- 
perience I am about to relate of life in the drygoods stores 
of America, and draper’s- shops of England, have not been 
altogether wasted. During these years I have come across 
many things to amuse, many to annoy, many to arouse in- 
dignation, many to cause the hot tears of misery and shame 
to be shed, many to quicken the beatings of the heart, many 
to almost make it stand still; many things degrading, many 
elevating, many rich women, many poor, many kind and 
thoughtful, many heartless, many in rags, many in silks, 
many in carriages, many barefooted, many haughty, many 
modest, many wishing to buy, many to look around and be 
amused, many lying about competitors’ prices, many not 
knowing or caring for them. In short, I, in common 
with thousands of others, have come to the conclusion that 
the female character, not to be met with in this business, 

DOES NOT EXIST. 


(Tlr. SoaHiJ(T)’5 5(;l7eme. 


Many years ago I was living in a London house employ- 
ing about fifty men, forty, at least, of whom did not adorn the 
lapels of their coats with blue ribbon. Having finished our 
day’s work we would on winter evenings repair to “ a little 
pub around the corner,” and take charge of the bar parlor 
until the time for closing our dormitories had nearly arrived. 
On these occasions we would indulge in a drink or two, or 
more, smoke our pipes, and like all draper’s assistants, when 
they got together, tell yarns. 

The jovial innkeeper, finding our visits were very frequent 
and regular, and certainly not unprofitable, surprised us one 
night by meeting us at the door, and conducting the whole 
of our prrty to a room upstairs, which he informed us had 
that day been specially prepared for our exclusive use. It 
was with no small degree of satisfaction we received this in- 
formation from Mr. Soakum, for we had long ago found the 
conveniences offered by the bar-room below to be inadequate, 
to say nothing of the liability of being intruded upon by 
unwelcome patrons of the “ Crown.” Now, as this room was 
destined to become the place wherein most of the following 
incidents were related, a description of its chief features may 
not be out of place. 

To begin with, its length could not be much less than forty 
feet, whilst its breadth would probably be about thirty; at 
each end a large and cheerful fire was burning in an open 


12 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


grate; giving at once warmth and brightness to the surround- 
ings. Over the centre of the floor were scattered Utrecht 
velvet-covered chairs of irregular sizes and shapes, and 
before each of these stood a small table, with a match-holder 
in the centre; underneath each of these tables w’as placed a 
spittoon filled with fresh sawdust. Along both sides of the 
room ran a platform about a foot high, supporting two rows 
of cane bottom chairs, the appearance of which the landlord 
accounted for by informing us that the room had once been 
used as a billiard parlor, but the same amount of amusement 
being offered for half the price'at a neighboring coffee palace, 
he had been compelled to sell his tables and discharge the 
markers. Nothing else remains to be described, except it be 
that the whole room was richly carpeted. 

The reason he had gone to such an expense in fitting up 
this room so comfortably, for what he declared our exclusive 
and special use, did not at once appear quite clear to us; 
and simultaneously half a dozen w’ere asking Mr. Soakumfor 
some enlightenment upon the matter. 

“ Well, gentlemen,” stammered Mr. Soakum, “ If you will 
be kind enough to be seated, and take a drink all around at 
the expense of the house, I will try to explain it to you.” 

These few words had scarcely left the lips of our worthy 
landlord, ere we found ourselves comfortably resting in the 
plush-covered couches, and each man had ordered his own 
particular drink. 

Whilst the barman went below to procure them, Mr. 
Soakum, after clearing his throat, began by saying, “Well, 
gentlemen, I suppose you do think it a little strange that I 
should go to work and spend a great many pounds on this 


UNNARNISHED YARNS. 13 

here room, after having to sell all my billiard tables; but the 
fact is, gentlemen. I’ve got a scheme.” 

“A scheme,” cried a dozen voices at once. “A scheme.” 
“Let’s hear it.” “Come, what is it?” “ Spit it out.” 

“Well, gentlemen, as I said before,” proceeded Mr. 
Soakum in a more confiden tialtone, “ I’ve got a ‘scheme’ 

and if I maj’- make bold to broach it to you ” 

Here arose a cry from all parts of the room of “Go on,” 
“Go on,” “ Let’s hear it,” *' Spit it out,” etc. 

When the noise had subsided, Mr. Soakum, feeling no 
doubt encouraged by the way he had been received, began 
again, “Well, gentleman, I’ve got a ‘scheme,’ and it is this: 
Last winter many I now see before me used to spend their 
evenings in my house. I am proud to be able to say it; my 
bar-parlor down-stairs used to be crowded every night, and 
I did my best to make them and their friends — who have 
since left this part of London — feel comfortable and at home. 
Many a winter night I have sat down 'and took a drink with 
them, and listened to and laughed at the yarns and tales 
that would be told by them. Great yarns fhey were, too, 
and my poor wife, who has since gone the way of all flesh, 
would laugh till she cried; and then cry herself so dry that 
a drink of gin and water — my wife never drank anything 
but gin and water — was needed to moisten her up again. 
Now it is these very yarns which you gentlemen tell in such 
great numbers and in such style that an old tar would turn 
green with envy if he should chance to hear them, that sug- 
gested this scheme to me. I have, as you see, furnished 
this room in a very comfortable manner; and it is capable 
of seating, with the chairs along the sides, at least a hundred 


14 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


fellows. Now what I propose is, that you gentlemen form 
among yourselves some kind of a club, and make this room 
your headquarters. I won’t charge you anything for the 
use of it; more than the price of your drinks; and in addi- 
tion will give a dinner once a month to all the members.” 

As Mr. Soakum concluded his remarks he sat down. 
Cheer after cheer rent the smoky atmosphere; but in an 
instant, as if by magic, all was silence. This was caused by 
the entrance of the barman bearing a tray containing the 
drinks for the crowd, and my only wonder is that he did not 
drop the whole lot when the mob had yelled a moment 
before. Each fellow being supplied, one of them rose to his 
feet and proposed the health of the landlord, and success to 
his “ scheme,” which was heartily drank by all present. 

Mr. Soakum returned thanks the best way his excited 
condition would allow, and then asked permission to with- 
draw, giving as his excuse for so doing, that his bar and 
customers downstairs had to be looked after. 

After the landlord had left us we ordered another drink 
all round, and then came questions from all sides, as to what 
was thought of Mr. Soakum’s scheme? Well, gents, broke in 
the man who had proposed the landlord’s health, I think I 
am the oldest man in the room, and have lived in the house 
longer than anyone else; on the strength of this I will ven- 
ture to make a few suggestions. We all signified our wish 
to hear Mr. Lane on the question, and after sipping his 
whisky and water that gentleman commenced. 

As far as forming a club is concerned I think the idea a 
good one, but you must all know that if we rely upon our 
own numbers to carry it out, it will, in my opinion, be a fiat 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


15 


failure; here we are at the - very most forty, and supposing 
the average attendance per night be thirty, and each of those 
thirty take two drinks at threepence a piece, that will net the 
house fifteen shillings a night, and at the end of the month 
all that Mr. Soakum would receive from us would not exceed 
twenty-one pounds. Now, I fail to see how any landlord 
can pay rent and the multitude of other expenses incidental 
to the business, and make a profit out of this amount, after 
giving us a dinner one night a month; probably the only 
night in the month that all the members w'ould be in attend- 
ance, Now, what I have to suggest as a remedy for this, and 
what I think in my own mind, will be of benefit to ourselves, 
as well as to Mr. Soakum is, that we appoint a committee to 
call upon the fellows employed in the other houses in this 
neighborhood, tell them of our plans and invite them to join 
us in this matter. I see no reason why we should keep this 
thing so confoundedly exclusive, the more the merrier I say; 
besides, who can tell when any of us may leave our present 
berth and go into one of the other houses? Such a thing is 
quite likely to happen to any of us at any time, and the man 
who has belonged to this club, w^ould think it very hard in- 
deed if he found the door closed to him, because he left our 
house and went to work for Brown, or for Lute & Fisk. I am 
further inclined to think also, that Mr. Soakum really meant 
something of the kind should be done, when he said the 
room w'ould seat a hundred fellows, but was deterred from 
saying so by his modesty. I am sure no gentleman present 
would wish to take any advantage of a man who has gone 
to so much trouble and expense in fitting up this room for 
our comfort, or w'ants to see him lose money by the venture! 


16 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


Here arose a cry from all parts of the room of “ no,” no,” 
and Mr. Lane continued. Now let us see how many fellows 
we can raise from the other houses. Brown keeps at least 
seventy-five; suppose we calculate upon persuading thirty, 
five of these to join us; then Lute & Fisk employ about 
sixty fellows, if we can procure thirty of their names, we 
shall have a total of ninety-five, and perhaps with a little 
harder work we can stretch it to a hundred. Now, if we can 
get an average attendance of sixty-five per night, I think we 
can safely look forward to a good time, and at the same time 
make it a paying thing for Old Soakum, who really deserves 
to be patronized freely for his enteprise. 

At the conclusion of these remarks Mr. Lane resumed his 
seat, and a fellow by the name of Barton, after looking at 
his watch, rose to his feet and said, he perfectly agreed with 
everything Mr. Lane had just said, and as it was getting 
late he thought it would be well to take a vote of the fellows 
here assembled, and then in the event of it being carried- 
at once proceed to appoint a committee to visit Brown’s, or 
Lute & Fisk’s on the morrow. 

Mr. Johnson rose to second the motion, and it was accord- 
ingly put to the vote, without further ceremony, and carried 
unanimously. 

“ Well, gents, let’s get a chairman,” cried a fellow in the 
back of the audience . Some one cried out for Lane. Car- 
ried. 

“We don’t want any vice? No. Now for the committee. 
Hellwood! Hellwood carried. Dashlap! Dashlap carried. 
Johnson! Johnson carried. Harper! Harper carried.” 

Here the chairman rose to his feet and said: “Well, 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 17 

gentlemen, with myself, that makes five; and I think that 
this number will be sufficient.” 

Everybody thought so too; so, after one more drink all 
round, the meeting broke up; and on the next day the com- 
mittee waited on the fellows in the other houses; who were 
greatly delighted with the chance to do anything that would 
in so great a measure help to render the long winter even- 
ings, pleasant, comfortable and inexpensive. 

The next night when we entered the “ Crown,” our mem- 
bers, augmented by the fellows from Brown’s, and Lute and 
Fisk’s;' Mr. Soakum was beside himself with joy, and in- 
sisted on every man — there were a hundred and ten of us — 
taking something “ on the house;” the tame resistance we 
offered to this proposal was useless, so we gave way to the 
inevitable, and then told our landlord, how we had discussed 
his scheme, broached ta us the night before, and in the end 
had decided to ask the fellows from the neighboring houses 
to join us. 

“ That’s just what I wanted, gentlemen,” cried Mr. 
Soakum, with evident delight; “nothing could give me more 
pleasure, only I did not like to say so last night; I was 
afraid you might think me over-grasping; but I am not, 
gents, and I’ll prove it to you at the end of the month;” and 
so he did; for what he had in his modesty called a “din- 
ner,” turned out to be a very good apology for a full-fledged 
“ banquet.” 

As soon as the drinks arrived, our delighted landlord left 
us, to look after his bar and customers below, as he had done 
the night before, and Mr. Lane, who we now regarded in the 
light of “ master of ceremonies,” took a chair at the top of 


2 


18 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


the room, and, calling us to order, enquired if we had 
thought of the question of rules? 

‘‘ Rules, be hanged!” cried several of the younger mem- 
bers; “ we don’t want any rules.” 

Mr. Johnson rose to his feet and said: “ Mr. Lane, I don’t 
think we need bother about framing a set of rules; this in- 
stitution, I take it, will be more of a free-and-easy than 
anything else; and, in my opinion, but one rule is really 
needed, and that is this: ‘That every member be a draper’s 
assistant.’ ” 

The rules are all carried cried the juniors, in a -voice, 
and the older assistants raising no further objection, it was 
finally agreed that Mr. Johnson’s suggestion be adopted, and 
this matter settled. The balance of the night was spent in 
smoking, drinking, and singing of several songs of a nauti- 
cal character, chiefly remarkable for boisterous choruses; and 
a few minutes before eleven we left the “ Crown ” to seek our 
respective beds. 


fHr. pippip U/astetl^ (TIuel; /Tloi^ey ar^d pffi^citioQ. 


The attendance next night was naturally smaller than it 
had been at our first meeting, but still the club-room appeared 
comfortably filled; and when every man had ordered “some- 
thing,” and been supplied with it, Mr. Lane took the chair 
and called us to order, then asked for some member to 
arise and sing a song, tell a yarn, relate an experience, or 
in some other way interest the company. Several minutes 
elasped however, without anyone responding to the call, and 
the chairman inquired if there were any subjects any gen- 
tleman would like discussed, if so, would he please put it 
to the meeting at once? But again no reply came, every fel- 
low having apparently lost the use of his tongue. 

There we sat like a lot of mummies, stolidly drawing at 
our pipes, and watching each other through the clouds of 
smoke therefrom, each man wishing the next one to say 
something. 

“Well, gentlemen,” exclaimed Mr. Lane with a sigh, “you 
are the queerest lot of drapers I ever saw; never before have 
I met one but what could usually talk any other man blind. 
Come, some of you, open your mouths and say something.” 
Still no one did so, except to silently sip their drinks; and 
Mr. Lane growing desperate, at last cried out: “Gentlemen, 
I can plainly see that we shall have to add one more rule at 
least to our already extensive list.” 


20 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


“What’s that?” the whole lot of us cried at once, sud- 
denly finding our tongues. “Why, if we are going to sit 
here like a lot of oysters and no one say a word, when the 
chairman asks for a song, or yarn, I move that we make it 
a rule to empower the chairman to call upon any man pres- 
ent, ‘ by name,’ to sing a song or tell a yarn, or do something 
by way of interesting the audience, and the one so called 
upon must be bound to comply with his request.” 

Mr. Buggins rose to second that motion, adding that he 
could see no other way, judging from the exhibition he had 
just witnessed, by which we could ever make any headway. 
This motion was accordingly put to the vote by Mr. Lane, 
and after a good deal of wrangling was finally carried by a 
substantial majority, 

Mr. Lane upon finding himself clothed with authority lost 
no time in making use of it, and glancing around the room, 
selected for his first victim Mr. Bright. 

The young man immediately stood up and Avas greeted 
Avith a round of loud applause. Then arose a cry of “ Song 
Bright,” “ sing us a song. Bright,” “ no, no, tell us a yarn, 
Bright,” “ a yarn,” “ a yarn,” “ spin us a twister,” etc. 

The “ victim” finding the demand for a yarn to be greater 
than that for a song, emptied his glass, and several others 
being reminded of the demoralized condition of their own 
did the same, and rang for the Avaiter to fill them up again. 
Whilst this Avas being done Mr. Bright asked permission to 
sit doAvn and finish his pipe, and think of something inter- 
esting to relate. This request was of course granted, and the 
chairman added that he saAV no necessity for anyone to stand 
up unless they wished to do so. 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


21 


The other fellows began to settle themselves comfortably 
in their seats, and wait for the drinks to arrive and the yarn 
to commence. In a very short while all preparations had 
been made, and without any further delay, IMr. Bright 
knocked the ashes from his briar and started the “first 
yarn:” “ Well, gentlemen, as you will observe, I am not 
very old; therefore, as a natural consequence, my experience 
in the trade is rather limited; and, if by relating what I in- 
tend to, I fail to please some of the older ones in the room, 
it will not be because I have not done my best. As I have 
said before, my experience in the ‘ rag trade’ is not very ex- 
tensive, and I have found, after thinking of the matter for 
some time, that I shall be bound to go back to my ap- 
prenticeship in order to be able to relate anything I know, 
of sufficient interest.” Here, Mr. Bright paused a moment 
to sip his toddy, and the fellows clapped a little, but did not 
get at all boisterous. “ About five years ago,” began Bright, 
“I had been in the trade a little over a year, most of which 
period had been spent in the cash desk; it being the rule of 
the house I served my time in, for each and every apprentice 
to enter the desk and remain there until a vacancy occurred 
by one of the others leaving; and a new boy arrived to take 
his place. Sometimes a lad would be lucky enough to only 
put in three or four months; and, on the other hand, as in 
my case, he would be unfortunate enough to spend a year 
or more, in this most trying of all positions, a boy — 
especi^illy a new' one in all probability fresh from some 
country town — can be placed in. Sick and w'eary of mak- 
ing change, and adding long columns of figures, I longed 
for the time to arrive for my release. And come it did at 


22 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


last, for one of the fellows having served his four years to 
the satisfaction of the firm, he received his indentures, and 
with them the title of a ‘ full fledged assistant.’ A few 
mornings later, a new boy entered the house and was put in 
the desk with me, whose duty it now became to instruct him 
in all the different branches of a cashier’s department. This 
initiation usually took two, or at the most, three days; but, 
in the case of young Pippin, a whole week was necessary be- 
fore he could manage to get along by himself; he was so in- 
fernally verdant. Why, he was so green, that I verily be- 
lieve, had he been translated to the other world the first 
morning he entered that desk, he would have needed drying 
before they could have burnt him.” 

Here followed a burst of laughter, mingled with much 
stamping of feet and clapping of hands; and we all kept 
our eyes upon the speaker with even greater interest than 
before. When quietness had been restored, Mr. Bright 
resumed his yarn. 

“ In point of size the new boy was almost full-grown; he 
was the son of a Somerset farmer, and had large red hands, 
sunburnt face, and that peculiar shade of hair known as 
‘ mouse color.’ On the whole, he looked about as verdant as 
one of his worthy father’s cabbages might haye done, in the 
height of its greenest beauty. But however green he looked 
it was by his actions and words, that any adequate idea of 
the extent of his verdure could be formed. Whether or not 
he had been the popular beau and Adonis of the village he 
had just left, I do not know, but certain it was he had no 
small opinion of his ability as a ladykiller, for before he had 
been in the house an hour he had pointed out to me at least 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


23 


a dozen girls, whose hearts he intended to shatter in the near 
future. When dinner time came I told the other appren- 
tices what kind of a ‘ bird ’ Pippin was, and how he intended 
to play havoc with the female hearts. On hearing this the 
boys, who saw much fun stored in the future, all laughed 
heartily, and Braster inquired of me who it was that seemed 
to strike the amorous Pippin’s fancy the greatest? I told him 
that judging from the many tender looks he had given her’ 
and from the multitude of questions he had asked me con- 
cerning her, I thought it was Kate Richards. ‘ Kate Rich- 
ards,’ cried Hastings, ‘ great Scott, boys, but won’t we have 
some fun with this gallant Pippin, if we don’t make this 
farmer wish he had staid at home, my name ain’t what it 
is.’ ‘ What do you propose to do? ’ asked Braster. ‘ Doj 
why come up to the stable and I will tell you of a plan which 
I think will work like a charm.’ And as he spoke Hastings 
led the way, closely followed by the rest of the apprentices, 
five of us in number. Having secured the door of the stable, 
not wishing to be interrupted, Hastings at once proceeded to 
divulge his scheme.” 

Of course, you all know that Kate Richards is my cousin, 
and as Bright says, this ‘green juggins’ seems to be more 
gone on her than any of the others, I think it gives me the 
right to, the first chance, to suggest the punishment the fool 
deserves.” 

The truth of this was so apparent that none of us sought 
to dispute it, but on the contrary urged Hastings to hurry up 
and broach his plans. “ Well, in the first place. Bright, do 
you know if the greenhorn has got any of the ‘rhino?’ ” 

“Oh, yes,” I answered him, “I saw him change a quid 


24 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


this morning to pay the carrier for delivering his trunk.” 
“ Good, now what I propose to do is this: I’ll go and put 
Kate up to the racket, and you Bright must introduce him to 
her; then, next Thursday as we close up at five o’clock, and 
are allowed to stay out till twelve, we will all go up to the 
city and have some fun.” 

“Well, but what sort of fun do you intend to give us?” 
cried Braster. “ Don’t be in such a deWl of a sweat, and I 
will tell you,” replied Hastings; then he continued, “ Bright, 
you must go to work and make him believe that Kate is 
completely ‘gone on him;’ and then tell him that the right 
thing for him to do, would be to offer to take her to some 
theatre or music hall next Thursday evening, and if he has 
got plenty of money as you say he has, and is so delightfully 
fresh and green, there is no doubt in the world but that he 
will walk right into the trap. In the meantime, I having 
put Kate up to the game, she upon being asked, will of course 
accept his offer. Now, comes the part of my plan by which 
all of us will get a share of the fun at Pippin’s expense. 
Having decided on some place to go — wherever it may be, 
Kate will of course give us the tip — Kate will tell him just 
as he is about to buy the tickets, that she has made arrange- 
ments to meet her two sisters and their fellows — she ain’t 
got any sisters, but that don’t matter — who wish to go with 
them, but as they cannot get there before half past eight, and 
therefore, too late to procure good seats, would he mind buy- 
ing all the tickets, and then when she met her friends 
they would repay him for doing so. Having done this, the 
next thing for Kate to do, will be to get possession of all the 
tickets — this we will leave to her own ingenuity, she will 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


25 


work it all right — and give him the slip, and meet ns five 
fellows at some place previously agreed upon; then we will 
all go to the theatre at Pippin’s expense. That is my scheme, 
boys, and I think it a very good one, what do you think?” 

We all thought it a fine scheme; but Braster, who by 
the way was the oldest, said he did not think it would work. 

“Won’t work? Why not?” cried Hastings. 

“ Because, when Miss Richards asks him to buy six tickets 
he will be sure to smell a rat.” 

“ Smell a rat, behanged,” cried Hastings, somewhat 
testily; “ why the fellow, to judge from his looks, is too in- 
fernally green to smell anything. Besides, when he finds 
himself in a London crowd around a theatre box-ofiice, with 
my charming cousin at his side, the country joskin will be 
so badly scared and excited, that I’ll make a wager he’ll do 
anything and everything she tells him to. In fact, I feel so 
sure of the success of my plans, and havo such faith in my 
cousin, that I will even go farther, and promise, in the event 
of these failing, to buy the tickets for the crowd myself.” 

Such a proposal as this from Hastings left no room for 
further argument, and it was agreed that the scheme he had 
so much confidence- in, should be worked. Just as we reached 
this decision, the sound of the second bell reminded us that 
time was up, and we, each of us, entered the shop and re- 
sumed our respective duties. 

Whilst the second party were in at dinner, Hastings 
brought his cousin round to the desk, and, it being a slack 
time of the day, the three of us talked the matter over be- 
tween us; Kate, on' learning our plan, fell in with it as 
natural as a duck takes to water. “ You leave it to me. 


26 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


boys, and if we don’t have a good time at the expense of 
this greenhorn, my name shall remain Kate Richards.” 

“ When Pippen returned to the desk, I began to carry out 
my allotted part, by telling him a certain young lady had 
made a great many inquiries about him, whilst he had been 
at dinner.” 

“ She has?” cried the delighted Pippin. “Ah! ah! didn’t 
I tell you Fd fetch ’em. I knowed it, I did. I’ve seen gals 
afore, I have. You leave me alone. I know all about gals, 
I do, if I am a young man from the country?” 

“ To this I quietly replied that it certainly looked that 
way.” 

At this he gave a self-satisfied grin, and remarked: “Just 
you leave Jack Pippin alone, and he’ll show you a thing or 
two. But, which gal is it?” 

“ The one with the black hair and dark eyes,” I replied. 

“ What? the one with black hair and dark eyes do you 
say? Why nothing could suit me better than that ’un; she’s 
a regular stunner, she is.” 

“ A stunner! 1 should say she was a stunner, and if you 
like, I Avill introduce you to her. Nothing, he assured me 
could give him so much pleasure; and, accordingly, the next 
time MisB Richards came to the desk, I introduced the 
blushing Pippin.” 

“ My, but she is a rattler; what hair, and oh, my! I never 
saw such eyes before except in a waxwork show, what kind 
of a gal is she? does she ever go to the theatre? or is she one 
of the religious sort?” 

“ She goes to the theatre Avhenever she can get a gentle- 
man to take her,” I replied in the most unconcerned manner 
I could assume. 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


27 


“ She does, then I am going to ask her to go with me, 
blowed if I ain’t. Do you think she -will?” 

“ Well, to judge from the way she spoke of you, and from 
the fact that she has no regular gentleman friend, I should 
say she would be delighted. But, I added, if I were you I 
would not be in too much of a hurry to ask her, she may 
not like to consent on the strength of so short an acquaintance; 
perhaps you had better wait until to-morrow; and in the- 
meantime content yourself by paying her little compliments, 
.and thus gradually feel jmur way along.” 

This suggestion evidently met with his approval, for he at 
once promised me to act upon it. Shortly after this, Kate 
Richards came to the desk with a bill, and as I made the 
change for her Pipppin paid her his first compliment, and 
this is how he did it; Thrusting his untidy head over the 
top of the desk, and covering his features with a grin, he no 
doubt thought most fetching, he blurted out: “ hullo, my fine 
lass, how bist thee now? I must say thee bist looking devil- 
ish pretty.” 

Kate looked at him very sweetly out of her beautiful eyes, 
and then hung her head in the most demure and modest 
manner conceivable, but not before she had flashed a wink 
at me, without being observed by the now thoroughly excited 
Pippin. I could have roared with laughter at the village- 
masher, but I knew it would seriously endanger our plans; 
so digging my teeth deep into my lips, I managed to exist 
without exploding. When Miss Richards had left the desk 
I really thought the kid was going to have a fit, and it was 
only by telling him that the shopwalker would hear him, 
and then stop the whole affair, that I could induce him to 
suppress his laughter. 


28 


UNVaRxNISHED yarns. 


“ Oh,” he cried, “ if Bill Barnes could only be here and see 
me going it with a gal like that he’d go off and cut his 
throat. Oh, my, what a fool I have been to fight with him 
over such a gal as that Sal Brown, when here in London I 
can make a mash on such a fine gal as Miss Richards.” 

During the afternoon Pippin worked off a few more of his 
highly polished compliments, and at every one Kate w'ould 
smile sweetly, tip me the wink, etc. When at last the day’s 
business was over, and we had eaten our supper, we went up 
to the barracks — as we called our bedroom — here I intro- 
duced Pippin to the other boys, and told them he had done 
something everyone of them had failed to do. 

‘‘ And what is that,” they inquired. “ Why, he has ac- 
tually made an impression on the best looking girl in the 
house, that too, in a very short while; and that is some- 
thing all you fellows have been unable to accomplish in 
the last six months.” 

Of course, this was only my blarney, for as a matter of 
fact, not one of the fellows had ever dreamed of such a thing, 
but they nevertheless saw what I was driving at, and ap- 
peared to be very much astonished at what they termed Pip- 
pin’s good luck; but they one and all hastened to assure him 
that no feelings of jealousy or ill-will existed against 'him, 
for he had certainly done it fairly, and they took great pleas- 
ure in congratulating him on his success. 

At this exhibition of good feeling towards him Pippin 
mumbled something about not knowing he was cutting any- 
body out, or he would not have done it; for no one knew bet- 
ter than he what it was to be cut out, having only Iqst week 
been robbed of the affections of Sal Brown, by his village 
rival. Bill Barnes. 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


29 


In a little while the conversation drifted into some other 
channel, and soon it was time for us to go to bed. Pippin, 
of course, had to sleep with me, we being the two junior 
apprentices; and when the light had been put out, he began 
to talk in a low voice of the subject I knew was filling his 
mind to the utter exclusion of all other topics. “I am going 
to buy her something to-morrow, but I don’t know what she 
likes, do you?” 

“Yes,” I said, “she is deathly fond of chocolate creams; 
I have known her before now to eat three pounds before din- 
ner.” As I told him this yarn, I could hear what sounded 
very much like smothered laughter coming from under the 
clothes of the other beds. But if they were smothered 
laughs, they turned to smothered groans, when Pippin re- 
marked that he was not going to do anything by halves, 
and if she could eat three pounds of chocolate creams in a 
morning, she could eat six pounds in the whole day, and six 
pounds he would buy her on the following day. 

“ You must have lots of money to be able to buy her so 
much at once, for of course you will buy her none but the 
best, and they are two shillings a pound.” 

“ I don’t care if they are five shillings a pound, I can afford 
it." My father gave me a new five-pound note before I left 
home, and I have nearly four of it left.” 

On hearing this I felt greatly relieved, for when he had 
told me of his intention to spend twelve shillings at a smack, 
for chocolate creams, I began to entertain grave fears for 
the successful working of our other plans, supposing of course 
that the sovereign I had seen him change during the day W'as 
all the money he had. Well, after a little more small talk 


so 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


we turned over and went to sleep; at least I did, but 
whether or no Pippin was able to woo the gentle goddess in 
his excited condition, I do not know. 

The next day was Wednesday, the day Pippin intended to 
gather much happiness to himself. After breakfast he went 
down the street, and we fellows who had been waiting for him 
to do so, knowing what he was going for, crossed over to the 
other side, and took up a position commanding a full view 
of Hayton’s confectionery. 

As we were speculating among ourselves as to the quantity 
of chocolate creams each one of us would eat that day, we 
saw him emerging from the shop, carrying two large white 
paper bags; and Ave hastened off to inform Miss Richards 
what good luck was in store for her. She entered into the 
joke of the thing with as much spirit as she had shown in 
the other matter, and promised to accept them, and after- 
wards divide them with the assistants in the house. When 
I entered the desk. Pippin was already there, and the first 
thing he did Avas to show me the tAvo bags of SAveets, care- 
fully put away in a draAver. 

“ But, why two bags?” I inquired. 

“ Why, because they only had three pouqds of creams, so 
I bought another three pounds of burnt almonds; do you 
think she will like them just as Avell?” 

“ Its strange,” I replied, “ that a big shop like Hayton’s 
should be so nearly out of chocolate creams; but I suppose 
Miss Richards buys such a quantity of them — she had 
never, to my knowledge, bought an ounce, but Pippin did 
not know that — that they do experience some difficulty in 
keeping their stock up; however, I have no doubt but Avhat 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


31 


the burnt almonds will prove quite as acceptable.” If they 
don’t suit her they will us boys, I thought. 

Soon Pippin began to look out for an opportunity to pre- 
sent the sweets, and he did not have long to wait for it. 
Kate being in the joke, made some excuse to call at the 
desk, and as she told me of her pretended business there, 
wished Pippin good morning, — at the same time gi^dng him 
one of her sweetest smiles. 

This was all the encouragement the tender youth required, 
and, in less time than it takes to tell, he had whipped out 
his two bags of candy and pressed them upon the blushing 
girl. Having procured the sweets, Kate hurried off with 
them into the warehouse below, and, strange as it may ap- 
pear, everyone in the house had important business down 
there that morning. 

Here Mr. Bright paused a few minutes to take breath and 
another sip of his toddy, whilst the other fellows, who had 
scarcely moved a muscle, or made a sound, so close had 
been their attention to the speaker, took the opportunity to 
stretch their legs and refill their pipes. 

“But,” resumed Mr. Bright, “the sequel to all this run- 
ning up and down stairs in the morning, came at dinner 
time, for hardly one of the assistants in the house did jus- 
tice to the meal, the sickly creams and burnt almonds had 
so demoralized their appetites. Soon after dinner I had to 
go up-stairs into the counting-house to balance the cash 
sheet of the preceding day, which took me until five 
o’clock, at which hour I went down again to relieve Pippin 
and give him a chance to go to his tea. I had hardly en- 
tered the desk, however, before he told me he had asked 


32 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


Miss Richards to go with him to some theatre on the fol- 
lowing evening. 

“You have?” cried I, in well feigned astonishment, “ and 
what did she say?” 

“What do you suppose she said ? She thanked me of course, 
and promised she would.” 

“ Pippin,” I exclaimed, “ shake, for indeed you are a lucky 
fellow; why here you have been only two days in the house 
and have already succeeded in persuading the handsomest 
girl in it to go to a theatre with you; that is something no 
other fellow has been able to do, and you will be envied by 
everyone of them.” 

After this flattering speech of mine Pippin assumed a 
demeanor calculated to give one the impression that he was 
quite a ladies’ man, and nothing in this world was more in 
his line than escorting handsome women to fashionable 
places of amusement, then remarking; If I am a young 
man from the country I can show you town fellows a thing 
or two, when any girls are around, he walked proudly off to 
the dining-room. As soon as the poor soft fool was out of 
sight and hearing, I called Hastings up to the desk, and 
told him everything was settled and in good running order, 
and even as we spoke Kate Richards approached us with 
a wicked look in her beautiful eyes. 

“ Where shall we go boys?” 

“Anywhere, just you suit yourself.” 

“Well, I think the Oxford Music Hall will be best; then 
after I have got the tickets away from him, I will meet you 
in the parlor of the Horse Shoe.” This proposal of Kate’s 
met with approval from both of us, indeed, no place we 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 33 

could have mentioned could have been better suited for the 
carrying out of our scheme. 

Next day came, and in due course live o’clock struck 
and work for that day was over. The excited Pippin could 
not wait to have any tea, but rushed off at once to make his 
toilet for the evening, as soon as he left the shop. Half 
an hour later Rice strolled into the “ barracks,” in the most 
unconcerned manner imaginable, and taking up a book 
proceeded to make himself comfortable on one of the beds. 
Then Hastings and myself came in picking our teeth and 
humming one of the airs of a popular opera. Shortly after- 
wards Braster and Hooper entered, and to judge from the 
unconcerned looks and actions of us five boys, no such a 
greenhorn as Pippin then was would have dreamt that we 
had laid a trap for him. 

“ My, what a ‘tolF’ he is,” remarked Rice -glancing up 
from his book to take a look at the countryman. 

“ Regular stunner,” broke in Hastings. 

“ I’d like to stand in his shoes to-night.” cried Braster 
with an admiring glance at the Pippin, and a wink and 
grimace at us fellows. 

Amidst many such remarks as this the guileless Pippin 
finished dressing, and giving a finishing twist to his dirty- 
looking hair, and a farewell glance of approval at his gen- 
eral make-up, left the room. 

No sooner had he left the house however, and started for 
the station — where, by appointment. Kale Richards was to 
meet him — than we threw off our everyday clothes and ex- 
changed them for better; and in a short while we all found 
ourselves sitting in a compartment of the very same train 


3 


34 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


that was to bear onr victim and his charmer to Liverpool 
street. When we arrived there we kept ourselves well in 
the background, until we saw Pippin call a hansom and hand 
Kate in. Knowing w'e were now safe, we left the station and 
jumped on an Oxford street ’bus. Soon we reached Totten- 
ham Court road; and leaving the ’bus at this point, we entered 
the public bar of the Horse Shoe, and after taking a, few 
drinks, found our way to the parlor. After waiting here for 
what we supposed to be long enough for Kate to arrive, and 
finding that she did not materialize, Hastings proposed that 
one of us should walk through the different departments of 
the house and try and find her. Braster volunteered to go, 
and in a few minutes he returned; by the smile upon his 
face we could see that his efforts had proved successful, but 
still we asked, is she there? 

“ Yes, she is in the restaurant, but the fool is with her, 
and I am afraid he won’t be so easily got rid of as we ex- 
pected. However, she saw me and gave me the wink, so it 
is just possible she is working her plans and may be here at 
any moment.” 

As Hastings had so confidently said it would, his cousin’s 
ingenuity had been successful in getting Pippin to buy six 
tickets; and, when he had procured them, Kate suggested 
that as she had come away without any tea, and as there 
was still nearly an hour before her sisters would arrive, they 
go and take some slight refreshment. This met Pippin’s 
views exactly; in fact he said he was on the point of pro- 
posing the same thing himself, as he had also come away 
hungry; therefore, if she knew of a good place in the \dcinity 
to go to they would start at once. 


UNVAKNISHED YARNS. 


35 


Of course Kate did know of a good place in the vicinity 
and at once steered him into the “ Horse Shoe.” Now, this 
was the first time Pippin had ever been here, and the 
grandeur of the place, together with the crowd of handsome 
and well-dressed young men and women — nearly all draper’s 
assistants, as you know this house caters largely for their 
patronage — fairly struck him dumb with admiration. Pass- 
ing from the more crowded parts of the house, Kate led the 
bewildered Pippin into the restaurant and sat down at one 
of the tables. A smart waiter soon appeared with the bill 
of fare, and bowed obsequiously to Kate as he took her or- 
der for a dozen “ Colchester Natives.” Pippin did not know 
what “Colchester Natives” were, but supposed they must be 
all “0. K.” or the dashing Kate would not have ordered 
them; and with as much nonchalance as he could com- 
mand, said: “ Give me the same.” 

“ Anything to drink?” inquired the waiter with another 
bow. 

“ I’ll take a bottle of stout,” said Kate. 

“Some for me,” quoth Pippin, with confidence; he was 
now back again to familiar things. 

Whilst the waiter was absent filling their order, Kate sud- 
denly exclaimed, “ Oh, by the way, “ what kind of seats have 
you got? Let me see the tickets, I can tell by their numbers 
what part of the house they are in?” Pippin handed them 
over to her without the least suspicion of its being the last 
time he would ever see them, and Kate began to carefully 
note their numbers. Just as she finished looking at the last 
one, the waiter reappeared with the oysters and stout, and in 
making preparations to receive these, Kate lay her gloves 
together with the tickets on the seat beside her. 


36 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


The attack upon the oysters was now commenced, and 
when the meal was nearly at an end, Kate, who had been 
keeping a sharp lookout for some of us to give her the 
tip, caught sight of Braster as he was making his tour of 
the establishment, she at once gave him the wink and he 
immediately withdrew. 

No sooner had he done so. however, when Kate suddenly 
starting up, cried, “ Oh, there goes my sisters and their fel- 
lows, they are no doubt looking for us, so I’ll go and let them 
know we are here, and ask them to wait a few minutes,” 
and catching up her gloves and of course the tickets with 
them, before the dull Pippin knew what she was doing had 
left the room. 

As I have already stated we were on the lookout for 
her, therefore, as soon as she entered the parlor we caught 
sight of her, and instantly rose to meet her, and the next 
minute we were out of the Horse Shoe making our way 
toward the Oxford. The tickets the green Pippin had bought 
procured for us some of the best seats in the house, and a 
right jolly good time did we have at the poor fool’s expense. 

When Miss Richards had been absent from the amor- 
ous Pippin five or ten minutes, he began to grow somewhat 
uneasy, but still sat there slowly and nervously sipping his 
stout, expecting to- see her return every moment. But a 
quarter of an hour passed away, and still no signs of his late 
companion; five minutes more came and went, and Pippin 
decided to go in search of her himself, so calling the waiter 
he asked the amount of his bill. 

Seven and sixpence, sir, if you please. When Pippin heard 
this he nearly fainted, and for a moment could not find his 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


37 


tongue; when at length he partially recovered the use of that 
member, he stammered out: “ Young man you must have 
made a mistake, this can’t be my bill.” 

“ No mistake sir, two dozen ‘ natives’ at three shillings a 
dozen, six shillings; and two bottles of stout at ninepence a 
bottle, makes a total of three half crowns; that’s quite 
right, sir; no mistake, sir; please remember the waiter, sir?” 

“ Remember you? Remember you? How do you suppose 
I’ll ever forget you? I should think I will remember you, 
and what’s more, I won’t pay no seven and sixpence for those 
few little bits of oysters; they ain’t worth it. Why I can 
buy oysters at my home three times as big as those rotten 
little things for a shilling a dozen, and I won’t pay this bill; 
if I am a young man from the country you can’t get over 
me.” 

Just at this moment the steward seeing that something 
was wrong, came up to investigate, and when the waiter had 
stated to him the cause of the disturbance, the steward 
turned to the excited and perspiring Pippin, and told him 
sharply he could either pay the bill at once or go with an 
officer to the police station. These terms had the effect of 
bringing the unlucky Pippin to his senses, and he very re- 
luctantly paid the bill. 

Out of the restaurant into the parlor he dashed, following 
the direction in which he had seen Miss Richards go, but no 
trace of his lady friend could he discover; room after room, 
compartment alter compartment, did he explore, until not a 
corner of the building remained un visited by him, but of 
course you already know with what success. 

Hurrying into the street he rushed off to the Oxford, hop- 


38 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


ing to find her waiting with her suppositious friends for 
him to arrive, but on reaching the box office no trace of any- 
one in the least resembling her could he find. Suddenly, 
the thought struck him that she had met her friends, and 
entered the hall, supposing he would of course follow her. 
Without another thought he essayed to do this, but the first 
step reminded him of the fact of his being without the nec- 
essary bit of “ pasteboard.” 

This left the poor devil in a quandary, and for a few min- 
utes he stood still thinking of what else he could do, or where 
to go in order to find the lost object of his vain affections. 
Back again once more to the Horse Shoe he went, but all his 
efforts to find the missing Kate were futile. 

In despair he sat down on one of the couches, and eagerly 
scanned the faces of the rapidly moving, never ending stream 
of well-dressed, handsome men and lovely women. As the 
miserable Pippin «sat there lost in wonder at the brightness 
and gaiety around him, the thought occurred to him that 
Miss Richards had perhaps returned to the restaurant to 
rejoin him, at the very moment he was making such an ex- 
hibition of himself by refusing to pay for the oysters, and 
finding him in such a ridiculous position, had become dis- 
gusted and gone off without him. 

Having once become possessed of this thought, do what 
he would Pippin could not get rid of it. The more he 
thought of it, the more feasible and probable it appeared to. 
him. There he sat with the perspiration rolling down his 
fiushed face, and altogether in a most unenviable condition. 
What excuse should he give for his conduct when he got back 
to the house was what began to trouble him next. The boys 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


39 


would surely get hold of it, and there would be no peace for 
him until the incident had grown stale, and the miserable 
Pippin groaned at the thought. The oftener he put the ques- 
tion to himself the more remote appeared the answer. But 
sitting there like a fool could not, he thought, possibly do him 
any good, so he arose and taking a drink at one of the bars 
he left the house. 

Reaching the street another difficulty presented itself to 
him. Here he was, a country lout who had lived in London 
just four days — and, as London is no longer a village, it is 
not to be wondered at if a fellow like Pippin had not, in this 
period, become thoroughly familiar with all its streets — and 
now he found himself at least seven miles away from the 
house in which he was employed, and three or four from 
Liverpool Street Station. If he could only find his way 
there he would be all right, as he had taken a return ticket; 
but to do this on foot is a very different thing to being driven 
there in a hansome; and having already thrown so much 
money away, he concluded he could not afford this luxury,, 
and, like many other country people, he was afraid to trust 
himself to a three-penny ’bus. 

Well, to make a long story short, it took Pippin from nine 
o’clock till half past eleven to reach the railway station; and 
had he been five minutes later, he would not have got home 
at all that night, but lucky for him he just caught the eleven 
thirty down train — which was the last — and a few minutes 
before the clock struck twelve, the miserable wretch entered 
the “ barracks.” 

We had come down on an earlier train, and by this time 
were all in bed; none of us, however, were asleep; fiir from 


40 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


it; we were awaiting the arrival of Pippin, determined to 
have more fun at his expense. As he entered the room, the 
first thing he heard was Braster, who cried out: “Where in 
the deuce have you been to all night?” And before he 
could make the answer he had prepared for this question, 
should it be asked him, someone else shouted out: “If 
that’s the way you treat ladies in Somerset, you had better 
go back again.” Then Hooper capped the climax by ask- 
ing “what he meant by running off and leaving a young lady 
alone in a public place, so far away from home?” 

These, together with several other questions, had been put 
to him in such rapid succession, that the poor fellow forgot 
all about the yarn he had concocted on the train, intended 
to be used in his defence, and sat on the edge of his bed the 
very picture of misery. The fellows, perceiving they had 
the advantage of him, hastened to improve it by informing 
him that they intended to show him up before the whole 
house on the morrow. 

“ I don’t care if you do,” sullenly replied Pippin. “ It 
was no fault of mine, the girl gave me the slip instead of me 
running off and leaving her in the lurch.” 

On hearing this the boys fairly roared with laughter, 
much to the discomfort of the unlucky Pippin; and Hast- 
ings told him to “tell such yarns as that to the ‘Marines;’ 
they may believe you, but none of us do; indeed, we can’t, 
after what Miss Richards has told us.” 

“ I don’t care what Miss Richards told you,” retorted Pip- 
pin, rising to take his collar and tie off; and if she has told 
you that I gave her the slip, she has told you a d lie.” 

The next moment he had measured his length upon the 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


41 


bedroom floor, and Hastings, with his face as white as his 
nightshirt, stood over him with clenched fists, w'aiting for 
him to get up, and the wildest excitement prevailed among 
the other boys. Hastings had not to wait long for Pippin to 
rise, for whatever he might have been, to his credit be it 
said he was no coward. Regaining his feet he asked for 
time to take his coat and vest off. This was granted him, 
and as he began to strip, Braster asked them “ if they in- 
tended to fight it out?’' 

“ Fight it out? of course we will,” they both replied. 

“Very well then, gentlemen, I propose that you each 
choose two seconds, and fight it out in a proper manner.” 

Accordingly, Rice and Hooper w'ere chosen to perform the 
duties for Hastings, and Braster and myself agreed to look 
after Pippin. 

“ But what about time? ” asked Rice. 

“ Oh, hang the time,” cried Hastings, impatiently; “ we’ll 
fight till one of us goes down, and start another round by 
mutual consent; that is, of course, if Pippin agrees.” 

“ I don’t care,” answered Pippin, “ anything will suit me 
so long as I get fair play.” 

We hastened to assure him that we would see that both 
got fair play. As soon as Pippin had taken his coat, 
vest and boots off, and Hastings had put on his trousers, the 
fight commenced. 

Pippin was a good deal heavier and taller than Hastings, 
but totally devoid of science in the manly art. On the 
other hand, Hastings, who w'as as nimble as a cat, was also 
a fairly good boxer; so take it altogether the boys were pretty 
evenly matched. 


42 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


In the first round Hastings was rather cautious, keeping a 
good guard, and'contenting himself with parrying the vicious 
blows aimed at him by his antagonist. For over a minute 
they moved around each other. Pippin striking wildly all 
the time, and Hastings on the lookout for an opening. Pres- 
ently one presented itself, and his left flew out and landed 
heavily on Pippin’s right auricle. Maddened with pain and 
rage he rushed furiously upon Hastings, and with brute force 
beat down his guard and struck him a violent blow in the 
chest, sending him to the floor like a log. In an instant his 
seconds picked him up and placed him on the bed, and pro- 
ceeded to sponge him down, whilst Braster and myself 
attended to our man. Now, much as we should have liked 
to see Hastings victorious, we were, as Pippin’s seconds, in 
honor bound to do our best for him, and give him such advice 
as we thought would enable him to win. Soon Hastings 
shouted, “are you ready?” “Yes,” replied Pippin, imme- 
diately advancing to the centre of the floor for the second 
round. As the boys faced each other we could plainly see 
they both had blood in their eyes, so we made up our minds 
for some lively fighting. They had scarcely put up their 
“ Dukes ” before Hastings smashed his left into Pippin’s 
right eye, at the same time visiting his food department with 
his right; in an instant his guard was up again, and the 
astonished and smarting Pippin remembering no doubt his 
successful rush, in the last round essayed to make another 
upon his nimble adversary; swinging his arms wildly around 
his head like the sails of a windmill, he rushed upon him, 
but Hastings profiting by his late experience, instead of 
retreating as he had done before, “ ducked,” and quick as 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


43 '. 


a flash passed under his opponent’s arm, and came up in 
the rear of Pippin, who, just as he turned, received a stinging 
blow from Hasting’s right full in the throat, and catching his 
foot in the leg of a bedstead went down in a heap. 

We now thought the thing had gone far enough. Pippin 
had one eye in mourning and Hastings had sprained his 
right thumb when he gave Pippin the blow in the throat. 
Braster therefore suggested that the fight be stopped. But 
this Hastings flatly refused to listen to; he’d fight it out he 
said if he sprained every finger on both his hands. He was 
not going to allow a country lout like that to call his cousin 
a liar. On hearing this, Braster and I drew Pippin out of 
the room, and asked him if he would apologize to Hastings 
for making the remark he had about his cousin. At first he 
would not hear of it, but after a little more serious talk from 
Braster, and a look at his eye in a mirror I had fetched, he 
at length reluctantly consented. We then called out Rice 
and Hooper, and told them of Pippin’s willingness to make 
an apology, and told them they had better use their influ- 
ence with Hastings and get him to accept it. 

After a few minutes’ conversation with their man, they re- 
turned to us and said, “ Mr. Hastings has consented to accept 
Mr. Pippin’s apology.” 

Thereupon, Braster being the senior apprentice, stepped tO' 
the middle of the room, and turning towards Hastings’ sec- 
onds, said: 

“Gentlemen, you know what has just occurred in this: 
room, and you also know what caused it. Mr. Pippin has. 
expressed his regrets to Mr, Bright and myself, who have 
acted as his seconds, and says he is willing to retract the 


44 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


offensive remark made by him in a moment of anger and 
thoughtlessness, and to apologize to Mr. Hastings for hav- 
ing made said remark in connection with his fair and beau- 
tiful cousin. Now, if Mr. Hastings is willing to accept Mr. 
Pippin’s apology, our man will at once come in and make it, 
and thus put an end to this matter.” 

As Brastei concluded his little speech, Rice, Hooper and 
myself cried, “hear! hear!” Then Hastings replied, “that 
as far as he was concerned he would just as soon, in fact, 
rather fight it out; but he did not wish to be at all obstinate 
in the matter, therefore, if ISIr. Pippin would apologize to him 
for slandering his cousin, he would consent to shake hands 
and let the matter drop. Braster at once called Pippin into 
the room again, and told him Vv^hat Hastings had said. 

On hearing it the countryman walked up to his late 
adversary in a manly w'ay, and putting out his hand, said he 
was sorry for having spoken in such a hasty manner, and if 
allowed to do so, would retract what he had 8ai<i. 

Hastings thereupon took the proftered hand and shook it, 
and all was over. But now a fresh cause for alarm presented 
itself to us in the form of Pippin’s disfigured optic; some 
excuse would have to be made for its appearance in mourn- 
ing, and what in the devil to do none of us could tell. To 
say he had received it in the manner he had, would be the 
truth certainly, but it would also be the cause for Pippin’s 
ignominous departure, and still worse, the canceling 
of Hastings’ indenture. Therefore, we at once decided 
that whatever we did, to tell the truth was out of the ques- 
tion. Hooper suggested that he tell the old man he had run 
against a lamp-post, but this was instantly voted down as 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


45 


too thin and stale. At last, after several proposals of a 
like gauzy nature, Rice suggested that we all profess entire 
ignorance of the whole affair. 

To make this successful Pippin would have to promise to 
keep his mouth shut, and when the old man asked him how 
he caught the “ mouse,” flatly refuse to enlighten him. This 
Pippin promised to do, saying, that if he was to be dis- 
charged, he would go with his mouth shut. 

This settled, we shook hands upon it, and next minute 
were in bed. The following morning Pippin presented a 
sorry- appearance at prayers, and of course, after they were 
over everyone wanted to know who “painted his peeper?” 
To each inquiry of this sort Pippin made the same reply, 
which was: “ It’s no business of yours.” 

Finding it impossible to get any more out of him, the fel- 
lows turned to us, but of course received no further elucida- 
tion. As was natural. Old R had noticed during prayer 

time the condition of Pippin’s optic, and the first thing he 
did on coming into business, was to send for the unlucky 
countryman. 

“Now, sir,” he remarked sternly — you all know old R , 

and when I say he said anything sternly; you can imagine 
how he looked better than I can tell you — “I want to know 
how your eye came in such a disgraceful condition?” 

“ Well, I ain’t going to tell you,” replied Pippin, doggedly. 

It was something almost unheard of, for anyone to answer 

Old R in such a way as this, and you can picture to 

yourselves his wrath when Pippin thus defied him. 

“ What do you mean, you thick-headed country lout, by 
talking to me in this manner? Answer my question at once.” 


46 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


But Pippin only stood still and stared vacantly at him. 

“ Don’t stand there looking at me like that, you d im- 

becile, open your mouth and answer my question.” 

Still no answer came. Old R now became furious 

with rage; his face, never very pale, grew almost purple, and 
the veins in his nineteen inch neck stood out like lanyards. 
Opening the office door he called the manager (old man 
Talbot). “ Here, Talboi,” he cried, when that functionary 
arrived, “ take this boy and throw him out of the house, 
pack and baggage.” 

“Yes, sir; certainly, sir; is that all, sir?” 

“ But, wait though,” broke in the boss, “ why should I be 
thwarted in my wish to sift this matter, by a country lout 
like this, just come into the house? Call Braster here.” 

Braster came, and, of course, professed entire ignorance 
of the whole atfair. 

“ What, sir; do you mean to tell me you don’t know how 
this boy came with his black eye?” 

“ Yes, sir, I do,” answered Braster, with great composure. 

. “ Had he got it when he came home last night?” 

Yes, sir; he had.” 

Stand aside sir. Mr. Talbot, call Hastings.” 

Hastings, how did this boy get that eye?” 

“ I don’t know, sir; he came home with it last night, and 
Avhen we asked him about it, he told us to mind our own 
business.” 

Hooper, Rice and myself were all called, but we only 
corroborated the statements made by the others. 

Finding it was useless to prosecute the thing any further, 

Mr. R sent us all about our business, telling Pippin that 

he would consider what he would do in his case. 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


47 


But we never heard anything more of the matter; whether 
ISIr. R — had admired the pluck of the boy, or thinking that 
he was in the cash desk and out of the sight of customers it 
did not matter so much, 1 do not know, but certain it is 
that at the end of the month Pippin was duly bound appren- 
tice and became one of us. Then, and not till then, we told 
him of the trap we' had laid for him, adding that we had 
done it for his own good, for if we had allowed him to go on 
in his reckless career of heart-breaking, there was no one could 
say where he would stop. London girls you know, are so 
very different to those of a small Somerset village, and 
would, if given the chance, bleed him of every penny he got, 
and then laugh in their sleeves at him. Instead of losing 
his temper as might have been expected. Pippin took the 
whole thing as a mighty good joke, and seeing the mis- 
take he had made even went as far as to thank us for play- 
ing him the trick. 

As Mr. Bright concluded his yarn, cheer after cheer rent 
the air, and many of the fellows sitting near him insisted 
upon him drinking with them. This, Mr. Bright who had 
been speaking for an hour and a half, was not at all loth 
to do. 

When the confusion had in a measure subsided, Mr, Lane 
looked at his watch and informed the crowd that it was 
already near eleven o’clock, and we should have to run for 
it. He then on behalf of the audience tendered to Mr. 
Bright sincere thanks for relating to them the first yarn of 
the organization, and we then broke up and sought each man 
his respective house. Thus ended the first night of our club, 
and it certainly augured well for the future success of it. 


I^ot tl?e of Ei^^lai^d Seruiee. 


The next night the room was full to overflowing, partly 
because it had been raining all day, arid partly on account 
of the fellows who had been in attendance the previous night 
having related in glowing colors the substance of what Mr. 
Bright had told them. 

On Mr. Lane taking the chair, and rapping on the table 
to call the fellows to order, he asked if all were ready to com- 
mence the evening’s business. Receiving no answer to this 
question he of course inferred that they were, and at once 
began to scan the audience in search of a victim. As he did 
so, it was a noticeable fact that most of the fellows made a 
point of avoiding the chairman’s eye, but that functionary 
however, did not allow it to prevent him from soon selecting 
a member. 

Mr. Tomlinson, I think we’ll give you a chance to distin- 
guish yourself. As Mr. Tomlinson heard his name called, 
he jumped much in the same manner as a man who had just 
sat down on the business end of- a pin placed in his chair, by 

his playful, but profanity provoking eight-year-old 

that is, he rose to his feet with more alacrity than grace. 

“ Oh, Mr. Lane,” began Tomlinson, who, by the way, was 
the most nervous draper I ever knew, “ really, Mr. Lane, I 
can’t tell a yarn, I never could. Oh, Mr. Lane, please excuse 
me this time!” “Mr. Tomlinson,” sternly remarked Mr. 
Lane, “you were here I believe when the rules governing 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


49 


this society were framed, and you also hielped to make these 
rules* — both of them-'-now, one as you know is, that any mem- 
ber called upon by the chairman must either tell a yarn, 
relate an experience, or sing a song. Now, you can do which 
of these you wish; but one of them you must do, so do not 
waste the time of the audience, but commence at once.” 

The confused and heated Tomlinson saw by the tone of 
our chairman’s voice, that any further attempts at evasion 
would avail him nothing, and nervously glanced for a few 
moments down at his shoes. Finding no relief obtainable in 
this direction, he stared meditatively at the ceiling as though 
seeking an inspiration from the painted figures thereon. 
Two or three minutes had thus been spent, and the fellows 
were growing restless, when the wretched Tomlinson was 
brought back to a realization of his position by the chair- 
man rapping impatiently upon the table. Mopping his 
face Avith his handkerchief, and with a voice which showed 
in its every note it was one of despair, he rolled out the first 
verse of a then popular music hall song. It ivas a lucky 
thing for him that the song had a chorus, in which all the 
fellows could join, for had it not been so, he certainly would 
never have got through with it. As it was though, he 
found himself still alive, and just as many fellows in the 
room at the conclusion of the last verse, as there had been 
at the beginning of the first. When Mr. Tomlinson sat down 
he Avas greeted with loud applause, and some of the fellows 
Avho had no pity in their make-up, shouted loudly, “encore!” 
“encore!” “ Give us another song, Tomlinson?” But this he 
absolutely refused to do, and Mr. Lane called for order, and 
then made a search for further prey. 


4 


50 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


Mr. Peacock, you have had a large and v^aried experience 
in the trade, and can, to my certain knowledge, spin a 
twister; so I think you had better take a turn now. . Mr, 
Peacock, a man of about thirty-five, and chiefiy remarkable 
in his appearance for the possession of a pair of very blue 
eyes, which, by some means or other — I know the means, 
but it is not necessary for the reader to know — he kept con- 
tinually “trimmed” in very bright cardinal; only a shade 
brighter, however than his nose, at once rose to his feet and 
stated his willingness to comply with the wish of our worthy 
chairman. “ But, as he was not much of a hand at lying, 
he would content himself by relating a ‘ fact.’ ” 

These remarks, coming from Mr. Peacock, were greeted 
with loud and derisive laughter; for it was a notorious fact, 
he had the reputation of being one of the greatest liars in 
the trade. As the sound of this merriment died away, Mr. 
Peacock, in an apparently injured tone of voice, said: 

“Gentlemen, to judge from the bantering tone of the 
laughter you have just indulged in, one would think I had 
not spoken seriously! Now, as I see many here to-night 
who are complete strangers to me, I don’t think it is very 
nice of those who know me well, to thus defame me; it 
might have the effect of damaging my hitherto great repu- 
tation for truth and integrity.” 

Here another shout of laughter, mingled wdth stamping of 
feet and other boisterous hilarity, rent the tobacco-smoke- 
clouded atmosphere of the club room. 

t Some fellow cried out: “ Oh! Peacock, stop your blarney 
.and tell your yarn; we don’t care whether it’s a lie or the 
truth!” 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


51 


Mr. Lane rapped gently on the table and brought the 
audience to order, and Mr. Peacock announced his readi- 
ness to commence. But before doing so he said: “ I want 
you all to understand that what I am about to relate is a 
fact; and I can, at the present time, see two men who will 
be able to corroborate me.” 

Seating himself, Mr. Peacock began by saying: “ Those 
of you who were here last night and heard Mr. Bright relate 
his story of ‘ Pippin’s love making,’ will remember him say- 
ing these words: ‘ Next morning at prayers, Pippin pre- 
sented a sorry appearance.’ Now, it was hearing this sen- 
tence reminded me of a little incident which happened in a 
house I was once living in. One of the many rules of this 
establishment read something like this: ‘ Any employe fail- 
ing to attend prayers, will be fined one shilling.’ These 
prayers w’ere held at the same hour that our’s -w'ere, eight 
o’clock, and consisted of a chapter out of the bible, and a 
few of the prayers, from the book of common prayer; all of 
which were read by the boss himself. Strangely out of 
place did these prayers seem to me; not but what I hold, 
bad as I am, with commencing the day with sincere prayer, 
but this w'as not sincere; far from it, in fact, and before I 
get through I will prove it to you. Oh, no, this house had 
prayers because Meekings, ourselves and many other houses 
have them, not because the boss had any wish of making 
model men and women out of his assistants. Oh, dear, no; 
not a bit of it; for the average employer of to-day does not 
care the toss of a tinker’s farthing for the morals of his help, 
but their business ability must be great and A No. 1, or 
they can’t keep their berths, even though they be the 
greatest saint in the trade. 


52 


UNVAKNISHED YAKNS. 


“Morals! pshaw! who ever heard of, or looks for, a high 
class of morals in a draper’s shop? Is it not a fact that 
the girls of one of the largest houses in the world, boast of 
making more money out of the shop than they do in? Cer- 
tainly, they do. 

“I have met in my time probably fifteen or twenty thousand 
draper’s assistants, and out of this vast number I know of 
but ‘ four,’ earnest, Christian men. Think of it, gentlemen, 
only FOUR MEN OUT OF TWENTY THOUSAND that WOUld not 

tell a lie to sell their employer’s goods, or roll out a string 
of oaths if they got a swap. Only four men out of twenty 
thousand have I ever known that would not do these things, 
and I have never forgotten them. One was a Mr. Dagley, I 
knew him at Roberts’ of Stratford; another was a Mr. 
Wilson, an Irishman; a third was a Mr. Barrel of Daniels’ 
of Kentish Town Road, and another was Mr. Bates, also of 
Roberts’ of Stratford. 

“Now, some of you fellows are no doubt thinking to your- 
selves, that if so few of the draper’s assistants are what they 
should be, certainly they must be a class to whom the scrip- 
tures should be read, and one standing greatly in need of 
prayers. If any of you have such thoughts passing through 
your minds, you are quite right; they should have someone 
perform such duties for them, but let that ‘ someone ’ be a 
fit and proper person for the office, and not every Tom, Dick 
and Harry who happens to find himself at the head of an 
establishment. This very man may be, and often is, one 
of the very worst among them, and every person in his 
employ may know his character. What can be the effect 
produced on his hearers, by a man, who only the night before 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


53 


had been put to bed drunk, dares to come down the next 
morning and read God’s holy word? Is it any wonder that 
the men instead of listening to the prayers when being read 
by such a man, should shake dice, or match coins, or do any- 
thing else irreverent? Of course not.” 

’ Mr. Peacock who had worked himself into quite a heated 
condition, so strongly did he feel the situation, here paused 
for a moment to wipe his forehead and empty his glass, 
and then in somewhat softer tones he resumed his narrative. 

“ The man who was head of the house I am speaking of 
was just such a man as this, and I will now relate to you how 
it came to pass that he took a tumble to himself and quit 
reading prayers to us in the mornings. The room in which 
the devotional exercises were gone through was the dining- 
room. A small table at the further end, on the left-hand 
side, answered the purpose of a reading desk, and on the 
same side of the room was the door opening outward into a 
passage, so that when the boss was at the table reading the 
prayers he was, of course, in a position rendering it impossible 
for him to see the door open. Well, one morning one of the 
fellows overslept himself, and, as a natural consequence, was 
late for prayers. This did not trouble him in the least; but 
the thought of losing a shilling did. Now, he knew that if 
he could only get into the room before the prayers were over 
and answer to his name he would be all ‘O. K.’ and his 
shilling safe. Creeping softly down the passage he listened 
a moment at the door, and found that the old man was still 
reading, so he decided to wait until they knelt down, then in 
the scuffle and confusion incident to this part of the service, 
he would open the door and slip quietly in on his hands and 


54 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


knees. Accordingly he listened attentively to hear the old 
man say ‘ Let ns pray,’ which would be the signal to com- 
mence operations. He hadn’t long to wait for this tip, and 
as soon as he got it. Bob turned the handle of the door and 
pushed it open. Just as he did so however, a gust of wind 
swept down the narrow passage and blew it to with a loud 
bang. Guessing what was up, the boss paused in his read- 
ing and said, ‘ Shut the door,’ then he resumed the prayer. 
He had not proceeded very far, however, before Bob made 
another attempt to save his shilling; but this time the handle 
failed him, for as he turned it, it gave a most teeth-edging 
creak. When the old man heard this second interruption, 
he cried in an angry voice, ‘ Shut that door.’ On hearing it 
closed he started in on another prayer — the one know'n as 
‘A General Thanksgiving ’ — but he was destined never to 
finish it. Everybody in the room was on the titter, and the 
old man was as mad as a dog with a tin can tied to his 
caudal appendage. Bob, however, cared nothing about this, 
all he cared for was the saving of his shilling; so he again 
advanced upon the door, and taking the handle in his hands 
for the third time, turned it slowly and cautiously, and to 
his great joy found it had not repeated its former squeaking. 
Again he slowly drew the door open, but alas for his luck; 
this time the door itself gave him away, by sending forth 
one of those prolonged groans peculiar to a newly varnished 
condition. This was too much for the old man, who, utterly 
forgetting his present devout occupation, roared out, ‘BTi; 
you keep that damned door shut?’ Now, little as the fellows 
knew of the prayer-book and its contents, they were confi- 
dent it contained no prayer with such a sentence in its com- 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 55 

position, and it was with difficulty they suppressed their 
laughter. 

“When the old man realized what he had done, he rose to 
his feet, and without saying another word, left the room; 
and that was the last time he ever read the prayers to his 
assistants. They were not abolished, however, for he hired 
a poor curate from a neighboring parish to perform the duty 
in his stead.” 

As Mr. Peacock concluded, many voices were heard ask- 
ing him “if that was what he called a fact?” But before he 
could answer, however, two of the fellows arose and testified 
to the truth of what they had just heard Mr. Peacock relate. 
They were the two men he had referred to for corroboration, 
and were, they said, living in the house spoken of at the 
time the circumstance took place. “ And what is more,” 
cried one of them, “ there is the very ‘Bob’ who caused the 
old man to so far forget himself.” As the speaker said this, 
he pointed to Mr. Peacock, who rose and smilingly bowed 
his acknowledgments of the cheers that were thereupon 
given him. 

“ But,” cried someone in the rear, “ you didn’t tell us how 
you saved your shilling, Bob?” 

“ No, of course riot; as I said once before this evening, I 
have a reputation for veracity to keep up; and if I had told 
you I saved my shilling, I should have told you a lie, for I 
did not save my shilling, I lost it,” and the unfortunate Pea- 
cock, turning to the fellow sitting next to him, said: “Stand 
us a drink old man, I am awful dry; you know it is only 
five years ago since I lost that shilling, and I have never 
been able to make it up yet.” 


56 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


The fellow treated him, and the other men also had their 
glasses refilled, and, after a few more songs, interspersed 
with short stories not intended for these pages, the time for 
breaking up came, and the room was empty once more. 


DisetJ$5io9 prodije(?5 Ui^v/ari^isl^ed pacts 

a^d d^uarpisl^ed Varies. 

Next day we received an addition to the staff of assistants 
in our house, in the shape of a young man about thirty-five 
years of age. Before he had been behind the counter an 
hour, the fellow's in the same department had found out that 
he had just returned from the United States after an absence 
of six years. Now^, knowing something of the ability to 
yarn possessed by our Yankee cousins, they at once decided 
that this gentleman — who ever after went by the appella- 
tion of the “ American” — would prove a valuable acquisition 
to our club, and they lost no time in describing to him' the 
chief features of the organization; at the same time tender- 
ing him an invitation to join. The “American” at o^ce 
assented and promised to do his best when called upon by 
the chairman. 

That night we took the “ American” ’round to the “Crown” 
and introduced him to the men from the other houses. Mr. 
Lane had not yet arrived, and the fellows were filling their 
pipes and ordering their drinks, wdiilst Mr. Soakum was 
passing among us, looking the picture of contentment and 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


57 


good nature. Presently, Mr. Lane came in, and right on liis 
heels appeared the waiter loaded with the beverages, and 
assisted by his employer he soon had them distributed.* Mr. 
Soakum made his usual excuse and withdrew, leaving us to 
ourselves, but not before Mr. Lane had informed him that 
his company would be always acceptable. “ Come when- 
ever you feel like it, Mr. Landlord, for you laugh so heartily 
that you equal at least half a dozen in your applause; and 
applause you know is everything to one spinning a yarn or 
singing a song.” 

“ Order, order,” came the cry from the chairman, and we 
at once wheeled our chairs and couches into position and 
waited for the night’s proceedings to commence. 

“ Gentlemen — last night Mr. Peacock, in the course of re- 
lating his ‘fact,’ told us that he had in his time met some 
fifteen or twenty thousand draper’s assistants, and out of 
that vast number he could only name four who were 
thoroughly good men. This statement has presented itself 
to me several times during the day; and every time it did 
so, I was bound to admit that the truth of it was greater 
than I wished. Kow, I am an older man than Mr. Peacock 
by at least twenty years, and probably I have met in my 
time, even a greater number of draper’s assistants than he 
has, but after thinking the matter over the whole of the day, 
I find I am unable to recall the names of even /owr men who 
-were, and are, what they should be. Now, gentlemen, in 
■vdew of these facts, I propose, to-night, with your permission, 
to depart from the ordinary rule of calling upon someone for 
a song or incident, and instead, open up a discussion on this 
very subject: ‘ Why is it that the average London draper’s 


58 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


assistant is not what he should be?’ If there be any gentle- 
marf in this room to-night who can elucidate this matter, I 
am sure all will be pleased to hear from him,” 

Having thus put the question to the meeting, Mr. Lane 
sat down, and we all waited for someone to give his views 
upon the subject. 

Presently a Mr. Browning said, “ He thought that the 
trade w'as in such a condition that any man who wanted to 
make a success of it, could not do so without becoming both 
a liar and a schemer.” 

Mr. Lane again rose and said, “ The question of lying was 
in his opinion but a secondary one, inasmuch that it in- 
volved only the one resorting to it. What he considered to 
be the primary evil existing among the assistants of both 
was the amount of immorality prevalent in their ranks. 
How many of the prostitutes found upon our streets at night 
will tell you they had once been respectable shop-girls? 
How many who are prostitutes seek to hide it from the 
world by still playing the role of a draper’s assistant through 
the day? As Mr. Peacock said last night; is it not true 
that the girls employed in one of the largest houses in the 
world boast among themselves of making more money out 
of the shop than they do in it? I have been thirty-eight 
years in the business, and during that time I have known 
dozens, yea, scores of girls who had their lives wrecked in 
the great houses of this great city. I am not a saint, neither 
do I pretend to be a whit better than those I see around me, 
but when I say that it grieves me here to-night to say that 
I am disgusted with the trade I am in, and ashamed of the 
villians it has produced, I speak the truth.” 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


59- 


A deep and painful silence followed these last remarks 
from Mr. Lane, each and every man sitting with his eyes 
apparently tracing the pattern of the carpet and slowly 
puffing away at their pipes. No doubt if it were possible to 
temporarily suspend animation and lay bare the hearts of 
those assembled, many of them would have been found 
pierced with the sharp dart of truth Mr. Lane had just 
hurled at them. 

No man in the room spoke for several minutes, and the 
stillness was beginning to grow oppressive, when we saw Mr. 
Pole, the “American,” rise to his feet and say: “Gentlemen;, 
there are many of you here whom I have not seen before in 
my life, and none of you have I had the pleasure of knowing 
before this morning; but if I may make bold to address you 
on so short an acquaintance, I think 1 can in a measure — 
it may be only a slight one — answer the question put to the 
meeting by our worthy chairman: ‘ Why is it the London 
draper’s assistant is not what he should be?’ ” 

These remarks were hailed with delight, as in fact any- 
thing serving to break the Quaker-like stillness would have 
been. 

^Ir. Lane assured the “American ” that anything he could 
say, calculated to explain the distressing question, would be 
received with both attention and pleasure. 

Thus assured, the “American” began by repeating the 
question under discussion. “ The chief cause for this is, in 
my opinion, that not five per cent, of the draper’s assistants 
in London are married. Now why are they not married? 

“ Because they can’t afford to marry! Many of them 
no doubt would if they dared; but when they look at their 


60 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


meagre salary on the one hand, and then at the cost of living 
on the other hand, the idea is at once and forever driven 
from their minds and they gradually, but surely, drift into 
the channel of circumstances. 

‘‘ To those here to-night who have never given the matter 
any serious thought this may seem strange, and I naturally 
look for the question: ‘ Why can’t they afford it? Lots of 
men who get no better wages marry. Look at the number 
of men who bring up a family on a salary of £1 a week; why 
they can be counted by thousands.’ All this is doubtless 
true, but if you take time to think of the matter and look at 
the class of men that marry and raise a family on £1 a week 
you will find that they belong to an entirely distinct species 
from the draper’s assistant. They are either farm laborers, 
navvies, hod carriers, or something else of a similar char- 
acter. Now, we will see how it is possible for one of these 
men to raise a family on a sum which the draper finds inad- 
equate to keep himself and wife only. In the first place, as 
you all know, ninety per cent, of London assistants find it 
necessary to spend from £10 to £15 per annum for clothes 
alone; for no matter how small his salary may be he is ex- 
pected — nay more than that he is compelled to dress as well 
as the highest-salaried man in the house. Then, if he should 
marry, his wife is almost sure to be one of the girls in the 
same business, who has spent all of her time since leaving 
school behind the counter, and as a natural consequence she 
can know nothing of the principles of economy in house- 
keeping, or the duties thereof, other than the most simple. 
This, of course, renders one of two things imperative; she 
must either keep a servant, or have her mother live with 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


61 


them. As a rule the maid puts in an appearance, that is, if 
the husband has anything to say in the matter, for however 
poor he may be, it is easier for him to pay a girl wages than 
to keep a mother-in-law. 

“ Now, he is married, it is only natural for his wife to ex- 
pect to be dressed as well, if no better, than she was when 
single; this is another expense. Then they must live in a 
respectable locality, not too far from John’s place of business. 
Now comes the cost of living; he works from early morning 
till late in the evening, in a close and dusty atmosphere; 
and as a natural consequence his appetite is poor and fickle, 
This has to be tempted by all sorts of slops and messes, 
which come expensive, but contain little or no nourishment, 
and frequently a doctor’s bill finds its way into the house. 

“ Now, let us look at the man who raises a family on £1 a 
week. Clothes will probabl}'^ cost him £3.10 a year; say 
three working suits at fifteen shilling each, and one better 
suit for Sunday’s at twenty-five shilling. He, like the dra- 
per, marries a woman chosen from his own station in life; 
perhaps another laborer’s daughter, who has been taught to 
cook and bake and scrub, wash and iron, and in short, all 
the duties needed to fit her for a laborer’s wife ; consequently, 
she enters her house, wdiich by the way, need not be in a 
hightoned quarter — mistress of it. Again, she does not de- 
sire her dresses to be any finer than they had been — they 
would only make her uncomfortable and render her con- 
spicuous among her own class. 

“ Her husband, unlike the draper’s assistant, often works 
in the open air, and when he comes home to *his meals he 
can eat with a relish, whatever his wife has prepared for 


■62 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


him; usually good, strong, healthy, but inexpensive food. 
I think these few comparisons between the two classes of men 
will be sufficient to show that what one in his station of life 
finds adequate to rear a family on, the other, wdth his wife 
R,lone to pro’vdde for, would find insufficient. 

“ I once knew of a young man who thought he could do 
it, and tried the experiment, but in less than six months he 
had sold his furniture, his wife was back behind the counter, 
and he, himself, a wiser, but sadder man, but still in love. 

I have heard many opinions regarding this state of 
affairs in our business, and have also heard many suggestions 
made calculated to alter it. Out of these I have chosen 
what I consider to be the most correct, and the only one by 
which we can ever hope to obtain any good results. Some time 
before I left London to visit the United States, I was talking 
to an old London assistant, on the question of wages. He 
told me his father had been in the trade some forty years 
before, when wages were good, but, says he, ‘the help was 
good; not so much of it, certainly, but what there was, was 
good; and, best of all, no women folk. Now,’ says he, ‘the 
whole thing is this: just as long as we have so many girls in 
the trade, just so long will our wages be cut down. Why, 
my father has often told me that it wa& a very common 
thing, in his time, to start a boy just out of his time on a 
hundred pounds a year — and it is a good job it was or I 
would never be telling you this now. But in those times,’ 
he went on to say, ‘men learned their business well, and were 
paid well for it, but now a days the trade is overrun with 
girls working for £15 or £20 a year. And, although I con- 
tend that on'e good man is worth a dozen of them, the em- 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


63 


ployers keep on taking them. May be they think numbers 
give the appearance of doing a large and prosperous busi- 
ness; but, if they do, they are several points out of their 
reckoning, for it is the quality, and not the quantity of as- 
sistants a man keeps that builds up a sound and successful 
business.’ 

’ “ ‘Speaking of quantity, puts me in mind,’ he continued, 
‘of an incident which happened to me just after I was out 
of my time, and looking for my first berth as an assistant. 
It is only a short story, but will serve to illustrate as a case 
in point, that many employers do look at quantity rather 
than quality, and, if you like, I will relate it.’ I told Mr. 
Handley that I should be pleased to hear his story, and he 
commenced. I will, as near as possible, give it in his own 
words. 

“ ‘ First of all, you must know that I had served my time 
in a first-class Westend house; my father paid a premium 
of £60 for me to learn the trade, and you can bet I learned 
it, After I had put in my, five years, I was just twenty-one, 
and sick of the place; so I quit and started to look for 
another berth. The first house I struck was one in Oxford 
street — which it was does not signify, it is still there. I 
walked yi dressed in my frock coat and silk hat; just the 
same as you see the fellows dressed to-day; for twenty years 
have made no difference to the London draper in respect to 
clothes, and asked for the engager.’ 

“ ‘Any vacancies?’ 

“ ‘ No, nothing this morning,’ and I was out of the shop 
into another in* less than no time. Here I met with no 
better success; and thus it went on, day after day, week 


G4 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


after week, and at the end of a month I was still out of 
‘ color,’ and my funds running low. Having exhausted all 
the houses in the West end, I now made up my mind to take 
whatever I could get, and each morning carefully read the 
advertisements. I was just finishing breakfast on the first 
day of my second month at ‘ cribbing,’ and was about to 
throw the paper down without having found anything likely 
to suit me — there were any amount of ‘ ads ’ for experienced 
men, but, as I have already told you, I was just out of my 
time; I could hardly muster the nerve to answer any of 
these — when my eye caught one in the ‘ Miscellaneous ’ col- 
umn: ‘Wanted — A ‘smart junior,’ one not afraid of work, 
and a good window dresser. Apply at once, S. & Co., Com- 
mercial Rd., London, E.’ 

“ ‘ Its a rather tough quarter, thinks I, almost in White 
Chapel, but beggars must not be choosers, so here goes, and 
I jumped on a bus and in a half an hour found myself talk- 
ing to the man who advertised foB a ‘ smart junior.’ 

“ ‘ After looking at my indentures and asking the usual 
questions, the one of salary arose. I told him I would not 
mind starting at £50 a year, with the promise of an 
advance in a month or two. No sooner had I said this 
than I thought the man had gone into a fit; there he sat 
glaring at me, with his hands twitching, and his mouth 
working as though a fish bone had stuck in his throat. I 
watched him for two or three minutes, during which time I 
was debating whether I should go to his assistance myself, 
or open the door and call for help, I really did think the 
man had got a fit. I had just made up my mind to call for 
assistance and was about to do so, when I heard him begin 
to speak, much to my relief I can assure you. 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


65 


“ This is what he said : ‘ You d little fool come out 

here and I’ll show you something,’ as he spoke he left the 
office literally dragging me after him, wondering as I went 
if he often ‘ had ’em.’ 

“‘Look here,’ he cried; ‘do you see that man down the 
other end of the shop with all those whiskers?’ 

“ I looked in the direction indicated and I saw a big 
country lout, whose proper place would have been behind 
the plow. 

“ ‘ Yes I see him, what about him?’ 

“ ‘ What about him? what about him?’ he repeated fiercely. 
‘Why he stands six feet one in his stockings, weighs six- 
teen stone eight and works for £25 a year. That’s 

what’s about him. And here you a d little whipper- 

snapper, without a hair on your face asks me £50 a 
year; what the devil do you mean sir? ’ 

“ I gave another look at the £25 wonder and thought 
what a help he would be to his mother when he grew up. I 
then put on my hat and at the same time told him he 
must have made a mistake in the advertisement, for it was 
evident to me he wanted ‘ whiskers ’ and not ‘ sense, ’ and 
the next time he advertised for them he had better call 
them by their proper names, instead of ‘smart juniors.’ I 
then left the shop and next day got a berth in the N. W. 
district. Now that’s the sort of men who believe iri quantity, 
more than quality, and will go on employing girls and clod- 
hoppers all their business lives. 

“ ‘ Now look here Pole, ’ continued my friend, ‘the quicker 
girls quit the ‘ rag trade ’ the better for us and the better for 
themselves.’ 


5 


66 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


“ How will it be better for the girls? 

“ ‘ Why, this way,’ he replied, ‘ You know as well as I do 
that the girls don’t come into this business because they like 
it; and yet if you say anything to them about it, ninety-five 
per cent, will tell you, ‘ they don’t have to work ’ — and 
judging from the salaries some of them get there must be 
some truth in the assertion. Now, if they don’t like the 
trade and ‘ don’t have to work,’ what on earth are they in it 
for? To this question there is but one answer, and I got 
that from one of the girls ‘direct’: ‘The girls who go into 
the trade are ‘ in the market.’ Yes, sir, ‘ in the market,’ 
just as much as the goods they sell; but I wont say sell, 
for girls never ‘sell’ anything, the customers just simply 
■‘buy it;’ and there is a vast amount of difference between 
an assistant selling goods and one merely doing them up 
and taking the money for them.’ 

“ ‘ Well,’ continued old Handley, ‘ if the girl who told me 
the chief reason of her sex being found in such great num- 
bers behind our counters was to find a husband was correct, 
how many of them succeed in doing so? ‘Don’t know.’ 
Then I will tell you; there are just as many female draper’s 
assistants get married as there are male; and you all know 
how many that is.’ 

“ ‘ Now, if these girls would stay out of the business, and 
go into service, they would earn better wages, have better 
homes before marriage and become competent to make good 
homes after marriage, and also stand a better chance of 
securing a husband.’ 

“ ‘ How do you make that out Mr. Handley? ’ 

“‘Why, just in this way, if they kept out of the trade. 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


67 


men who are not much better than girls themselves in it, 
would either have to improve, or get out as well. And those 
men Avho are worth three or four girls would get three or- 
four girls’ salary, and the house employing them would 
make money.’ 

“ ‘ Let me illustrate this to you. In the house we are 
now working — it w'as one in the East End — are employed 
about thirty fellows and about eighty-five girls. Now, look 
at Linsey’s, of Kentish Town Road, their business is quite 
as large, if not larger than ours; yet they keep but forty 
men, and no girls, except in the millinery, underwear and 
cloak departments. Their salary list for these forty men 
will be about £2,400 a year, that is allowing an average of 
£60 a year to each man. Then they have about fifteen girls 
in the departments where they belong; allow these £20 
apiece per annum, and you have a total £2,700, producing 
not less than £75,000 a year. 

“ Now, what are our returns for the same period? Not 
more, I am confident. Let us see how much it costs in 
salaries to produce it.” 

“ Supposing, w’e say that out of the thirty men employed, 
fifteen of them are only half men] assuming this to be the 
case, a fair salary for them w'ould, of course, be £30; that 
will make a total of £450 for the fifteen half men; the fifteen 
whole men are paid £60, the same as Linsey’s whole men; 
making a total for the males of £1350. Now for the females. 
Out of the eighty-five, fifteen are apprentices and, therefore 
receive no pay — but they have to be fed all the same. That 
leaves seventy. Now, allow these seventy girls the same 
wages as paid to Linsey’s, an average of £20, that will ag- 


68 


UNVAKNISIIED YARNS. 


gregate £1400, making a grand total for our house of £2750 
against £2700 paid by Linsey’s.'’ 

“Now, another question arises. If it costs, as the em- 
ployers say it does, £60 a year per head to board and lodge 
fifty-five hands? It is a very easy matter to find out how 
much it will cost to keep a hundred and fifteen.” 

“ Now, don’t you sec *what I am driving at? If these 
girls would stay out of tlie trade, the consequence would be 
more men in it; and every man a good and ‘whole man/ 
getting a good and ‘whole man’s’ salary, thus enabling him 
to save something to get a home with and marry on. But 
as long as we have girls overcrowding the trade, and work- 
ing for a song, so long will we have men in our ranks who 
are not scoundrels by nature, but rather through circum- 
stances; who, finding their salaries insufficient to enable 
them to marry upon, and being but human, apply the 
talents intended by their maker to be used in wooing for 
themselves a wife, to the seducing of shop girls.” 

“After old Mr. Handley had thus explained the question 
to me, I felt bound to admit that there was a preponderance 
of truth in what he had said; and I most heartily join with 
him in wishing the time not far distant, when a girl in the 
trade will have become a thing of the past.” 

“ This may seem very hard on the girls, but until it does 
come, no customer can walk into a shop without having 
some misgivings as to whether she will be waited on as she 
should be — in an intelligent manner. This, also, appears 
rather rough on the fair sex; but, nevertheless, it is a fact, 
for not ten per cent, of the girls employed in the large 
houses of England and America have any business there. 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


69 


They are as a rule indifferent, often lazy, and more 
frequently know less about the goods they are tossing about 
— for to show them is an impossibility — than the customers 
themselves. Why, I remember, while living out in a Cali- 
fornia city, hearing a girl repeatedly inform customers ask- 
ing for Paisley shawls, that they meant ‘broche;’ and then 
add, they often get called Paisley^ but the correct name for 
them is ‘broche.’ She will probably continue to do so, until 
some old Scotch lady comes along, and then look out. I 
heard another girl, in a Kansas town, tell a lady that all 
black silks were one shade, the only difference in them be- 
ing the make and quality. The same girl, on another occa- 
sion, told a customer that black cashmeres were only made 
in two shades, ‘blue black’ and ‘jet black.’ And yet her 
employers were paying her as much salary as some of the 
good men. They had an idea that because the girl had 
lived in the town all her life, and knew everybody in it, she 
would act as a ‘magnet,’ so to speak, in drawing custom to 
their establishment. This notion I found to be a very 
popular one in many of the cities 1 visited during my stay 
in the United States. I need not tell you that such an idea 
is erroneous and a pack of nonsense; for as you all know, it 
is value for their money, and not acquaintances, the masses 
are usually looking in shops for; and, in these times of keen 
competition, whoever gives the most for the money will get 
the majority of the custom, even though they employ none 
but strangers to their customers; for if a man knows his 
trade as he should do, he can and vjill do as much or more 
with a woman he has never seen before, than a girl who has 
lived next door to her all her life. These, gentlemen, are 


70 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


my views — together with those of one of the oldest draper’s 
assistants in London — upon the subject, and I hope many of 
us here present will live to see the day when our girls will 
put some of their false pride in their pockets, and go into the 
kitchen and the nursery, instead of crowding the men they 
wish to obtain for husbands out of our shops. 

As the “ American ” concluded speaking on this, to us, all 
important question, a young man inquired if he could sug- 
gest any means by which the desired result could he obtained. 
The “ American ” again rose, and said he was afraid he could 
not. The only possible way such a change of affairs could 
be brought about was, in his opinion, for the employers to 
absolutely refuse to engage any girls, and until that time 
he saw no chance of the matter being remedied. The assis- 
tants can’t do anything, for God knows if one of them left 
because the house employed girls, their berths would be 
filled inside of an hour. 

Mr. Johnson here arose and asked the “ American” if he 
did not think situations as domestics were hard to get. I am 
aware that you have just returned from America, where I 
know servants are in very great demand, but here in hlng- 
land I am of the opinion it is somewhat different. 

The “ American ” took out his pocket book and said he 
wmuld answer Mr. Johnson by reading a paragraph cut from 
a daily paper of one of the cities he had lived in, in the 
United States. Here it is : 

“ People never cease to wonder that girls and women pre- 
fer the shop and factory to domestic service, even at a very 
much lower rate of actual compensation. That this is so 
cannot be gainsaid, for the shops and factories are overrun, 
while the households go begging for competent service.” 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


71 


This is true not onl}^ in the United States, but throughout 
the civilized world. There is as much complaint in Great 
Britain of the inadequacy of domestic service, and as much 
demand for it, as there is with us. 

Mr. Johnson expressed his willingness to take a back seat; 
he would not think, he said, of doubting the correctness of 
anything. found in the columns of an American newspaper, 
they are such renowned organs of truth and veracity. 

This may have been sarcasm on the part of Mr. Johnson, 
but whether it was so or not, no one ventured to discuss the 
question farther, and Mr. Lane observing many of the fel- 
lows looking at their watches, thanked the speaker of the 
evening for entertaining them, and we then sloped. 

****** 

It gives the author great pleasure to state that since hear- 
ing the above matter discussed, many houses both in Eng- 
land and America have adopted the system of running their 
establishments with nothing but men, and judging from the 
manner in which they persevere in it, the new idea must be 


a success. 


Si?ey, but Sp<?aH f^ot. 


One night I had been out on a little private business, and 
having to pass the “ Crown” on my way back, it. was only 
natural for me to turn in. When I entered the club-room I 
found a Devonshire fellow on his feet in the act of respond- 
ing to a call from the chair. Mr. Davis was a man who I 
had often wished to hear called upon, for I knew he could 
tell more yarns, and had been in a greater number of berths 
than any man in London. He once told me he had lived in 
thirteen establishments in one year, and one of these positions 
he had held for six months; therefore, he must have found 
twelve other situations in the remaining half year. 

Congratulating myself, I ordered a drink, and otherwise 
made myself comfortaVde, feeling sure of listening to some 
interesting and amusing incident from the Devonshire fel- 
low. Mr. Davis informed us that it was within the range of 
possibility for him to tell his “ yarn ” just as well sitting as 
standing, and without further ceremony resumed his seat. 

Refilling his pipe and taking a swig at his cider — he 
always drank cider — he commenced, and I have endeavored 
to give his exact words, that is as nearly as my antipathy to 
profanity will allow. 

Every woman has a way of her own, in which she does 
her shopping; one will enter a house and upon being met by 
the shop-walker, will tell him in a polite manner the article 
she wishes, and get shown to the counter where she may 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


73 


procure it. Another will bounce past him, snapping out 
as she does so, that she knows where she is going without 
him telling her. Very often she will walk the full length of 
the floor, only to discover that she really does “ not know’’ 
w’here she is going. This makes her mad and she asks some- 
one for the article she requires, and is informed that she 
will find it on the other side of the house, near the door. 
Now, if this woman had possessed sense enough and man- 
ners enough to tell the floor-walker of her w'ants, she would 
have saved herself an infinite amount of trouble, besides 
keeping her temper intact. ’Another comes in and takes an 
hour to select a print dress, and very often brings it back next 
day to exchange, and after fooling away another hour or so, 
suddenly remembers the hurry she is in, and tells the 
assistant to make haste, which of course he does, in his mind. 
In pleasant contrast to this class of customers, is the one who 
wall buy dresses for a whole family, and still find time for a 
“ constitutional ” before lunch. 

Another will sit on her chair in a genteel manner, 
politely listening to what a man has to say about the goods 
he is showing her. The antithesis to this lady, who by the 
w^ay gets better attention and is shown more goods than 
some of the cranks who stroll through our houses, is the 
hard-featured old chromo, who never will sit down, but 
stands up and pulls the stufif around herself, utterly ignor- 
ing the attention of the salesman. After jerking the folds 
out of about a dozen pieces, she gives them a final push of 
disgust at the same time saying, “ I see you ain’t got what 
I want,” and sails out of the shop. Then, again, many 
ladies come in knowing exactly what they need, and when 


74 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


they see it, buy it, and get out. Others never do know what 
they want, and if you attempt to tell them, they are insulted. 
I’d rather go to “Heaven” than wait on a woman of this 
class. But they are perfect angels compared with the 
crank who comes up to your counter, asks for something, 
sits down, and never again opens her mouth for anything. 
T believe that every man and woman in the trade will agree 
with me when I say, this class of customer is the very worst 
of any they ever swear at — to themselves, of course. 

There she sits looking at everything shown to her, never 
saying whether it suits her or 'not, if you ask her “if she 
is able to make a selection from the goods already before 
her?” 

No answer, only a blank stare,with sometimes another feel 
of the goods. 

If you inquire, “ Is the price too high? ” No answer. 

“ Is it too low? ” No answer. 

“ Is the color the one desired? ” No answer. 

“ Shall you show her some more?” No answer. 

Thus it goes on, she looks at everything that is shown her, 
but remains all the while as mum as an oyster. 

If she would only say the articles were dear, off color, too 
narrow, too common, in fact anything that would give a 
fellow some idea of what the trouble was, it wouldn’t be so 
bad; but to sit there, playing the part of a mute, leaves you 
without any foundation whatever to work upon. 

.\fter a little while, such acting as this disgusts the assis- 
tant, and this being accomplished, it is only a very short 
step for him to lose his temper; and when he does this we 
all know what happens. The goods are rolled up, withdrawn, 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


75 - 


and put back into the shelves, and the first thing the “mute’^ 
discovers is a wide expanse of counter. Finding nothing of 
particular interest in the “mahogany,” she gets off her chair^ 
pulls down her veil, adjusts 'her bustle, and leaves the shop, 
followed by the kind prayers (?) of the fellow who had thfr 
misfortune to wait on her. 

I will now tell you how a woman belonging to this tribe 
threw four men out of a job: 

“ 1 once lived in a house in the north of London, that was 
visited by an unusually large number of this class of shop- 
pers. Indeed, they at length became such a nuisance, that 
we decided something would have to be done or there would 
be no living in the place. Accordingly, we put our wits to- 
work to evolve some scheme by which a stop might be put 
to their unprofitable and tiresome visits. A whole day 
passed, but nothing feasible had presented itself to us, and,, 
we may have been several days longer in this quandary had 
it not been for the most fortunate arrival of a new man the- 
next morning. Now, we could see our way clear to work 
something that had previously occurred to us, but had beerk 
abandoned for the very reason that it required a .stranger to 
accomplish it. Now we had that stranger, and all we de- 
sired was the speedy arrival of our first victim. Just after 
dinner she came, in the form of a young lady who made a 
practice of coming to the counter accompanied by her 
mother. The old lady would tell one of us to show iier 
daughter some goods, and then leave her to go off to some 
other part of the house and do some trading on her own ac- 
count. No sooner did we catch sight of the interesting 
couple than every man, excepting the new one — who, of 


76 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


course, did not know them from any other customers — re- 
membered he had very important business to attend to in 
some other part of the house, and straightway went off to 
see to it. When we returned the new man was tearing down 
the dress-goods and sweating like a bull. \\'^ith a smile and 
wink at each other, we took up it position behind a pile of 
goods, from which we could see all that went on. As we 
three fellows stood there watching the unfortunate wretch, 
yanking down the stuff and covering the counter to a depth 
of two or three feet, it was impossible to help pitying him, 
for well we knew he was doing it all for naught. For over 
ten minutes he talked and sweat, and sweat and talked, but 
never a word, or even a look, could the poor devil get from 
her. At last, turning round and catching sight of us three 
fellows standing in a group grinning, he thought something 
must be wrong. So, pretending to go tor some more goods, 
he came up to where we were standing, and gazing up into 
the shelves as though searching for some particular shade, 
he asked us, sotto voce, wlio and what that thing was he 
was waiting on?” 

On hearing the question, we looked at the girl, and Evans 
•said : 

“ Oh, we forgot to tell you, and of course, as it is the first 
time you have waited on her, you do not know her. Her 
name is Smithson, and she is deaf and dumb; have you been 
taking to her all this while?” 

“Why, of course I have, and she has never said a word 
since I started to serve her.” 

“ Well, that’s strange, I’m sure,” remarked Evans, “ con- 
sidering she is deaf and dumbP’ 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


I I 

“Well, never mind your sarcasm,” replied the new man, 
“ but tell me how in the deuce do you wait on her?” 

Why, you have to get a piece of paper and write down 
whatever you wish to tell her, and she will do the same.” 

As the new man went back to his delightful customer, he 
procured a piece of paper, and we slipped back behind the 
pile to watch for further developments. We saw him writ- 
ing something on the paper, and in a few minutes handed it 
to the young lady to read, and at the same time placing his 
lead pencil beside her. As we saw this, we each attempted 
to masticate a roll of goods in order to prevent our laughter 
escaping, and thereby give us away. But our merriment 
did not last long, however, for the next act in the perform- 
ance we witnessed was, the girl folded up the paper, placed it 
in her purse and then, rising to her feet, she walked out of 
the shop. 

This proceeding on the part of Miss Smithson, as I have 
just intimated took all the laugh out of us, for well we knew 
what to expect; there was no doubt in the world but what 
the girl would show the writing, (reflecting so strongly upon 
two of her senses) to her mother, and naturally that lady — 
wha really was a good customer of the house — would report 
it to the firm. 

As we watched the retreating figure of Miss Smithson, 
the new man came up to us with a look of great concern in 
his face. 

“ Look here, you fellows, you have been playing some joke 
on me,” he began. There was no chance for us to get out of 
it, so we made no attempt to deny it; but hastened to ask 
him what he had written? 


78 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


“ It strikes me,” he replied, “ You’ll all know soon enough 
without me informing you.” 

‘‘ Well,” said Price, “ if there was anything in it likely to 
cause a row, you had better tell us at once, so we shall know 
how to act; what did you write?” 

Why this: “ Madam, having only this morning entered 
the employ of this house, and therefore not knowing you, I 
was entirely ignorant of your affliction; and I assure you, 
have only just this minute been informed that you are deaf 
and dumb Please write down any questions you may wish 
to ask me, and I will give you an answer to them in a like 
manner! ” 

Notwithstanding the gravity of the situation, when the 
new man had repeated what he had written to the girl, we 
found it impossible to keep from roaring; but when serious- 
ness had once more been restored, one of the fellows asked 
what we thought the best thing to do? 

“ I vote we all quit before any complaint is made,” I said. 

I second that motion,” cried Price. “ What do you say 
Evans?” “Why! I shall do whatever the majority does, 
and as two will make a majority let us get out at once.” 
That settled it, and we immediately went to the counfing- 
house to draw our pay. 

I was the first to enter, and as someone is continually 
leaving their berth in this trade, nothing was said to me; 
but when Price asked for his “ pieces ” the old man thought 
something must be wrong, and asked him. why two men 
from one department wanted to leave at the same time? 
Price gave him some evasive ansv/er and got out of it as 
well as he could; immediately afterwards Evans 'went in 


UNVARNISHED YARNS, 


79 


and told the boss he wanted to leave. “ What the devil is 
the meaning of all this,” cried the old man? “Three men 
in one stock quit -without a moment’s notice; what’s the 
matter with you all of a sudden? Haven’t I paid you enough 
salarv? ” 

“ Yes! ” replied Evans, “ the salary is all right, but some- 
thing has just happened which makes it necessary for me 
to leave.” 

“ What is it? ” 

“ I can’t tell you sir! ” 

“ Can’t tell me be d you must tell me,” shouted the 

old man growing furious. 

Evans not liking the tone he was being spoken to in, also 
began to get huffy and cried out defiantly, “well I won’t tell 
you, so that’s an end of it.” 

“ Then I won’t pay you your salary,” roared the Guv. 

“ Oh! yes, you will, and what’s more, you will pay it at 
once, or I’ll know the reason why.” 

“Oh! you will, will you? and pray what can you do? 
You, a twopenny-halfpenny assistant, if I tell you I am not 
bound to pay you,” sneered the boss. “ The rule of my 
house is, that all salaries be paid monthly, and if anyone 
wants to leave I can compel them to give me a month’s 
notice, or lose a month’s money.” 

When the old man got through, he looked at Evans, as 
much as to say, “ There! now, what do you think of that for 
a piece of law? ” 

Whether or no this question passed through his mind I 
am unable to say; but if it did, he got a complete answer to 
it when Evans said, “And pray why didn’t you tell Price and 


80 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


Davis that? You paid them without making any of this 
fuss, and you must pay me. Besides,” he continued, “ any 
rule which won’t work both ways is no good.” 

“ What do you mean by that? ” shrieked the boss, his 
temper once more getting the upper hand of his sarcasm. 

“ I mean this, last week when you discharged Smith, Brown 
and Robinson, you neither paid them an extra month’s 
wages or gave them a month’s notice previous to dismissing 
them; and if they are not entitled to it, why then you are 
not, and what’s more, you won’t get it; so hand over my sal- 
ary, or I’ll break your face,” — and Evans would have done 
it too. 

What Evans had just said to the old man either struck 
him as having more truth than rhyme in it, or he became 
fearful of carrying a cracked skin about him for some indefi- 
nite period; but no matter the reason, whatever it might 
have been, two minutes after Evans had thus scared him, he 
had paid the money and our chum was with us on the out- 
side. We crossed ovei: the street and took up a position 
commanding a good view of the entrance to the shop we 
had just left, and waited to see if Mrs, Smithson and her in- 
jured daughter would put in an appearance. Much to our 
delight and amusement, in a short while we saw them hop- 
ping along and heading straight for the shop; and both of 
them, to judge from the snapping look in their eyes, were 
bent upon making it sultry for some poor devil. 

When they entered, we felt sorry for the new man as we 
thought of the dressing down he would get from the old man, 
assisted by the two angry females. If we had only thought 
of it and persuaded him to throw up the job, as well as our- 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


81 


selves, we could have enjoyed the joke twice as much; for 
just fancy the old woman and her daughter waltzing into 
the office and making a complaint, and when asked to point 
out the offending salesman, find no one there at all. How 
would it do for one of us to go and get him to quit now? He 
would only lose half a day’s salary anyway, and may be 
save himself from being discharged. 

“ I don’t think that would work,” said Price, “ you see he 
is the only fellow in the stock, and the Guv. would hardly 
have the nerve to swap him under the circumstances. 
Besides, ” 

But, whatever Price was about to add we never heard, for 
just at that moment we saw the old man come tearing out of 
the office, followed by the irate females. We could not see 
the dress goods counter from the street, consequently we were 
unable to witness the pantomime which occurred there, and 
to content ourselves with waiting until we met some of the 
fellows, who could describe it to us. We had not, how- 
ever, to wait as long as we expected; but our information 
came from a very different source from the one anticipated, 
for as we stood watching the entrance, we were suddenly 
surprised to see the new man himself emerge therefrom. 

At once suspecting something of a highly interesting na- 
ture had transpired, we hastened to the other side of the 
street and caught up with him. In answer to the <iuestion 
we put to him, he told us the following; 

“ You fellows had only left the house a very short while 
before I saw the ‘deaf and dumb’ (?) girl, accompanied 
by her mother, walk in and make a dart for the office; 
guessing what their errand was, and knowing that I had but 


6 


82 


UNVARNISHED YARNS- 


half a day’s pay to lose, I made up my mind to take no 
abuse, either from them or the boss. They had only been 
closeted with, the boss for a very few minutes, before he tore 
out and came to our counter, closely followed by the two 
ladies. 

I saw at a glance he was boiling, and the women them- 
selves didn’t look any more like angels than they had to. 

“ Which man insulted you in such a manner, ISIiss 
Smithson? ” 

That delightful creature (who could both speak and hear 
quick enough now,) pointed me out as the culprit. “ But,” 
she added, “ I don’t think he is so much to blame as the 
other three, who, I feel sure, put him up to it.” 

“ Oh yes he is,” cried the boss, he should have known 
better. As for the other three you speak of, I have already 
discharged them, (and of course the women not seeing you 
fellows present believed it) and to make a still further 
example, I shall punish this yonng man severely by fining 
him heavily. When I heard this I got hot, and knowing I 
should lose my half day’s pay if I quit, I could not even 
allow this great item to prevent me from having my say out. 
In an instant I had called the boss a bald-headed old liar, 
telling him he had done no such a thing, the three men had 
left of their own accord and as for fining me heavily, as he 
proposed, I should see him in “London fields” before I’d 
pay a copper. Then putting on my hat I jumped the counter 
and told him I thought the best thing he could do was to 
get another man to wait on his customers, as I had gone to 
a school where they did not teach the “ deaf and dumb 
alphabet.” So you see I got a whack at the women and gave 
him a kick at the same time. 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


83 


Although this ruse of ours had worked disaster to us, 
inasmuch as it had been the means of depriving us of our 
situations, it did much good in the trade eventually; for 
shortly after it occurred, nearly every house in London had 
heard of it, and whenever a woman of this offensive class 
W'as caught playing her little game, two of the fellows who 
were disengaged at the time, would stand just close enough 
to her to be distinctly heard, and then relate, what soon 
became known to the trade as the “deaf and dumb’ yarn.” 
In nine cases out of ten, the woman who heard it would 
take the hint and find, and use her tongue. 

* * * ♦ * * * 

If the foregoing should ever be read by any lady who is 
in' the habit of shopping in such a manner as the obnoxious 
Miss Smithson, I sincerely trust no offence will be taken, as 
I can assure them none is intended. Far be it from the 
author’s desire to hurt the feelings of any lady, and my sole 
reason for relating the incident at all, is, to point out to 
such ladies, the means by which they can secure better 
attention from the salesmen, and at the same time, make 
his lot — which at the best is a thankless and trying one — 
more comfortable and easy to bear. 


|l7(? /T)ajor Joii^s tl^e prmy Before fie Expected to 
ai^d al$o Brip^s pboct a |V(?ed(?d !^(?form. 


The first month had passed away, and the jovial Mr. 
Soakum made extensive preparations for the first “dinner,’’ 
as he modestly called it; but in reality, as I have heretofore 
said, this proved to be about the best apology for a “ ban- 
quet” I ever had the pleasure to help dispose of. Nothing, 
not even the smallest detail, had been forgotten or over- 
looked. And when the eventful evening arrived our smiling 
landlord looked the picture of happiness as he moV^ed 
around the table with his “swallow-tail” on — no doubt one 
he had preserved since the days of his early servitude — see- 
ing that our glasses were kept filled by the army of waiters; 
most of whom had been engaged for the occasion. Precisely 
at seven o’clock the attack commenced, and if you think 
the fight was not fast and destructive, you are greatly mis- 
taken. The fish, served out from the head of the table by 
our worthy chairman, and from the foot of the table by the 
“ American” — who by this time had become one of the most 
popular fellows in the company — disappeared so rapidly 
that the only wonder to me was the entire absence of chok- 
ing from bones. No sooner had the fish, or rather the dishes 
which had held them been removed, than in came the 
waiters bearing in their arms, turkeys, geese, ducks and 
other fowl, in such quantity that one would almost expect to 
notice the difference in the numbers of the feathered tribe. 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


85 


These “ flew” aw'ay before the relentless attack, as rapidly 
as could be reasonably expected, considering the present 
denuded state of their wings. Thus it went on, one course 
following close upon the other, and not until half past eight 
was the cloth removed, the waiters “ tipped” and discharged, 
pipes lighted and drinks served. Then one or two who had 
seen the bottom of their glasses oftener than was good for 
them, broke into loud and boisterous song. 

The whole company refused to take Mr. Soakum’s usual 
excuse for retiring, and insisted upon that worthy taking a 
seat and spending, if not all, at least a part of the evening 
with us. After giving the dinner a chance to work dowm 
and settle a bit, Mr. Lane called the meeting to order, and 
singled out Mr. Johnson to do his duty. Mr. Johnson got 
upon his feet, not without some difficulty, and evidently 
much against his will, and provoked the audience to laughter, 
which, though loud and hearty, must have been very painful 
to many of them besides myself, by saying: “ I will give 
any man in this room five shillings that will take my place. 
I don’t want to shirk my duty, but I am so tightly packed 
my iungs have not room enough left to perform their proper 
functions.” This offer, of course, was received with de- 
rision; and above the shouts of laughter it provoked, could 
be heard the grampus-like puff and roar of our host. 

Mr. Lane, on procuring silence, ruled that the excuse 
given by Mr. Johnson was not sufficiently good to allow that 
gentleman to break half the entire number of rules at one 
smack. This decision was received by all present with loud 
and prolonged and perhaps a few inebriated cheers of ap- 
proval; for most of us knew that if w'e could only get old 
Johnson w'ound up, he would keep going for no end of time. 


86 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


Finding that further excuses would be likely to avail him 
nothing, and giving a very audible groan, Mr. Johnson bowed 
to his fate, and began; 

Weil, gentlemen, as I was eating the stuff which has put 
me into such a very uncomfortable condition — I wish I could 
feel as uncomfortable every day — I thought what a contrast 
it offered to the “ salt horse” and “boiled baby” i. e. corned 
beef, and salt pork, on which we are so often regaled by 
our generous (?) employers; and when the cheese and 
celery came on at the end of the sumptuous meal, it brought 
before my mind, vivid pictures of the ancient cheese and 
athletic butter we are so lavishly supplied with at supper 
time. 

As I thought of one and devoured the other, an incident 
which happened years ago in the house I served my time 
in, came to my recollection; and, as I think from its nature 
it is the most appropriate to this occasion of any I know, by 
reason of the contrast it will make, I have decided to relate 
it. Before commencing, however, I should like to have a 
window or two opened, for even if my lungs have no room 
to expand in at present, I should like them to have a chance 
at something to work on when the time comes. 

One of the fellows accordingly pushed down a window, 
and Mr. Johnson started; 

In the house I am about to speak of, it was the rule for 
one of the! shop- walkers or buyers to take the housekeeper’s 
place at the head of the table at supper time, and serve out 
the butter and cheese. Now, it was also another rule that 
if a fellow, or a girl for that matter, had at the first helping 
taken butter, he could not take cheese at the second helping, 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


87 


but had to stick to his first choice. Why this was so I am 
not prepared to state; probably our employers were prompted 
by a desire to see us enjoy good health and thought two such 
vile compounds could not harmoniously exist in the delicate 
food department of the average draper. If they did, I give 
them all the credit due them for their solicitude. But what- 
ever the reason, the fact still remains that such was the rule. 
Of course, all sorts of ruses were resorted to, to obtain a 
change when desired, but the most popular and successful 
was this: 

Suppose, for instance, a fellow took cheese the first time and 
found it too “ strong and alive ” for him to combat, he would 
find one of his neighbors who had got some butter, and bor- 
row a small piece from him, removing all traces of the 
offensive cheese; he would then smear his plate over with 
the butter and pass it up to the head of the table, at the 
same time crying out “ more butter.” As a rule this worked 
all right; but sometimes the shop-walker would remember he 
had sent down cheese before and refuse to “ grease.” 
Through this absurd rule, a most amusing thing took place. 
One night, an apprentice we called the ” Major ” — on 
account of his avowed intention of entering the army as 
soon as his time was out — struck some butter that w'as 
unusually rank; carefully removing all traces of it, he pro- 
cured a piece of cheese from the fellow next to him and 
crumbled it over his plate, thereby giving it the appearance 
of having previously contained that delectable article. 
Much to his surprise however, when his plate came back, he 
found a second helping of the tallow-like substance upon it. 

“ I sent up my plate for cheese, Mr, W ,” cried the 

“ Major.” 


88 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


“ I know you did and I sent you down butter.” 

“ Well, 1 had cheese the first time and I want it again.” 

“You had nothing of the kind sir, so don’t lie.” 

“ Who is lying? ” cried the “ Major ” in a rage. “ If you 
tell me I lie I’ll punch your head.” 

“Look here, young fellow,” observed Mr. W , white 

with suppressed wrath, “ you think that because you are 
nearly out of your apprenticeship, you can say and do 
just whatever you please; now I am going to show you and 
everyone else in the room that you have made a grave mis- 
take.” And without another ivord Mr. W left his seat 

and made for the “ Major.” 

As the “ Major ” saw him approach he rose to his feet, and 
big as he w'as, we all saw he was somewhat scared; but now" 
that liB had started the row" he had to put up w"ith the con- 
sequences; so putting on the boldest front he could com- 
mand, he cried out, “ now" you keep away from me, I don’t 
want to hurt you, you ain’t my size.” These remarks how- 
ever, did not have the slightest effect upon Mr. \V , who 

rushed upon the “ Major ” and struck him a sound blow on 
the ear. 

Everyone in the room now became more or less excited. 
Some of the girls screamed and others said, “why. we’re 
going to faint.” Whether they did or not none of us ever 
knew or cared. The fellows w"ho w'ere evidently enjoying 
the prospect of a fight, took no notice of the poor girls. The 
“Major ” on feeling the blow, became furious, and at once 
closed w"ith his antagonist. 

“Give ’em room, do you hear?” “ give ’em room,” came 
the cry from all parts of the dining hall. 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


89 


As the two men were swaying to and fro in their struggles 
some of the other buyers and shopwalkers thought the thing 
had gone far enough, and made an attempt to separate them. 
This, however, they found to be no easy matter, for no sooner 
>vere their intentions declared, than they found themselves 
forcibly dragged back by the now thoroughly excited crowd. 
Finding it of no use for them to again interfere — as by so 
doing they might have caused a free fight — they contented 
themselves with taking the names of all the fellows present, 
intending to report, and fine them on the morrow. 

The combatants were iiretty evenly matched in strength, 
and at the present stage of the fight it was hard to say who 

would prove the victor. Now Mr. W would have the 

best of it, and the next minute shouts offering to lay the 
odds on the “ Major ” would be heard. 

Mr. Johnson paused for a few moments to take in a little 
of the fresh air, which he told us, his lungs were in a con- 
dition to receive. 

I think, gentlemen, before going any further, a little ex- 
planation of the battle-field will be necessary for the better 
understanding of the balance of my yarn. 

The dining-room of the house was situated on the second 
floor, in the rear part of the building, and directly under- 
neath was the kitchen. 

Now, there being, at the time I am speaking of, some 
hundred and fifty or more in the house, to carry the 
food upstairs required by this number would have been no 
joke, so a lift had been put in to obviate this extra labor. 
As this lift eventually became the means of putting a stop to 
the struggles of the “ Major ” and Mr. W , I will briefly 


90 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


describe it. It was about four feet wide, five feet high, and 
perhaps three or three and a half feet deep. On the inside 
was nailed a card informing the world that it was not a 
“passenger lift,” and the manufacturers would not be 
responsible for any accident occurring through its being put 
to an iniproper use. 

Near the lift the men were now struggling, each striving 
to down his adversary, while the excited crowd of fellows 
fairly danced around them, egging on and encouraging their 
respective favorites, and in this way it was easy to discover 
that popular feeling was on the “ Major’s ” side. Presently, 

with a desperate effort, Mr. W freed himself from the 

“ Major’s ” grasp, and before that aspirant for military 
honors could prevent it, he received a stinging blow on the 
point of his chin. If the crowd had been excited before, they 
were fairly wild at this, and shouted to the “ Major,” “to go 
in,” “finish him off,” “why, you are big enough to eat him,” 
came the cry from many of the fellows. 

Maddened with pain and rage, the “ Major,” who so far 
had certainly got the worst of it, rushed furiously upon the 
shopwalker, caught him firmly around the waist, picked him 
off his feet and hurled him to the floor, amidst the frantic 
and enthusiastic cheers of his admirers. Only a moment, 

however, did Mr. W remain in his prostrate position, 

and the next he was on his feet again. 

The “ Major,” excited by his former success, combined 
with the applause it had gained, made another attempt to 
repeat his feat; and would, no doubt, have succeeded, had 
not some fellow shouted: “ Put him in the lift.” No sooner 
had this been heard, than every man in the room repeated 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


91 


it; and quick as a flash the “Major,” instead of throwing his 
adversary to the floor, changed his mind and jammed the 
struggling shopiyalker into the open lift, and a dozen willing 
hands slammed to the door and released the brake, amidst 
the yells and shouts of laughter of the delighted mob. We 
could hear the lift descending to the kitchen below, and some 
of the fellows rushed down to receive the strong cargo, 
whilst those remaining behind gave the “Major” three rous- 
ing cheers. 

We saw no more that night of the unfortunate shop- 
walker, after he had made his exit in such a novel manner; 
but the next day he made his complaint to the boss, and the 
“Major” was sent for to give an account of his conduct. 

“ Cummington,” began Mr. S , “ what is the meaning 

of all the disturbance you caused last night?” 

“ Well, I like that,” replied the “ Major,” “ I didn’t cause 

any disturbance. It was Mr. W ; he called me a liar; 

then struck me.” 

“ I did not call you a liar,” retorted Mr. W . “ What 

I said was this: When you told me you had been helped 
to cheese the first time, I said it was nothing of the kind, 
and don’t lie; those were my exact words, as near as I can 
remember; and you know it.” 

“Cummington, this is a very serious matter, indeed, and 
I have a great mind to cancel your indentures!” 

“Hang it all, cancel them; the quicker you do it the 
better,” cried the “Major.” 

Mr. S , who until now had spoken very quietly and 

gently, when he heard the “ Major” thus defy him, com- 
pletely lost control of his temper, and, white with fury, he 
roared out : 


92 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


‘‘ Do you know what it will mean, sir, if I cancel your in- 
dentures?” 

“Yes, I do; it will mean that I shall join the army ten 
days before I hoped, or expected to; that’s what it will 
mean!” , ... 

“ Look here, young fellow,” shrieked Mr. S , stamping 

about his office, and shaking both his fists in the face of the 
“ Major,” “ don’t you dare to trifle with me in my own 
office; I won’t have it, sir; no, sir; I won’t have it; neither 
from you or anyone else; and, mark well what I say, sir, if 
I cancel your indentures, you will go out of this house in 
disgrace and without a character; do you hear?” ^ 

“ Character! character!” remarked the “ JNIajor,” with a 
grin; “character, be blowed; a fellow don’t want any 
character to go into the army with. You can keep your 
character, I don’t want it.” 

“You infernal scamp, leave the office; leave, sir; get out 
of my sight at once,” yelled the boss, almost bursting with 
rage and passion caused by the contemptuous way in which 
the “ Major” had treated his threats. 

On receiving th’S command, the “ Major” Avheeled right 
about and stamped out as loudly as his heavily soled boots 

would permit. Then Mr. S turned to Mr. W and 

said, “ he could do nothing more in the matter; for he could 
plainly see that, even if he were to destroy his indentures, 
it would please, rather than punish the offender. If T were 
you, I would have him arrested for assault and battery.” 

But Mr. W , knowing the other fellows were against 

him, and could also swear that he, himself, had struck the 
first blow, said “he did not want to be so hard upon the boy; 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


93 


he was perfectly willing to let the matter drop, if Cumming- 
ton would return to the office and apologize for his conduct 

in the presence of Mr, S Accordingly, the boss had 

the«“ Major” recalled, and told him what Mr. W wanted. 

When the “ Major” heard the terms by which peace could 
be arranged, he turned on the shopwalker and said: 

“He would see him, etc., etc., before he would apologize 
" to him. Its like your infernal cheek to ask it; for instead 
of me asking your pardon, I think it is your place to 
apologize to me,” 

“ Cummington,” broke in Mr. S , who had regained, in 

a measure, his composure, “ I decide you are in the wrong. 

You had no right to say impudent things to Mr. W or 

any of the shopwalkers; and I’ll give you just one minute 
by my watch to make an apology. If at the end of that 
time, you have not complied, out of this house you go, pack 
and baggage.” 

Mr. S then took out his watch; and ]\Ir. W , who 

looked very miserable — as though he already scented further 
mischief — and not knowing of anything better to do, imitated 
his employer. In about ten seconds the “Major” inquired if 
time was up? But his question was completely ignored by 

both Mr. S and his manager, whose face took on a still 

more wretched expression. When at length the time had 
expired, and the “Major” saw the watches returned to their 
owner’s pockets, he shouted: “Hurrah for the army,” and 
rushed out of the office. Before any one knew what he was 

about, he had left the shop. Mr. S , who had only meant 

his threat as a “ bluff,” guessed at once what the “ Major’s” 
intentions were, and dispatched a couple of the fellows to 


^4 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


the enlisting sergeant’s office to head him off; but when they 
arrived there, not a sign of the “Major” could they discover; 
and upon making inquiry of the officer, were told that no 
such man as they described had been there that morning; 
and the two fellows at once concluded that he had gone 
direct to Whitehall, and, having so much start of them, it 
would be folly to' pursue him farther, they therefore returned 
to the shop. 

About one o’clock, in walked the late apprentice, with the 
ribbons still streaming from his hat, and we all knew he had 
started on his career to become a bona fide Major. It was 

no use for Mr. S to raise a racket, when he saw what 

the “Major” had done; for he knew enough to see that his 
chances of holding the man in his service were very, very 
slim, when compared with those of the government. Ac- 
cordingly, the “Major” was allowed to pack his trunk in 
peace, and, having done this, he shook hands with us all, 
and I have never seen him since. 

“ A few days afterwards Mr. S gave orders for the 

assistants in future to be allowed to have cheese or butter, or 
- both if they wished, declaring his entire ignorance of the 
previous rule, which he characterized as ridiculous. So, 
after all, the “Major” had been the means of procuring a 
reform much needed in the house, and no one regretted the 
incident. 

“That’s' all; will some fellow give me a drink?” 


off Boiled Baby for 5ix 


When order had once more been restored, a member rose 
to his feet and said: “Some of the remarks made by Mr. 
Johnson in relating his yarn had struck him very forcibly, 
and he felt that no more fitting occasion than the present 
could arise for a little comment on the disgraceful way 
in which some firms boarded their employes. In 
my opinion,” continued Mr. Sansome, “ what we need is a 
regular inspector, appointed by the Government, to see that 
the food prepared for the hundreds of thousands of assist- 
ants, by their employers, is of a fit and proper quality, and 
a fair equivalent for the amount deducted from their wages 
to provide it for them. If a man asks for a salary of a hun- 
dred a year to ‘ live out,’ they tell him: ‘Oh! we don’t per- 
mit anyone employed by us to ‘live out,’ but board them all 
in the house; and as we allow £60 a year per head for that 
purpose, the best we can do for you is £40 a year, and 
‘ live in.’ 

“ Now, every man in this room knows as well as I can tell 
him, that £60 a year will keep two assistants in the vile way 
they are so often kept at the present time. Take our house, 
for instance, what kind of living do we find there? Let us 
look at last week for an example. 

‘‘ On Sunday we had cold ‘ salt horse ’ and ‘ spotted dog;’ 
of course it is only necessary to review the dinners, as the 
breakfasts, teas and suppers are the same from the first of 
January to the last of December. On Monday we had 


96 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


‘boiled infant’ and pease pudding, and, if I remember right, 
a great number of us went hungry till tea time. On Tues- 
day what remained of the ‘ baby ’ was dished up to us in a 
cold state, and a slice of ‘ poultice pudding,’ * added by way 
of desert. Wednesday, the festive ‘ resurrection pie ’ made 
its appearance, and I’ll swear I actually recognized pieces of 
the ‘ salt horse’ I had left on Sut)day. Thursday, being a 
short day — although we get quite as hungry by noon as on 
any other — and consequently less money taken, they cannot 
be expected to afford such a good meal for us as on a full 
day; we were therefore made still better acquainted with the 
already familiar lea\dngs of previous feasts (?) through the 
medium of that delectable dish known to the civilized world 
as “hash.” Friday, we got a half-way decent meal of roast 
beef, thank God. Saturday, what remained of the joint was 
served cold, together with a slice of “ bugs in a bolster.” 

“ Now, are there any here to-night fools enough to believe 
that such stuff as this, and the other trash we get for break- 
fast, tea and supper, costs the house £60 per year? ” " 

“No! No!! Not half of it,” cried every man in the room 
with great vehemence. 

“ Then why do we pay it?” and Mr. Sansome waited a 
minute for an answer, but getting none, he said, “I’ll tell 
you why we pay it. It's because we don’t dare to refuse; 
for well we do know what the result would be. They 
would simply tell you, that if the food provided by them 
was not good enough for you to eat, you had better leave; 
and they would probably add, that there was hundreds of 
men whose mouths were just watering to get a chance at 
the same viands.” 


*Tnis sometimes appears on restaurant bills of fare as "cottage pudding.” 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


97 


“ The only feasible method arising to my mind,” con- 
tinued Mr. Sansome, “by which this greatest of all Avrongs 
Ave have to suffer may be remedied, is, by .giving to the pub- 
lic, through the medium of the press, some account of the 
true state of things, together with a list of the names of 
houses Avho do not give their employes fit and proper food 
to eat. If this Avere done, I guarantee the firms thus shown 
up, would at once improve their tables. If the chairman 
Avill alloAV me to give a little experience, by Avay of demon- 
strating to those present, hoAv much the employers dread any 
exposure of this sort, I shall be pleased to do so.” 

Mr. Lane looked at his Avatch and found it Avas not yet 
eleven o’clock — and as on Thursday nights Ave were not re- 
quired to get in before twelve,, gave his consent, greeted by 
the stormy applause of the Avhole croAvd, Avho, by this time, 
had become full of a spirit of reform — or some other spirit — 
in this direction. 

Mr. Sansome prefaced his yarn by remarking that 
Avhat he Avas about to relate Avas in every particular true. 

When I had left the house in Avhich I had served for 
four years for nothing, I got a berth over in the north of 
London, in an establishment, the proprietors of Avhich Avere 
trying to emulate the famous Whitely. The neighborhood, 
however, not being very thickly settled, and the men being 
anything but prepossessing in manners, it Avas no wonder 
they made a failure of it. 

For months before the final crash came, Ave all saAV that 
it Avas only a question of time with them, and then the doors 
Avould be closed and a Avhole army of us would be “out of 
collar.” 


7 


^8 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


N'>w, as would naturally be expected, any firm who 
kept a large staff’ of assistants, and among the other articles 
of commerce, a full stock of groceries and provisions, would, 
of course, use from this supply on every possible occasion, 
as by so doing they would make two profits. As long as 
they were able to keep the butcher shop open, we had fresh 
meat, at least twice a week, but after a while their trade in 
this department fell off to such a small item they decided to 
close it up. Now, it had never struck any of us that with 
the butcher shop closed our supply of fresh meat would be 
cut off, but we very soon found this 'was to be the result. 

•“The grocery department, at this time, was well stocked 
with salt pork. When I say well stocked, I mean largely 
stocked. And the mother of the firm, who acted as their 
househelper, fell back upon this from whicli to draw sup- 
plies. And I tell you she did draw ’em with a vengeance. 
INIonday it was boiled salt pork, or as the trade calls it, 
^ boiled baby; ” Tuesday came, and with it another supph' of 
boiled baby;” Wednesday came, and they cooked another 
“child;” Thursday found the “infant” still with us, but cooled 
otf; Friday they cut him up and endeavored to bury his 
mutilated remains in a mess of indigestible “pease pudding;” 
Saturday we were introduced to another little stranger, and 
on the Sabbath, as an extra treat, what remained of it was 
)brought on, in what the housekeeper had the nerve to call 
'“pork pies.” The next week was almost an exact repetition 
of the previous one, and loud and many were the curses and 
imprecations heaped upon the head of the person who had 
ifirst brought ‘boiled baby’ into the world. The girls had by 
rthis time become unable to eat any more of the muck, and 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


99 


sent to a neighboring confectioners for rolls, cakes, etc., and 
many of the men bought bottles of lime juice, declaring they 
were already developing symptoms of scurvey. This out- 
rageous state of affairs was kept up for another two weeks, 
and many of the assistants, both male and female, finding 
it impossible to put up with it any longer, left the house, 
whilst those who were unfortunate enough to have to remain 
— amongst whom was myself — went on eating hog, hog, hog, 
until at length we had not the nerve to look a pig in the 
face. 

* For over six weeks the bald-headed old wretch whose 
duty it was to ‘'dissect the child,” never varied the dinners 
once, and had it not been for an incident that occurred one 
night, in all probability she would have made no change for 
another six weeks. One night we went down to supper — 
the only meal we were allowed to take without this old terror 
presiding at the table — and when the maid-servant had 
brought in a cheese, and again left the room, we started to 
appease our appetites. One of the girls taking a seat at the 
head of the table, made an attack upon the cheese; but, 
when the first slice had been cut out, revealing the interior, 
the girl gave such a piercing shriek, we thought she had cut 
her finger, “Oh! come quick; look, look, its all alive; take 
it avvay, take away,” she cried. The fellow sitting nearest 
to her pulled it towards him, and sure enough it was all 
ALIVE. I never saw anything like it in all my business 
career and I think I have lived in some of the toughest 
houses in London. Why, I’ll take my bible oath there was 
not a pound of sound cheese altogether, the balance being 
one mass of wriggling maggots. This was more than human 


100 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


nature could endure — especially when it had been starved 
for nearly six weeks — and one of the buyers indignantly 
announced that he would stand it no longer. “If you fellows ■ 
will back me up, I’ll undertake to settle this thing once and 
forever this very night.” Desperate with hunger and rage, 
we assured him we would back him up in anything, if by so 
doing we could obtain something fit to eat. 

“ Well, then let every man keep his mouth shut, and every 
lady both her mouth and her nostrils closed, and do as I say 
without asking any questions.” 

In an instant our lips were sealed, and we stood mutely, 
by to obey his commands. 

“ First of all, pass that stuff around and let everybody 
take a portion of it, and put it on a plate.” When we had 
done this Mr. Duke said, “ Now, ladies and gentlemen, be- 
fore making the next move, I want to tell you that we have 
for the last six weeks been treated worse than any convict in 
any prison in England, and now has been added the straw 
that will break the camel’s back, and I, for one, do not intend 
to stand such treatment any longer.” 

“ Nor I,” came the cry from the starving crowd. “ Go 
‘ahead, Mr. Duke, and we will stand by you.” 

“ What I propose doing,” continued Mr. Duke, “ is to 
march upstairs, and the whole gang of us range ourselves 
around the parlors of the firm, and there show them the dif- 
ference between the ‘ rot ’ they would feed us on and the sub- 
stantial fare they regale themselves with. Now, there are 
over sixty of us here, and if each one can carry a plate of 
this muck so far without allowing it to escape — for I notice it 
is very active — I think we shall be able to spoil at least one 
of their meals by turning their stomachs.” 


UNVARNISHED YARN5. 


101 


During the time it took Mr. Duke to make these re- 
marks he had been carefully placing a quantity of the 
offensive and lively cheese into a small can, which he told 
us would play a very important part in the game, if our de- 
mands for better living were not acceded to. 

“ Now, I want every person to promise me, if they set any 
salt pork before us to-morrow, that they will leave the house 
on the spot, without a moment’s notice; and if such a pro- 
oeeding does become necessary, this little canful of ‘ maggots ’ 
will be brought out and made use of, in what way I will not 
state at present.” 

“ Now, will you all promise what I ask? ” 

‘‘ We do,” came the answer as though it had been given in 
one voice, instead of sixty. 

“ Then take up your plate of ‘live stock ’ and follow me,” 
and Mr. Duke opened the door and began to ascend the 
stairs, followed by every man and girl in the house, each 
bearing a plate of the vilest filth any human being had ever 
been called upon to eat. 

Up two flights of stairs we went, and reaching the door of 
the apartment we knew was occupied as the dining room of 
the family, Mr. Duke gently knocked. 

A voice from within said, “ Come in,’’ and the crowd be- 
gan to titter, but this,, however, was instantly stopped and 
Mr. Duke pushed open the'door. As we expected, the fam- 
ily had just sat down to their own supper, which by contrast 
to ours appeared to be a veritable feast. 

Mr. Duke walked in, holding his handkerchief to his nose 
with his left hand, and his plate of “ fish-bait ” with the 
right; and before any of the family could sufficiently recover 


102 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


from their surprise, the room was packed with men, women 
and maggots. 

The old woman was the first to find the use of her 
tongue — which, of course, was perfectly natural, as she had 
given that member the most practice — and she fairly 
shrieked out: “ What’s the meaning of all this? How dare 
you bring such filthy stuff into this room?” 

This last question was the worst she could possibly have 
asked; and Mr. Duke lost no time in answering it. “ You 
ask how we dare to bring this filthy stuff into this room? 
Now, I will ask you how you dare provide such filthy stuff 
for our stomachs? Surely they are entitled to as much con- 
sideration as this room.” Before anything else could be said, 
the boss got up and with an angry oath commanded every- 
one of us to leave the room. But we had promised to stand 
by Mr. Duke, and not one of us moved an inch. Furious 
with rage the boss cried out: “ You, etc., etc., leave this 
room at once or I’ll — .” But ’ere he could add another 
word Mr. Duke stopped him, indignantly exclaiming: 

“Look here Mr. B , that’s enough of this; we may have 

eaten enough pork in the last six weeks to transform us into 

hogs, but by G we are not dogs. And I want you to 

understand you can’t apply such vile epithets as this to us 
with impunity, and by all that’s holy, if you do not at once 
apologize to these ladies for using such language in their 
presence. I’ll give you the soundest thrashing 3^11 ever got 
in your life.” And he would have done it, for Mr. Duke 
was not the man to be played with when once aroused. 

Fearful the matter would end in some serious trouble, the 
other boss went over to a window, threw it open, and in a 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


103 


loud voice shouted : “ Police, police.” Two officers who were 
passing at the time stopped as they heard the cry and in- 
quired the cause of it. Why. there is a fight going on in 
the house, come up at onCe. A very few seconds found the 
policemen on the scene, and observing the threatening atti- 
tude of Mr. Duke, who had paid no attention to the cry of 
police, but had taken his coat off and rolled up his shirt- 
sleeves, at once laid hold of him. 

This was more than we had bargained for and the girls, 
growing alarmed at the turn things had taken, threw down 
their plates in a confused and squirming mass and rushed 
from the room. Then followed a perfect babel of longues. 
The old lady who in the excitement had got a “list to star- 
board” on her wig, declared, with tears in her faded eyes, 
that Mr. Duke had nearly killed her son. And Mr. Duke 
retorted by saying he hadn’t touched him yet, but could 
kill the whole family in two shakes. The officers in vain 
endeavored to get in a question, but no one would listen to 
them, and growing weary of so much nonsense they released 
Mr. Duke and were about to leave the room, when the old 
man — the father of the firm — called them back and told 
them to take Mr. Duke into custody. 

“What for?” demanded the shopwalker. “Yes! thaPsi 
it, what for? ” repeated the whole crowd of us, he has done 
nothing wrong. 

One of the policemen who from his stripes was evidently a 
superior officer, here remarked, “ that if we would keep 
quiet he would see what could be done in the matter.” 

Mr. Duke himself also appealed to us for silence, and 
this had the desired effect, for there was not one of us but 


104 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


what regarded him as a perfect hero. When order had been 
obtained, the officer turned to the boss and inquired the 
meaning of all the row. 

“ You tell him, father,” said Mr. B . B senior 

thereupon began to tell how the family had just taken their 
seats at the supper table, when a knock came at the door, and 
upon his son saying “ come in,” all the employes of the 
house marched in, each carrying a plate of cheese- -here 
someone remarked, sot to voce, “don’t call it names,” — and 
when asked the meaning of such a proceeding, a general up- 
roar ensued, and several hard names were exchanged; one 
thing brought on another until at last Mr. Duke threatened 
to thrash my son and was about to put his threat into execu- 
tion when you arrived.” 

“ Now for our version of the affair,” said Mr. Duke, as the 
old man finished speaking. “ Mr. Officer, you see this stuff 
and he pointed to one of the wriggling masses; it looks and 

moves like maggots, but as Mr. B has honored it with 

the name of “cheese,” I’ll do the same just for convenience. 
Well, that’s the sort of “ tack ” that was put on our table 
downstairs for supper to-night, and as the food provided for 
our meals this last six weeks, or more, has been nothing 
else but salt pork and such stuff as this — although I admit, 
this is the worst — we thought it time to strike for a change. 

Now we thought it possible Mr. B did not know suph a 

state of affairs existed, and accordingly we took this method 
of acquainting him with -the real fact. This however, we 
found was not necessary, for his conduct here a few minutes 
ago proved beyond a doubt he had known all about it, and 
he in his wrath at us for making a kick against such fare. 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


105 


SO far forgot himself as to use most obscene language towards 
us and many of us you will observe, are young ladies — the 
girls finding things were now quiet, and unable to control 
their curiosity, had again entered the room — and I, as any 

man would have done, resented it by informing Mr. B 

that if he did not retract it, I would thrash him, and you 
can bet I would have done it, too. That Mr. Officer, is the 
whole truth of the matter, and I have at least sixty witnesses 
here to prove it.” 

Well, I don’t think you will need any of them, for now I 
have heard the story I shall not interfere. I have no 

authority to act in the matter anyway, and you Mr. B , 

if you want to push the thing any further must get a war- 
rant, good night. 

Mr. B somewhat nettled by the officers’ coolness, took 

their numbers and said he would see about it in the morn- 
ing, and then dismissed them. After the policemen had 
left the room, Mr. Duke quietly remarked: “If you are wise 

Mr. B , you will do nothing of the kind, for to do so will 

cause the infamous way your employes have been treated 
to become known all over London, and this you cannot 
afford to have happen, for if it was once made public that you 
had dared to provide such vile stuff as this for our consump- 
tion, there is not a man or woman in all London, that would 
spend a penny in your establishment.' And now I have 
something else to say to you, and that is, if we do not im- 
mediately have a change of diet, to-morrow at noon, every 
assistant in this house will walk out of it, and when the 
newspaper men make their inquiries, we will tell the ‘truth,’ 
and also make an exhibit or two; see this?” And Mr. Duke 


106 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


drew out the can we had shortly before seen him fill with 
the offensive cheese, and removing the lid (juietly remarked 

to Mr. B : ‘“I shall label this exhibit number one, and 

if it becomes necessary to show it, you can rest assured it 
will be done. Now sir, we have stated our terms to you and 
wait to hear whether you accept them.” 

At first Mr. B , smarting under the attack made by 

Mr. Duke, was inclined to treat the matter in a high handed 
manner, but his father and brother seeing that we were 
evidently in earnest, restrained him, and after quietly re- 
questing us to leave the room, said they would talk the 
matter over and let us know more about it in the morning. 
“In the morning be hanged,” cried Mr. Duke, “we want 
supper to night; don’t you see we are starving?” 

Mrs. B rang the bell, and on the servant putting in 

an appearance, gave orders for another cheese to be put on 
the table of the assistants’ dining room. When we heard 
this we departed quietly enough, and made a second and 
more successful attempt to satisfy our hunger. Next day 
came and everybody was waiting for twelve o’clock to arrive, 
when it did, Mr. Duke went down into the kitchen to inves- 
tigate, and came back to inform us we were to be regaled 
upon substantial roast beef once more. 

But the incident leaked out, and whether or no it did any 
of them any injury, certain it is that from that day forth 
their trade fell off, and inside of three months, the two 
miserable curs who had treated us in such an outrageous 
manner, were given a chance themselves to find out what it 
was like to go hungry, for they were by that time both 
back again behind the counter. 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


107 


When Mr. Sansome had concluded and the applause which 
greeted him had died away, Mr. Lane rose to propose the 
health of the two gentlemen who had that evening contrib* 
uted so greatly to our entertainment; and may the time be 
not far distant when we would again be interested by listen- 
ing to more of the experiences of Mr. Johnson and Mr. 
Sansome. 

After this had been drank, Mr. Johnson once more pro- 
posed the health and success of our genial host, remarking 
that had it not been for him the company would neither 
have feasted on such good things, nor have been amused by 
the yarns ofiering such a contrast thereto. 

After this had been drank, the crowd dispersed, loudly 
singing, “ For he’s a jolly good fellow,” and went home ta 
bed to d reaps of roast turkey and “ boiled baby,” delicious 
salads and “ salt horse,” and many other things — calculated 
to eitbfer turn the stomach of a draper’s assistant or make his- 
moyith water — only to wake and find it .raining, and nothing 
fofr their breakfast but stale bread and butter, and weak tea. 


WJ\)y a C09d09 Draper pa$5<^d as ai; flmerieaQ 
Qitiz<^9. 


A few nights after the banquet I walked into the club 
room just in time to see the “American” rise to his feet in 
response to a call from the chairman. Without any cere- 
mony he began by saying: Gentlemen, you have just heard 
the chairman address me as the “ American,” and although 
I am an Englishman born a.ud bred, it is not without feel- 
ings of thankfulness that I remember an occasion when by 
passing as an “American” I'gotout of a most unenviable pre- 
dicament. If every gentleman will fill his glass and make 
himself comfortable, 1 will do my best to interest you with 
an account of the adventure I once had which induood me 
to temporarily become an “ American.” In my wanderings 
about the United States, I once found myself in Galvestcn, 
Texas. I was working in a store, as they call the shops 
there— and I may as well add that with the permission o'f 
the audience I will use American terms in relating this in- 
•cident — I was working in a store which ranked first in the' 
<;ity, but unlike the same class of houses in most cities of its 
■size, this one did not close at six o’clock, but kept open as 
long as there were any customers about. Sometimes it 
would be seven o’clock, sometimes eight, and frequently 
nine before we left the store; consequently, we could make 
no engagement for any exact time. Situated as t was 
without any relatives or friends to spend the evenings with 


UNVARNISIFED YARNS. 


109 


it was not unnatural for me to occasionally find myself seek- 
ing the comforts and amusements offered by the saloon and 
billiard-hall. Now one place above all others, by reason of 
its being made the headquarters of seafaring men — my 
father you will remember was a sea-captain himself— at- 
' tracted me, and many pleasant nights have I spent in the 
company of these gentlemen. The first thing they did on 
getting ashore, was to hunt up the “ Exchange” and take 
possession of all the billiard and pool tables in the house. 
And as most of you are unacquainted with American bil- 
liard and pool tables, I will briefly describe them. The 
pool tables are in every particular made the same as our 
English billiard tables, with one exception, that is they are 
only about one-half as large; the billiard tables are the 
same as those used in France, and they differ from the pool 
table by being constructed without pockets. 

One night I was sitting in the “Exchange” watching four 
sailors trying to play English billiards on a pool-table, while 
two young Americans were playing American billiards near 
by. To a stranger the latter game at first looks quite un- 
interesting, as they count nothing but “ caroms.” or as we 
call them “cannons,” the result is a game of fifty up, 
takes about three times as long to play as a game of 
the same number of points in English billiards; therefore, 
as I have said before, a stranger to the game is apt to grow 
tired ‘and lose interest in it before it is out. In the next 
chair to the one occupied by me, sat a gentleman evidently 
a stranger to the game, for every little while he would turn 
to me for some information respecting it. 

“ Why do they play with four balls?” he imiuired. 


110 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


“Oh, because they are not very expert, and to use only 
three would lessen their chances of rapid scoring,” I replied. 

Now, I was always on the lookout for fellow-countrymen, 
and after my neighbor had put a few more questions to me, 
I sized him up for an Englishman, and asked him if it were 
not the case? 

“ Yes; that is I was born in England, but for some twenty 
years past have lived in the West Indies, and having there 
made a fortune I am now on a tour through this country.” 

When we had become a little better acquainted I in- 
quired what business he had engaged in to make a fortune 
so quickly, for he was a man not over forty. 

“ Oh, the dry-goods, chiefly.” 

On hearing this I became quite interested in my chance 
acquaintance, and put several questions to him with a view 
of finding out what chance there was for a good man in such 
an out-of-the-way part of the world. 

“ So you are in the same line of business, are you?” 

“Yes, I am working for so and so.” 

“ Well, do you want to make a change?” he inquired. 
■“Because if you do, and do not want too big a salary, I like 
you and think I can give you a pretty good berth, as I intend 
to enlarge my establishment when I go back.” 

Tliis tickled me and I assured him nothing could give me 
greater pleasure than to accept his position if we could come 
to terms, and he could wait a little while for me, as I was 
under a six month’s contract with my present employers. 

Well, I can soon tell you if we can come to terms, if you 
will state what you expect to get. And as for waiting, I 
shall not be ready to receive you for at least another two 
months.” 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


Ill 


Well, I said, I am getting a salary of $75 a month at 
present, and of course would not make a change unless by 
SO doing I could better myself. 

“ Whew! $75 a month is a very large salary for a clerk to 
earn in the West Indies; but tell me” — as though a sudden 
thought had struck him — “ how much does it cost you to 
live here?” 

I told him $30 a month would about cover the cost of 
living. “Well!” said he, “ if I agree to give you $75 a 
month and guarantee to get you board and lodging far $15, 
you will be making a gain of $15 a month by the change, 
and I think you might safely call that “ bettering yourself;” 
and if these terms will suit you I’ll give you a position on 
the first of May.” 

I thanked him for his offer and asked to be allowed till 
next day to think it over. 

“ Certainly,” he replied. “ Meet me here about this time 
to-morrow evening, and if you conclude to try it, we will 
then make all the other arrangements necessary. What is 
your name?” 

“ Pole.” 

“ Mr. Pole, mine is Cambourne.” We then shook hands 
and parted. 

Next day I told one of the fellows in the same store Avith 
me, of the offer that had been made to me and asked him 
what he thought of it? 

“ Think of it? why I think you are the luckiest dog I know, 
and if your head’s level you will close with him at once. 
If 3mu don’t, for God’s sake introduce me to him and let me 
get a show; for nothing would please me more than a trip 
to the West Indies.” 


112 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


\\'^ell, to make a long story short, I finally concluded to 
accept Mr. Cambourne’s offer, and accordingly as soon as 
the store closed, hurried off to the Exchange. Passing 
through the bar — without taking a drink even — I entered 
the billiard hall, and the first man I saw was my prospec- 
tive employer. Pie saw me coming and rose to meet me 
with his hand extended which of course I took. Then we 
found a couple of seats in a quiet corner of the room and he 
at once ordered the drinks and came to the point. 

“ \V«11 Mr. Pole, have you considered my proposal?” 

“ Yes sir, and have decided to accept it, on condition that 
you pay my passage to the place you wish me to go.” 

“Whew!” he exclaimed; “ I don’t think I can promise 
that much.” 

“Well sir,” said I, “if you can’t, the whole matter must 
drop; for I tell you candidly, I have not as much money in 
the world as would be required.” 

Mr. Cambourne on hearing this, sat still a few minutes, 
and it was evident to me that he was thinking the matter 
over and trying to devise some means by which we could 
come to terms. As I watched him, I began to grow im- 
patient for him to speak, and when at length he did, I was 
rejoiced to find that he had thought of a way out of the 
difficulty; for now that I had set my heart on going, it 
would have been a great disappointment to me, to find such 
a thing impossible; therefore, I say, I was rejoiced when he 
said; “ Well! I’ll tell you what I’ll do; I will pay your ex- 
penses to Barbados, and afterwards deduct it from your 
salary at the rate of $30 per month. This is all I have to 
say in the matter; if it suits you all right; if it does not. 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 113 

why then I am very sorry, for it is the very best offer I can 
make you.” 

Knowing from the tone in which this had been said, it was 
intended as an ultimatum, and not wishing to lose such an 
opportunity as this to visit the island, I, after a few moments 
thought over the proposed terms, at last accepted. 

This being settled, he informed me that in order to reach 
Barbados by the first of May, it would be necessary for me 
to start from Galveston in the early part of April; for, he 
added. ‘'I intend to go by way of New York; the accom- 
modations offered by the steamships running from that port 
being superior to those of other vessels. So if you meet me 
in New York we will go down together. 

As he finished speaking, Mr. Cambourne drew out his 
pocket-book, and taking two intercolonial notes of £5 
each, therefrom, handed them to me, stating that this 
amount would pay my fare to New York, either by rail or 
by the Mallory line of steamships; then, adding he would 
write and let me know, where I could find him in New 
York, shook hands with me and before 1 could recover from 
my surprise he had gone. 

When I found myself in my room that night, I took out 
the notes he had given me and had another look at them; 
as I did so the thought struck me, what if they were bogus? 
for of course, I who had never before seen any, did not know 
a genuine one from a counterfeit. The more I thought of 
this, the more it worried me; then again the man had acted 
so oft-hand in the whole affair and treated the thing so 
carelessly, not even taking the trouble to look up my an- 
tecedents, that I began to think I had been fooled. But why 


8 


114 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


should I care? thought 1; I shan’t lose anything, for I 
still have my berth, and the firm does not know of any in- 
tention on my part to sever my connection. Somewhat re- 
assured by this thought, I got into bed and good notes or bad, 

I did not lose any sleep over them. 

Next day, while on my lunch hour, I w'ent round to the 
foreign exchange and made inquiries. On showing my notes 
and asking if they M'ere all O. K., I was relieved to hear 
that they were. 

“ Do you wish to exchange them for United States cur- 
rency?” 

“ No thank you;” for what would have been the use of my 
paying them a commission to do this, when by keeping them 
until I arrived in the West Indies, I could obtain full value 
for them? 

The time that had to pass between now and the end of 
March, hung like ages; and I began to grow impatient for 
the day to arrive when I could throw up my present berth 
and start on the way to my new one. 

About two weeks had elapsed since Mr. Cambourne had 
left Galveston; when one morning I was somewhat surprised 
to find a letter from him waiting for me. I'nervously tore 
it open, and the first thing I saw, was another lot of bank 
notes similar to those already in my possession; guessing 
something was up, I hastened to find out what it was, by 
reading the letter. I have it with me at the present time 
and can therefore give you the exact words: 

Grand Pacific Hotel, 1 
Chicago, III., March 10th, 18 — .( 

]\Ir. Pole — Dear Sir: Having just received a cablegram 
from Barbados informing me of an important matter, it 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


115 


becomes necessary for me to return home at once. I very 
much regret, we shall therefore be unable to make the trip 
together, as I had so much desired and as we had agreed to 
do. But it cannot be helped and we shall have to make the 
best of it by going alone. Enclosed you will find three £5 
notes, which together with the two I have already advanced 
you will make a total of £25 or about $125. I have in- 
quired about the rates from New York to Barbados and find 
that it will cost you $60 for a saloon passage, you will 
therefore have $15 to meet all expenses incidental to the 
voyage, which I sincerely trust will be in every respect a 
pleasant one. Respectfully Yours, 

William Cambourne. 

When I finished reading this letter, I folded it up and 
placed it with the bills in my pocket-book, and it was fortu- 
nate that I did so, as you will presently see if you listen 
carefully to the rest of my yarn. I was not at all annoyed 
at the turn things had taken; on the contrary, indeed, I was 
rather pleased that it was so, for now I would be left to do 
as I wished on the trip, but if Mr. Cambourne had been with 
me, I should, in a measure, have felt bound to do what he 
did; and as my tastes and inclinations differ in many respects 
from those of most people, I congratulated myself upon be- 
ing able to make the voyage alone, thereby avoiding 
any possibility of gaining the displeasure of my employer. 

The day set for my departure at last arrived, and winding 
up my affairs in Galveston, I jumped on board a Mallory 
line steamer and started for New York, where I was to take 
another steamship belonging to the United States and Brazil 
Mail Steamship Company. 


116 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


The trip from Galveston to New York was both tedious 
and uninteresting, nothing Avhatever happening to amuse 
the passengers; in fact, the last three days of the voyage 
were rendered all the more miserable on account of the death 
of a little child whose parents were on board. This death, 
coming as it did at such a time, only served to throw a still 
greater gloom and dullness over the entire ship, and I was 
devoutly thankful when 1 awoke one morning to find the 
vessel' tied up at her wharf in New York. 

Not waiting to have any breakfast, I hurried ashore and 
made my way to Brooklyn, from where the “ Advance” was 
to sail at noon of the same day, and promptly on time she 
fired her gun and we Avere off. Having got myself and 
things into some kind of shape, I started in to find out who 
and what my fellow passengers were, where they were going 
to and anything else. Only two besides myself were going 
to Barbados. These were an old gentleman and his son, who 
were interested in a sugar plantation. Several ladies and 
gentlemen, I found, were going to Rio de Janeiro, just for 
the trip or their health’s sake. One man was going to leave 
us at St, Thomas, Avhile two others were going to seek a 
fortune in Montevideo. Among the passengers and occupy- 
ing the same state room as myself, was a young man with a 
brown beard and mustache; chiefly remarkable for keeping 
his mouth shut, except at meal times, when he showed great 
activity in this direction. Never did I see him talking to a 
single person on the ship, and not even to myself who 
occupied the same berth with him, did he say a word until 
we had left Newport News, a place on the Virginia coast, 
remarkable for nothing, as yet, except a huge elevator, which 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


117 


the dusky inhabitants take great delight in telling you, upon 
every possible occasion, is the largest in the world. After 
we left this place, where we had put in to receive the late 
mails and complete our cargo. I made up my mind to 
sound my silent partner, and if possible find out something 
about him. Accordingly, next day after lunch I followed 
him into the state-room where he was in the habit of retiring 
to sleep or read until dinner time. Taking up a 
paper I pretended to read, but in reality was trying to think 
of something to say by which I could start a conversation. 
For two or three minutes I lay in my bunk engaged in this 
way, and was about to say something — what it was I don’t 
remember — when I was surprised to hear my partner ask 
me where I was bound for? 

“ Barbados. Where are you going?” 

“ Buenos Ayres,” he replied. 

“ What’s your business?” I asked. 

“ Doctor. What’s yours?” 

“ Dry-goods clerk.” 

“ What are you going to do in Barbados?” 

“ Follow my business.” 

“ Got a job? 

“ Yes. What are you going to do in Buenos Ayres?” 

“ Well, I’ll tell you. You see I am not a regular doctor, 
but make up all sorts of compounds and sell them on the 
streets; in short, I am a ‘gentleman fakir.’ Look here,” he 
cried, drawing a small trunk from under his bed, “see this,” 
and he held up an one ounce vial containing some black 
liquid. 

“ Yes, I see it; what is it?” 


118 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


“ Mostly tar,” he answered. Then pointing to his trunk, 
said, “ there are two hundred of these bottles there; and 
they cost me, with their contents, just three dollars, but I 
shall sell them for a hundred dollars.” 

I stared at him, and inquired what on earth he was going 
to take small bottles of tar to Buenos Ayres for? 

“ I am not going to take them to Buenos Ayres,” he re- 
plied. “ Oh, no! I don’t have to take them so far as that. 

I have other intentions, and if you will keep your mouth 
closed, I will disclose them to you.” 

I promised an oyster-like dumbness, and he began by 
saying: “ Don’t you know that a nigger would sell his soul 
to th« devil, if by so doing he could make his hair straight as 
yours? ” 

I confessed that T had known niggers to show a weakness 
for straight hair. 

“Well!” he said, “The stuff in these bottles will 
take every bit of kink right out of their heads, and ” 

But, I interrupted “ If it is chiefly tar, won’t it take the 
hair out of their heads?” 

“That’s what I said; ain’t it?” queried the Yankee. 
“ How could it take every kink clean out of their heads, 
without taking the hair out? ” “ Ain’t a nigger’s hair all 

kinks? ” he laughingly said. 

“ But surely you wouldn’t sell the poor devils such stuff as 
this it would be a crime.” 

“ Oh no, it won’t be a crime unless I am caught, and you 
can bet your life I won’t be caught. Oh, no! not* much.” 
This cool way of putting it made me smile in spite of my 
conscientious scruples and I felt almost ashamed for display- 
ing them and told him to go on. 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


119 


“ When we get to St, Thomas, we shall put in to coalj and 
will probably be there five or six hours; now my scheme is 
this, as soon as we arrive, I shall go ashore and find the best 
corner in town; then I shall get a nigger boy with his hair as 
long as possible, give him a quarter, and tell him what I 
want him to do, which will be to stand upon a dry goods 
box and hold my bottles, whilst I take the kinks out of his 
hair. At this the African will show his teeth and go through 
several other performances indicating his great joy. As soon 
as I begin to talk the crowd will come around and nearly 
everyone in it will be a nigger, and when they see me 
straighten out that boy’s hair, they will “just throw” their 
two Kroner pieces at me for all they are worth, and I ex- 
pect to sell out my entire stock in fifteen minutes. Now the 
reason I am keeping myself so much in here, is, that if I 
mixed with the other passengers they might get onto my 
racket; hello! is that a ship we are passing? ” he exclaimed. 
I turned my head to look through the light but could see 
nothing; When I turned around again, I started violently; 
for instead of finding my partner in his bunk, another man 
entirely, sat there grinning at me. “ You don’t know me? ” 
“ That is good.” “ Do you know me now? ” and as he spoke 
he put on his whiskers and mustache again; which, until 
this very moment I had never discovered to be f dse. Then 
he quietly remarked, “these things are necessary some- 
times when a fellow goes into the ‘ kink removing business.’ ” 
From that on we were the best of friends, but no other 
person on the vessel ever got an idea of it; for at meal times 
the grave young man with the brown whiskers and mus- 
tache, as was usual with him, spoke never a word either to 


120 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


me or anyone else. My traveling companion, now that I 
knew his secret, used to sleep with his “whiskers on a nail” 
instead of on his face; and precious glad he was to be able 
to make the change. 

One evening after dinner I was pacing the deck in con- 
versation with the second officer, and trying to discover the 
southern cross. After I had traced it out, the officer told me 
that they expected to sight the island of St. Thomas early 
next morning, and would probably make the port about 
noon. Now, knowing of my companion’s scheme I hastened 
off to find him and inform him of our nearness to the place 
where he expected to dispose of his “ kink .remover.” I 
found him as usual lying in his bunk, smoking a cigar and 
reading an old newspaper. But when I informed him of 
what the officer had stated to me, he immediately sprang 
out of his berth and began to remove the bottles from his 
trunk and pack them in a small leather satchel. After this 
was completed to his satisfaction, he lit another cigar, and I 
lit my pipe, and we then lay down in our bunks until the 
weed had been consumed and a few yarns exchanged, when 
we turned our faces to the ocean and went to sleep. Next 
morning as I lay awake in my narrow bed, watching the 
sun rise and wondering if my new berth would turn out as 
well as expected, I was suddenly startled by the sound of 
many shouts and much scampering of feet overhead. I 
raised myself upon my elbow and listened for any further 
sounds; and my partner, who had been awakened by the 
noise, mechanically reached out for his beard, and in a 
second had it on, but not until then did he venture to in- 
quire of me the cause of the disturbance. I was about to 


UNVARNISPIED YARNS. 


121 


tell him I did not know, but before I could do so we heard 
the welcome cry of: “Land!” “Land!” echoing through 
the saloon, dowm the passages and through every nook and 
corner of the great fabric. 

“ Thank God for that,” remarked my friend, looking at 
his watch, “ and, as it is only a little after five o’clock I am 
going to take another nap,” and off came his “hirsute adorn- 
ment” to find another resting place on the nail. Finding 
nothing better to do I also, after closing the deadlight to 
keep the rays of the rising sun out, covered myself up and 
sank again into sweet oblivion. No one can tell how long we 
would have slept had it not been for one of the stewards 
knocking on the stateroom door and shouting out if we 
wanted any breakfast to get up at once, it’s half past nine. 

Of course we wanted some breakfast we had paid for it, 
and might just as well eat it; so springing out of bed, we 
hastily dressed ourselves and made our way to the saloon. 

When we, arrived there, everyone was in that state of 
great excitement usual on board a big steamship when land 
has been sightest for the first time. Many had swallowed a 
cup of coffee: and grabbing a roll or a piece of bread, 
rushed upon deck to gaze at the distant island; but what- 
ever they could find in it of sufficient interest — for at this 
time, it appeared to be nothing but a large rock rising upon 
the horizon — to take them so soon away from the very sub- 
stantial meal prepared for us, I am at a loss to know; but 
I am willing to bet anything that not one of them had ever 
been a draper’s assistant, for they never allow any chance to 
hide good “body-lining” to pass unheeded. 

By eleven o’clock we could see the graceful white houses 


122 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


as they rose one row above the other in interesting terraces, 
and, rushing along, as we were, at a speed of thirteen hnots, 
we could plainly see that the second officer, when he had 
told us of the time we might expect to arrive, had not been 
very far out of his reckoning, and so it proved, for exactly 
at noon the engines were stopped, the screw given a rest, and 
the “Advance” dropped her anchor in the beautiful harbor 
of St, Thomas. No sooner had she come to rest than the 
doctor’s steam launch came alongside, and in less time than 
it takes to tell, we w'ere surrounded by boats, the dusky 
occupants of which kept up a perpetual din in their en- 
deavors to secure the patronage of those wishing to go ashore, 
for you see we were anchored nearly a mile from the wharf. 
One old negro was particularly interesting, his hair, which 
he used as his chief advertisement, was very long and almost 
as white as snow. 

“Want to go ashore, ladies and gentlemen?” “ I’ll row 
you ashor§ ladies and gentlemen,” “ Real hair, ladies and 
gentlemen.” “ Oldest man on the island, ladies and gentle- 
men; born here ninety-five years ago, ladies and gentle- 
men.” “ Row you ashore in ten minutes, ladies and gentle- 
men.” “ Strong arms, ladies and gentlemen.” “ Show you 
round the island in good style, ladies and gentlemen.” 

This ancient nigger would probably have gone on telling 
the “ladies and gentlemen” what he could do for them, for 
another hour or so, had not a gentleman asked him: 

“How much will you take me ashore for?” 

“ Five shillings, sir,” he replied. 

“ I’ll give you a bob,” exclaimed the passenger. 

He had evidently been to St. Thomas before and knew the 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


12a 


natives, for his offer was at once accepted by the “ study in 
black and white.” A start having thus been made and the 
price for landing settled upon, there was a great rush among 
the passengers wishing to see the island to secure seats, and 
the other boatmen, taking advantage of this circumstance, 
drew alongside, and in a very few moments at least a dozen 
boat loads had started for the shore. 

While all this had been taking place on the starboard 
side of the vessel, my friend the Doctor had quietly gone 
over to the port-side, and hailing a boatman, handed him 
his satchel and told him that if he got ashore first he would 
give him a dollar. This the darky promised to do, and he 
accomplished it easy enough, for while the crowd were laugh- 
ing at the white-haired descendent of Ham, the Doctor got 
a start of several minutes. How and where he managed to 
remove his whiskers, I do not know, but certain it was after 
getting ashore. I soon run across him standing on a box, 
with his clean shaven face wearing a smile, and a little 
negro boy holding his satchel of bottles. Already a curious 
and lazy crowd of loafing niggers were gathered about him. 
Curious to see what he would do and how he would do it, I 
fell off from the crowd that had left the “ Advance” to in- 
spect the island, and took a seat in the doorway of a 
neighboring ice-house commanding a good view of the pro- 
ceedings. In a very few moments a tremendous crowd of 
niggers, both men and women, swarmed about the Doctor, 
who was now busily engaged annointing the head of his in- 
nocent victim. As I thought how soon that grin of delight 
upon the poor, little wretch’s face would be changed for a 
howl of pain and rage, I felt sorry for him, but still I could 
not repress a smile. 


124 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


Presently the “ gentleman fakir,” who had by this time 
rubbed the rubbish well into the youthful African’s hair, 
began to spout: “Ladies and gentlemen,” I heard him say, 

“ I hold here in my had the greatest discovery of the age, 
and one calculated to become a boon atid blessing to the 
civilized world of colored people. It is known as ‘Cetewayo’s 
Kink Remover,” and has been in use by that great king and 
warrior; also, by his many beautiful wives, for many years 
past. It never fails to straighten the hair of any negro; 
rendering it as soft and pliable as that of the fairest woman 
in this world. If you will watch me for a few moments I 
will show you how this wonderful dressing acts upon the 
hair of this boy, who I think must be known to everyone in 
my audience.” 

As he finished speaking the “ Doctor” worked the stuff a 
little more into the lads hair; then taking the longest curl 
he could find, the smiling fakir drew it slowly through his 
fingers, amid the frantic shouts of his delighted audience, 
who by this time had got themselves worked up to a great 
pitch of excitement, and were already loudly inquiring the 
price of the famous “ Cetewayo’s Kink Remover.” With a 
confident smile the wary “ Doctor” put out his hand and 
told them to keep quiet and not part with their money until 
they had seen all that it would do for them. Then he took 
a small brush and comb from his pocket, and in a few 
seconds had fixed that kid’s wool so straight that no one 
would have believed it had been full of kinks ten minutes 
before. 

As the “Doctor” had told me they would, the excited mob 
fairly rushed upon him in their endeavor to get a bottle of 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


125 


the precious liquid. Strong men elbowed their way to the 
stand, holding the price of the coveted article high above 
their heads. Little men wriggled themselves to the front 
and pressed their cohis upon the delighted fakir, who as- 
sured them that there was enough for all. “ Don’t push, 
gentlemen, you will all get some if you will only take your 
time.” The women stood to one side, loudly calling upon 
their husbands and friends to procure them a bottle as well. 

In all my life I never saw such a ready willingness on the 
part of any one to get rid of their money, and in less than 
ten minutes the “fakir” had sold out his entire stock, and 
the happy possessors rushed off to their homes to try the 
effect. Many who had too far to go, or had not the patience 
to wait until they got home, began to pour the liquid on 
their heads even where they stood. 

In the excitement which ensued the “ Doctor” sneaked off 
somewhere to adjust his beard; and having accomplished 
this without any one observing him, he soon, much to my 
srprise at his hardihood, joined me at the ice-house. 

Aren’t you afraid to be seen hanging about?” I inquired. 

“Afraid!” he repeated, “ what have I to be afraid of? ” 

“ Why, when those poor devils find out how they have been 
robbed and injured, they will grow furious, and if they 
ever lay hands upon you, I pity you. 

“ Well! you see, ‘those poor devils,’ as you call ’em, 
won’t find out how they have been robbed and injured for 
four hours and by that time we shall have left the port.” 

“ I hope for your sake it will be so,” I remarked, and then 
the matter dropped and we devoted ourselves to cooling 
drinks and cigars. After we had been sitting in the ice- 


.126 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


house for half an hour or so, a negro entered, and catching 
sight of us, asked if we had come on the same boat as the 

White Doctor?'’ 

I dared not trust myself to answer, but left my com- 
panion to do so himself. We came on the “ Advance ” if 
that is the ship you mean? But we did not know any doctor 
that came oh her except the regular ship’s surgeon. When 
the darky heard this, he hid his teeth behind his massive 
lips, and his face at once assumed the elongated proportions 
of 'a fiddle. Observing this sudden change in his features, 
the “ faker ” asked the cause of it. 

“ Why you see, sir,” began the darky in reply; “ I bought 
a bottle of his “ kink remover ” and took it home, and put it 
on my hair, and you see what it has done for me; my hair 
was as kinky as that niggers over there, this morning; now 
look at it. We looked, and sure enough it was as straight 
as mine. 

“ Well, that’s nothing to be worried about, is it?” cried 
the ‘‘Doctor.” 

“ Oh, no sir! ” he replied; again allowing his teeth to ap- 
pear; “ that ain’t anything to be sorry for, only jny wife said: 
that if I don’t get another bottle she won’t live with me; 
that would be something to be sorry for I can tell you;” and 
once more the teeth disappeared; 

We allowed there was some little truth in his last re- 
mark, but could do nothing for him except advise him to 
find a fellow with a willingness to part with his bottle, and 
thereby prevent his conjugal bliss from being shattered. 

When the wretched nigger had left us, my companiou gave 
me the wink and said: “ Poor devil, I almost pity him my- 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 127 

self; but wait a little while and he’ll jiity himself a darned 
sight worse than I do.” 

Although this remark was cruel in the extreme, I was 
provoked to laughter at the cool and unconcerned manner in 
which the Yankee had made it. Just as the “ Doctor” had 
ordered more drinks and cigars, we heard a tremendous 
shouting in the street. “What the devil is the matter?” cried 
the “fakir,” starting to the door in evident alarm, for neither 
of us were able to tell whether it was a “ hurrah” or a “yell 
of rage” that went up from the crowd. I followed my 
friend to the door, and from there I saw; marching down the 
principal street of the island, a long procession of niggers, 
every ooe of them were carrying their hats in their hands 
shouting three cheers for the “ White Doctor,” and then 
came another yell similar to the one which had a few 
moments before startled my companion. The “ Doctor,” 
much relieved by this exhibition of joy from his late 
customers, fairly shook with laughter at the mob, who halted 
on reaching the ice-house, which was made the headquarters 
of all the white population. Here, supposing no doubt to 
find the “Doctor,” cheer after cheer was sent up by the 
happy and excited nigggers, many of whom were already 
looking with disdain upon those of their color who had not 
been fortunate enough to obtain a bottle of the precious 
liquid. This din was kept up for about half an hour, and 
then the straight-haired negroes moved on to pay a visit to 
the next ice-house. As I stood in the doorway watching 
the retreating crowd, my attention was attracted by the boy 
upon whose head my traveling companion had so success- 
fully operated. Suddenly falling behind the parade, he 


123 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


snatched off his hat and carefully felt his head. Perhaps, 
thought I, he is afraid of the kinks so recently transformed 
into shining straight hair regaining their original curl, and 
was feeling to assure himself that such was not the case. 
Whatever the thoughts running through his soon to be 
painful head, I do no know, but he had not gone a dozen 
yards after replacing his hat, when off it came again and 
the same amount of careful feeling administered to his head. 
Dispelling my former thoughts of any fear he might have 
had for the continuance of his newly found straightness of 
hair. I now saw what the real matter was, and ivhispered 
to my friend to take a look at the kid, who, until now had 
been unobserved by the “Doctor.” 

When he did so, he cried: “ Let us get aboard at once, 
the darned stuff is getting its work in before I expected, and 
in an hour at the most that mob will be howling with pain 
and rage instead of pride and joy.” 

We lost no time in hiring a boatman to take us back to 
the “ Advance,” and, arriving there the “ Doctor” immedi- 
ately went below, and I remained on deck to watch the un- 
fortunate negresses loading the huge bunkers with coal, 
which they carried on their heads without touching it in 
anyway whatever with their hands. On making some in- 
quiries I learned that these miserable wretches received but 
a half-penny per basket for all they carried from the float- 
ing wharf, down a gang-plank to the ship’s side; and as they 
could not possibly have made more than two trips in five 
minutes, you can imagine the scanty compensation they 
received for their labor. At length, growing tired of watch- 
ing the half-naked lot of women, I went to look after my 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


129 


companion. As soon as I entered the berth he asked me if 
they were coming? 

I told him I had seen no signs of them so far, and he 
breathed a sigh of relief. “ I hope to God we get off before 
they find it out. Not but what I am safe enough in my dis- 
guise, but I don’t want to see any trouble over the business.” 

Another hour went by and the passengers who had gone 
ashore, had now all returned, and the chief — I might say — 
the only topic discussed by them was the straight-haired 
niggers they had just left on the island. 

In a short while the coal bunkers were full and the 
officers were giving their orders to the crew, to make the 
necessary preparations for leaving the port, when we were 
suddenly startled by a terrific yell coming from the shore. 
I guessed at once what it meant and so did the “ Doctor” who 
stood at my side, when he found we were so soon to start; 
but the rest of the passengers mistook it for a parting cheer, 
given in honor of the white doctor who had brought such 
great happiness to their island. The yell had no sooner 
died away, however, before we saw the crowd of colored peo- 
ple rush down to the water’s edge and make for the boats 
moored along side. We saw some jump into these, while 
others began to shovel stones from piles along the wharf into 
them; but none except the fakir and myself could define the 
true cause of this mysterious proceeding. Never in my life 
did I see men row like these infuriated negroes; some had 
one oar and some two; but that made no difference; on and 
on they came, every stroke of their stout and dark arms 
bringing them nearer to the ship. 

As they drew close enough for us to be able to distinguish 


g 


130 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


what they were saying, we heard such cries as “ kill the 

d Yank!” “ cut his heart out!” “burn him!” “sink 

the ship!” and many other direful exclamations. Now it was I 
was given a chance to witness the cast-iron nerve of my 
companion; for during all these shouts he had stood by my 
side quietly smoking a cigar, and every little while cracking 
a joke at some poor nigger who in his frantic efforts to out- 
row his fellow citizens, would frequently catch a crab. 

The captain not having heard anything of the incident, 
was somewhat surprised to see the rapidly advancing fleet, 
and called an officer to give him some explanation of the 
affair. The officer however knew no more than the captain 
and said so. But before he could question a bystander the 
boats had reached the ship’s side and their dusky and mad- 
dened occupants with one voice demanded the “ Doctor ” who 
had sold them the “ kink remover.” 

“ Look here,” they shouted, removing their hats — those of 
them who still had them on — “ look at our hair, look at it;” 
as they spoke many of them put their hands to their heads, 
and taking hold of a handful of hair, they pulled it clean 
away from their painful pates, leaving the scalp as bare as 
the soles of their feet. “ Captain! ” they cried to that gentle- 
man who was gazing at this performance from the bridge; 
“ Give us that d ‘ Yank ’ or we will sink your ship,” 

Nearly everybody now became more or less excited, and 
the coolest man on the ship was the one who had served 
them the trick and was the means of causing all the trouble. 
One ortwo very ugly maiden ladies fainted, or pretended to; no 
doubt feeling sure of having a man’s arm around their waist 
for once in their lives if they did so, and stewards and 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


131 


waiters were kept busy bringing restoratives. While the 
spinsters were regaining consciousness, the captain almost 
burning with rage, demanded of the niggers “what they meant 
by such threats?” 

“ What do we mean?” exclaimed one of them. “Why this 
is what we mean, look at my head; look at all of our heads; 
in a few minutes we won’t one of us have any hair at all. 

This d ‘Yank’ came ashore this afternoon and calling 

himself a ‘ doctor ’ sold us some stuff to take the kinks out 
of our hair and this is what it has done, and we want to 
take revenge on him so hand him over.” The captain on 
hearing the man’s story allowed his wrath to be changed 
for indignation, and sending for the purser inquired of him 
if any doctor had come on the vessel? 

“ Only Mr. Fees, the ship’s surgeon sir?” 

“ Are you sure? ” 

“ Quite certain sir.” 

“ Then let the man come aboard and see if he can pick out 
the scoundrel who served them the shameful trick.” On be- 
ing granted this permission, the nigger who had acted as 
spokesman, lost no time in getting on deck to begin his 
search. Slowly he walked around looking every man in 
the face, but of course none could he find in the least re- 
sembling the “ fakir ” who had sold them “ Cetewayo’s 
Kink Remover.” 

“ He ain’t among these captain, and I expect he has hidden 
himself somewhere below.” The captain then gave orders 
to the purser to call the passenger’s names from the ship’s 
book, and told every man to answer when he heard his 
name mentioned. This was accordingly done; but no name 
sounded without a response being made to it. 


132 


UNVAKNISHED YARNS. 


The captain, evidently satisfied in his own mind that the 
niggers had been mistaken in supposing the man who had 
sold them the ‘‘kink remover’’ had come to the island on his 
vessel, at once ordered the unsuccessful nigger to leave the 
ship. The other negroes growing furious at finding their 
leader thus summarily dismissed, again began to call loudly 
for the d ‘‘Yank.” Still further provoked by the de- 

risive laughter with which their demand was received, a 
w’oman — who had really possessed a fine head of hair for a 
negress — hurled a huge stone at the second officer, who was 
leaning over the gunwale with a look of great amusement on 
his face, fortunately, however, it missed him and fell into 
the sea on the other side of the ship. Although no damage 
had been done this act was the means of opening up 
hostilities, and the howling mob having at last found a 
leader, and that a woman, lost no time in following her ex- 
ample, for no sooner had the stone left her hand than a 
dozen or more were simultaneously thrown on deck. Find- 
ing things were likely to grow serious, the captain gave 
orders for the ship to be at once started; and much to our 
relief we soon heard the screw lashing the waters of the bay 
into a fury, but it was nothing to be compared with the fury 
of the frenzied mob of niggers. For several hundred yards 
many of the boats followed us, and those of their occupants 
who were not engaged in rowing, kept up a perfect fusilade 
of stones, but fortunately none of them did any harm be- 
yond the breaking of a few lights. Weary with their futile 
efforts and finding we were rapidly getting beyond range, 
they at length abandoned the chase and returned to the 
island, there to mourn the loss of their wool, with their 
moulting companions. 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


133 


The incident, of course, formed the chief subject of con- 
versation for the next tvo days, when I was overjoyed to 
find that we were nearing my destination. Night, however, 
came on before we got near enough to gather any idea of its 
appearance by daylight, and not before twelve o'clock did 
we enter the harbor and drop our anchor. 

It was only the work of a very few minutes to transfer the 
mails and baggage to the two boats that had long been wait- 
ing our arrival. 

As in St. Thomas these boats were manned by negroes, 
who did their work with the usual amount of noise and con- 
fusion. None of us could possibly tell who had charge of 
the job; every man seemed to take the command in turns. 
Now a little fellow in a white duck suit would do all the 
bossing; then a big black fellow wearing nothing but an old 
pair of pants and a coarse sack with holes cut for his head 
and arms, would do the swearing. And so it went on, one 
would tell us three unlucky whites to sit in the stern, and 
no sooner had we crawled there when another would turn 
us out and say the stern was always reserved for the mails. 
We found another seat forward, and then the big black fel- 
low told us we had no business in that boat at all as it was 
going to take the mails and baggage ashore. Finally we 
were settled and the boat with our trunks and the mails 
aboard pulled off from our side in the direction of the cus- 
tom-house, and we soon landed on the wharf. 

When we did so I really expected our time had come, for 
as soon as our feet had fairly touched terra firma a whole 
army of niggers swooped down upon us and did not hesitate 
to take hold of us. We were grabbed from behind, yanked 


134 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


forward, pushed sideways, lifted off our feet, and the deuce 
knows what all. 

From the nature of their wild shouts we gathered they 
were what are known to the traveling world as “hotel touts.” 
Not the kind of “ tout” you find at our fashionable watering 
places, who politely hand you a card, and then does not care 
if he ever sees you again or not, but a real live, energetic 
tout who would carry you to the hotel on his back, rather 
than see you go off with one of his rivals. 

“ Come with me, gentlemen, to the best hotel on the 
island,” cried one. 

“ Don’t you do it gentlemen, it ain’t a hotel at all he 
wants to take you to; mine is the only hotel on the island 
fit for you, gentlemen, to go to.” 

I don’t know what would have become of us, where we 
would have gone to, or in what condition we would have 
gone in, had it not been for the arrival upon the scene of a 
policeman. As the officer approached, the gang of touts 
instantly let go their hold upon us and spoke in lower and 
more respectful tones. 

“ Now then, what do all you men want here?” And turn- 
ing to look at their faces, pointed them out one by one, and 
said; “ You can go, and you, and you, and you,” and so on 
until but two of them remained. “ Gentlemen,” said the 
policemen, “ it’s very late and you had better go with this 
man to the Albion, it is close by, and a first-class hotel; and 
you. Brown, can go.” Brown, who was the defeated “tout,” 
without a word of dissent thereupon walked off. 

Tired as we were, we were glad to go anywhere to get a 
bed and some sleep; accordingly we started off with the vie- 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


135 


torious runner and in two minutes reached the “ Albion,” and 
after a few hasty preparations had been made we went off 
to bed. 

Next morning I got up and went out to look about the 
town, and get some idea of the place I had come to. It did 
not take me long to make an entire circle of the business 
portion and I had no difficulty in finding the house for which 
I had been engaged. Now I noticed that all other stores 
were open, and doing a brisk trade, — although it was not yet 
eight o’clock — but Cambournes was still closed. This struck 
me very favorably for I at once supposed that being the first 
class establishment of the place they did not open so early 
as the lower class houses. 

Greatly pleased with my first impressions of the island, I 
returned to the hotel for breakfast, after which I set out 
again to report for business. When I reached the store how- 
ever, I was surprised to find it still closed up and the blinds 
still down. Seeing an old man sitting in the shade of the 
doorway reading a paper, I approached him and inquired 
what time the store would open? 

“What store?” 

“ Cambourne’s.” 

“ Cambourne’s!” he cried, “ Why Cambourne’s won’t open 
for quite a while, I reckon.” 

“ Why not? ” 

“ Why haven’t you heard yet? ” 

I assured him I had heard nothing, having only reached 
the Island last night at twelve o’clock, 

“ Oh!” he said, “you came on the ‘Advance ’ did you?” 
“Well then of course you don’t know much about the affairs 


136 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


of this place yet. Sit down and I’ll tell you something; 
but first of all tell me what brought you to Barbados? ” 

I replied that I had met Mr. Cambourne in the United 
States some two months before, and he had offered me a 
position in his store, which I had come to fill. 

“ I am sorry for you, for neither you nor anyone else will 
ever take a position in a store of Mr. Cambourne’s.” 

“ Why not? ” 

“ Why not? Because he ain’t got any store; that’s why.” 

“ But, who owns this place here? I see Cambourne’s name 
still over the door.” 

“ Never mind what you see, young man, the British Gov- 
ernment owns that store, and everything in it.” 

Fearing that some calamity was about to befall me, I 
hastened to inquire what the old man meant by all this wild 
talk. 

“ I mean this,” he replied in measured tones, “ William 
Cambourne has been arrested for forgery, and taken to 
England for trial. Now, is there anything else you want to 
know? ” 

Now, I am not in the habit of allowing myself to be sur- 
prised, but I must confess that when I heard this, you could 
have knocked me down with a feather, for I immediately 
guessed wdiat he had forged. 

My conjectures were confirmed when in answer to an in- 
quiry from me, the old man said: “He had been caught forging 
inter-colonial bank-notes; and, in addition to this crime, an 
illicit whiskey still run by him had since been discovered; 
so your chances of ever working for Mr. Cambourne are very 
slim indeed, for if I know anything of British law and 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


137 


justice, he will not be able to return to this island for at least 
fourteen years. Good morning,” and before I could put 
another question to him the old man had left me. 

A nice predicament I now found myself in. Here I was, 
several thousand miles away from home, and only a few 
dollars in my possession; for of course the notes given to me 
by Camboune-were part of the forged ones. Under the ex- 
isting circumstances, I concluded the “ Albion ” was a trifle 
finer hotel than was actually necessary, and I at once pro- 
ceeded to that caravansary and settled my account. 

This accomplished, the thought dawned upon me that as 
I had not come to the island for my health, it would be a 
good thing for the retention of that blessing, if I went to 
work and earned some genuine notes wherewith to defray the 
expenses incident to the possession of a large appetite. Ac- 
cordingly the first house I saw engaged in our line of busi- 
ness, I entered and offered myself as a candidate for any 
vacancy they had. But they did not have a vacancy, the 
manager told me, and even if they had, it would have been 
impossible to have allowed me to fill it, “ For,” said he, “we 
make it a rule to engage all our assistants at home, in 
England, and bring them out here on a three year’s engage- 
ment. He was very sorry for me, but even under the very 
extraordinary circumstances of my case, he could not break 
the regulation.” The next I struck informed me that they 
already had too many salesmen, and as soon as the sugar 
crop was in they would dispense with the services of at least 
twenty of their assistants. 

Four other houses offered no better chance of success, and 
now only two remained for me to apply at. These two I had 


138 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


left till last, owing to the fact that when I had looked into 
them, I found at least halt the employes were “ decided bru- 
nettes,’’ and, as was natural, I had no particular desire to 
work alongside these “ swarthy fellows,” if I could possibly 
avoid it. But, having been unsuccessful in my efforts tO' 
obtain employment in any store where these fellows were not 
engaged, and with the skeleton of my exchequer dancing 
before my eyes, it would have been folly on my part if I had 
stood on the color line. So into the best looking store of the 
two I sailed. 

“Yes, we can put you to work at once,” replied the en- 
gager, in answer to my inquiry. “ How much do you want?”" 

“ Well, how do you pay in this place, in ‘ dollars’ or 
‘ pounds?’ ” 

“ Both.” 

“ Well, then, as I have been used to dollars for some years- 
past, suppose you start me on seventy-five a month!” 

“ Seventy-five grandmothers,” cried the engager; “do you 
know where you are?” 

“ Yes, unfortunately, I have a most decided knowledge of 
where I am.” 

“ Well, then why do you come in here and ask for three 
men’s salaries? ” 

“ Three men’s salaries? ” 

“Yes! Three men’s salaries. Do you see all these men?' 
Well, some of them only get fifteen dollars a month, and the 
highest paid to any is but forty dollars.” 

“ But they are mostly negroes,” I remarked sententiously. 

“ I know they are, and to tell you the truth, I prefer them 
to the whites. I’ll tell you why. You see out of a popula- 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


139 


tion of a hundred and fifty thousand at least a hundred 
thousand are colored, and it is only what one would expect 
to see them bestowing the most of their patronage upon their 
own race. The consequence is one of these colored men will 
often take double the amount of money a really good white 
man does, and therefore you will understand why I give 
them the preference.” 

“Well, sir, can’t you make me an offer of some kind?” 

“ Yes, certainly. I’ll give you the average salary paid to 
these men, twenty-five dollars a month.” 

“You will do nothing of the kind,” I cried with great 
vigor, and the next minute was out of the ‘ nigger den.’ 

Taking the experience met with in this store as an exam- 
ple of what the other would be, I did not venture into it, and 
Concluded to postpone my further efforts to obtain employ- 
ment until the next day. 

This decided, I went round to the custom house and got 
my trunk passed; and the officer making the examination 
inquired what had brought me to the island. After hearing 
my story, he advised me to go and see the Secretary of the 
Colony, “For,” says he, “you will never be able to procure 
a position in this place worth having.” 

I thanked him-for his advice, and promised to act upon 
it, and there and then inquired where the Secretary could 
be found. He very kindly offered to show me the way, and 
locking the door of his office, we at once set out. 

We shortly found ourselves in Trafalgar square; and 
when I saw Nelson’s monument it brought recollections of 
“the Trafalgar square” to my mind; and, oh! how thankful 
would I have been if I could have closed my eyes and 


140 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


opened them to see the grand old column, guarded by its 
noble lions, here in our own London. After pointing out the 
door leading to the secretary’s office, my friend — I call him 
friend, and before I wdshed him good-bye, I had some cause 
to regard him as one — left me, telling me to be sure and let 
him know how I got on. In I walked and asked to see the 
secretary; and for my pains received w^hat I supposed w^as 
intended to be a withering look of contempt from a milk and 
w'ater-looking sop, who insolently asked me what on earth I 
wanted with the “secwetaway?” Somewhat nettled by such 
treatment, and finding nothing in my appearance to warrant 
it, I replied that my business with him was of a private na- 
ture, and if he would have the kindness to show me to him, 
I should feel obliged. 

“ Doubtless your business is of a ‘ private chawactaw,’ ” 
drawled the insipid idiot, ‘‘ but so many have annoyed the 
^ secwetaway’ of late with business of a ‘pwivate’ nature, that 
he has given me ‘instwuctions’ to keep him from disturb- 
ance until I am sure.” 

I felt as though I wmuld like to pay a fine of ten dollars, 
and wipe up the office floor with the carcass of this simper- 
ing monkey; but even as I meditated this, I happened to 
put my hand into my pocket, and the touch of the “ little 
all” I possessed, compelled me to content myself by mentally 
cursing the infernal idiot 

These are the sort of fellows that bring down ridicule on 
the Englishman all over the civilized world; for go where 
you will, you will be sure to meet with some of this class. I 
have seen them in America, Australia, India, Africa and 
many other places. They get an idea into their addled 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


141 


pates, that if they should articulate the English language as 
they find the masses speaking it, they would at once be set 
down as an American, Canadian, Australian, or native of 
whatever country they happen to be in. Such “snobs” as 
these are not. in my opinion “Englishmen,” but “English 
THINGS,” and the sooner they attain their senses and speak 
naturally, instead of drawling out what they have to say, and 
show as much respect for the letter R, as they do for the 
letter W, the better for themselves and their fellow-country- 
men. Beggars can’t be choosers, however, so swallowing my 
wrath and indignation, I told him how I had been induced 
to visit Barbados; also of my almost penniless condition, 
and wound up by informing him that I had been advised to 
see the secretary, who, perhaps, could do something for me. 

When I finished speaking, the little fool stuck a pane of 
glass in his eye, and drawled out: “Oh, I could not think 
of ‘ cauwaying’ such a tale as that to the ‘secwetaway,’ it is 
‘pewfectly widiculous,’ besides,” he added, with an im- 
pudent stare through his miniature window, “ I don’t think 
you are an Englishman; you don’t look like one or speak 
like one.” 

Smarting with rage under this deliberate insult, I could 
keep my mouth shut no longer. “Well,” I cried hotly, “if 
every man, in order to be an 'Englishman, has to look and 
speak as you do, I should feel sorry for the race; but 
fortunately they do not.’’ 

“ Be ‘ vewy’ careful what you say, sir; we don’t allow any 
insolence here; ‘wemember’ this is a government building 
and I am employed by the ‘Bwitish’ government, and ” 

But I did not wait to hear what else the little “jack- 


142 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


anapes” had to say, but catching sight of a door on the other 
,side of the room, ' advanced toward it and, turning the 
handle, was about to enter, when I heard a loud voice com- 
manding me to stop. Turning round I saw a gentleman 
who had just entered the office, with his hat still on. The 
“ monkey” immediately left the chair he had been “ half 
filling” and perched himself upon a stool, where he be- 
longed. “ What is your business here,” inquired the new 
arrival, and as he spoke he seated himself in the chair just 
vacated by the “ idiot.” 

Once more I went over the whole story of having been en- 
gaged two month’s before by Mr. Cambourne, and had only 
just that morning learned of his arrest; and being unable to 
find any employment in the other stores,! deemed it useless 
to stay on the island any longer, and had, therefore, called 
to see if I could obtain any help from this office by which I 
could return either to England or the United States. 

“ I am afraid we can do nothing for you,” replied the 
assistant. “You see this is not a crown colony, and the 
secretary is not authorized to act in cases of this kind. But, 
perhaps I can assist you to procure a cheap passage to 
England. How much money have you?” 

I replied that ten dollars would cover all I had in the 
world, excepting the notes given to me by Mr. Cambourne, 
which, of course ” 

But ’ere I could finish speaking the assistant had jumped 
out of his chair, and greatly excited, cried: 

“ What! have you got any notes given to you by him?” 

“Yes, I have five of them for £5 a piece, but I guess they 
are of no use now.” 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


143 


“Let me see them. Quick! let me see them,” exclaimed 
the aroused assistant, and the “ ape ” perched on the stool 
turned partly around to take stock of the proceedings. 
Never dreaming anything would happen to me through 
having the notes in my possession, without any hesitation, I 
pulled them from my pocket and handed them over. 

Looking carefully at them a minute or two, he sat down, 
and turning to me said: “Your story may be true, I think 
it is; but the very fact of these notes — which are all forged 
— having been found upon your person, make it my duty to 
place you under arrest.” 

The “ monkey ” turned around again with a sickly grin 
on his insipid features. 

“What!” I cried, somewhat startled, “ place me under 
arrest? What for? Have I not told you how these notes 
came into my possession? What more do you want?” 

“ I am very sorry,” replied the clerk, “ but your story will 
have to be proved. For my own part 1 do not think you are 
an accomplice of Cambourne’s, but of course what I think is 
of no consequence, it remains for the governor to decide 
the matter, and, as I have already stated, it is my duty to 
give you into custody.” 

Without another word, he took a sheet of paper, and . 
hastily writing a few words upon it, placed it in an envelope, 
then calling the “idiot off the perch,” dispatched him 
with it. 

In a few minutes the eschewer of R’s returned, accom- 
panied by a colored policeman in a white suit of duck, and 
before I could gather my senses or rightly understand what 
was going on, I found myself in a stone guard-room, and a 


144 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


native soldier keeping watch over me with a rifle and fixed 
bayonet. 

This was about three o’clock, and in about half an hour 
the Secretary’s assistant, who had given me into custody, 
entered my cell and asked me if I had any letters or 
papers by which I could prove that I was an Englishman. 

“Yes, 1 had several letters from my friends in England, 
and I also had one from Mr. Cambourne, written to me by 
him previous to his departure from the United States.” 

“ Where are these letters?” 

“ In my trunk.” 

“ Where is your trunk?” 

“ In the custom-house.” 

“ Then I will have it brought here, Mr. Officer go to the 
custom-house with this gentleman and bring his trunk into 
the guard-room.” 

As the custom-house was only a few doors below, in a very 
short time I was searching for the correspondence which was 
needed to obtain my release. Having found it, I handed it 
to the official, and he selected Mr. Cambourne’s letter, then 
taking two or three of the envelopes from my English mail, 
informed me that he thought they would be sufficient to 
prove my identity, also to assure the governor that I had 
come with the forged notes entirely ignorant of their fraud- 
ulent chare ter. And so it proved, for in less than an hour’s 
time, he returned to the guard-room bearing a letter from 

Sir , giving instructions for my instant release, and the 

next moment I was free once more, and deucedly glad I was 
of it. 

As soon after my release as possible, I found a lodging 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


145 


house, commensurate to my financial condition, and had my 
trunk taken there, then I changed my good clothes for the 
oldest and roughest togs I could find, fortunately a Cardigan 
jacket formed part of my wardrobe, and as I intended to look 
for a vessel, I instantly seized upon this as an exceedingly 
nautical garment. When I got down to the docks I thought 
my chance of speedy success appeared to be quite bright. 
It was in the very height of the sugar season, and the har- 
bor was crowded with ships of every description, whilst -the 
wharf literally swarmed with captains and other seamen. 

Catching sight of an English captain, it did not take me 
long to tell him of the trouble I was in, and ask him if he 
could give me a berth in his cabin or gaily, for of course it 
would have been useless for me to have tried to ship as -an 
ordinary seaman, on an English vessel without being able 
to show any discharges. 

He was very sorry, and so were a dozen more I related 
my tale of woe to, but none of them could take me back. 
Sick, tired and disheartened by my unsuccessful efforts I 
went to my room and tried to sleep, but I might just as well 
have tried to keep the earth from revolving; for what with my 
thoughts, the infernal heat, and the voracious mosquitoes, 
I found myself still awake when the old colored woman — 
without even the ceremony of knocking — walked into my 
room next morning bearing my coffee and toast. 

Consuming this, I got up and dressed, then sticking the 
blackest pipe my collection contained between my lips, and 
rolling up my sleeves in order to show some tattoo marks 
on my arms — put there by an old seaman who had sailed 
with my father some years ago — proceeded to the docks and 


10 


146 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


began my second day of looking for a captain, fool enough 
to take me off the confounded island. Well, to make a long 
story short, the day passed away and I was just as far from 
finding one as when I began, and the next week brought me 
no better success, and an almost empty purse. I don’t know 
what the deuce I would have done if it had not been for the 
old custom-house officer I have alluded to as my friend, 
who, noticing my altered appearance and my frequent visits 
to the docks, one day asked me how I was getting on? 

“ I ain’t getting on at all,” I replied, and told him of all 
that had befallen me since I had come to the island. 

After listening attentively to my story, the old gentleman 
looked somewhat grave, and stroked his white beard, 
evidently deep in thought. 

“ So some of them won’t believe you are an Englishman, 
eh! Well, now I hope you won’t feel hurt at what I am 
going to suggest; but ” 

I hastened to assure him that nothing he could say would 
hurt my feelings, if it would point out the means by which 
I could leave the confounded hole I was then in. 

“Well, now I’ll tell you what I was thinking of; if they 
think you are more like an American than an Englishman, 
why not become one for the time being? 

“ What good would that do me? ” 

“ Why, the American Vice-Consul here will interest him- 
self in your behalf, and when he learns of you destitute con- 
dition, will procure you a berth on an American vessel in less 
than no time.” 

This had never occurred to my mind before, and discard- 
ing all conscientious scruples, I decided to act upon his 
advice that very instant. 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


147 


“ Where can he be found? ” 

“ Right in there,” he replied, pointing to a small building; 
and sure enough there was the American flag flying from the 
windows. Never before had the stars and stripes appeared 
so beautiful or interesting to me as on this morning; and 
shaking my friends hand, I hastened off to play the part of 
an “American citizen.” 

I found the Vice-Consul sitting in his chair, his feet resting 
on the railing which divided the room in the centre. The differ- 
ence in the way I was welcomed here, from the manner in 
which I had been received by my own countrymen, struck 
me with great force; for no sooner did I introduce myself, 
than the feet came down and the hand of friendship and 
welcome was extended to me. 

When I had told my story to him and stated the object of 

my visit, he said: “ You are just in time. One of T ’s 

barks sails this noon, and Captain L is at this moment 

in the next room. I’ll call him and introduce you.” 

After Captain had sized me up a bit, he promised to give 
me a berth, and told me “to be off and get my traps on board 
at once, for I don’t intend to wait, and don’t you forget it.” 

Wishing the Vice-Consul good bye, and again shaking 
him warmly by the hand, I rushed off to get my things 
aboard the “Atlantic.” 

By eleven o’clock this was accomplished, and finding I 
still had an hour left, I looked up my friend, the old cus- 
tom house officer, and told him of my success. 

To see the look of unadulterated and honest joy come into 
his kindly blue eyes, did me good; and when shortly after I 
left the island, this old friend and the American Vice-Consul 
were the only two persons on it I felt sorry to part from. 


148 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


Of the hardships I endured on . the voyage back to 
Brooklyn it is needless for me to speak; suffice it to say 
that we first put in to Antigua to discharge a deck-load of 
mules — which, by the way had been my especial charge 
from Barbados, and a lively time I had of it keeping them 
upon their feet — At Antigua we were to complete our cargo 
of sugar and molasses, and after a month of hauling hand 
over hand in the company of negroes, and under the almost 
tropical sun; we finally set sail for Brooklyn, which we 
reached in about another month. 

I had shipped aboard the Atlantic as an ordinary seaman 
and I did the work of one; but although I had signed the 
ship’s articles, never a cent did I get for it; but I suppose 

Captain L attended to that part of the business, and 

there is no doubt in the world, hut what he tound himself 
$50 ahead at the end of the voyage. But whether he did or 
not I don’t care; all I wanted was to get back to New York, 
and succeeding in this I was satisfied. How I got from 
Brooklyn to Chicago, a distance of nearly a thousand miles, 
without money, I will relate to you some other time. And 
now gentlemen, you have heard how it was, I once tempo- 
rarily became an “ American.” 

When Mr. Pole concluded, and the usual applause had 
been accorded him, we found that only a few minutes re- 
mained for us to get back to our several houses, and accord- 
ingly the chairman announced the meeting at an end and 
we dispersed. 


Son^e EmpIoy(^r 5 I^ob Sl^eir 53lesp(^ople, \D \)0 

TiiFQ (J(^t 09 tl7(? C^4JStom(^r5. 


The next time I visited the room at the “ Crown,” the 
meeting had not yet been called to order, and those in at- 
tendance were sitting in small groups telling short stories 
and recounting the day’s happenings. In the midst of one 
of these groups I saw the chairman in earnest conversation, 
and drawing up a chair I sat down to find out the nature of 
the discussion. As I seated myself, Mr. Lane was saying: 
“I tell you Wood, you are wrong; it is true, I admit, that 
much undesirable stuff is by this means got rid of; but when 
you say the trade could not be successfully carried on with- 
out P. M’s., I most emphatically repeat that you are mis- 
taken.” 

“ I quite agree with you Mr. Lane, observed another of the 
group, and further than that I would add, the system is the 
cause of more lying in the trade than would exist if it were 

abolished. I remember an incident ” 

“ Never mind relating it just now,” interrupted Mr. Lane, 
I think this matter a very important one, and if you will 
wait a moment I will call the meeting to order, and you can 
then relate the incident to the whole audience at once. 

Mr. Lane then rose and walking to his usual seat, knocked 
for order, and running his eye over the assembly in his usual 
manner, called upon Mr. Longman to do his duty. Without 
any hesitation that gentleman began : 


150 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


In this rapid age of ours it is quite possible for a fashion- 
able woman by wearing a certain style of dress or a par- 
ticular shade of color, purchased only a week or two before, 
to find that what she had then supposed to be the “ rage” 
was already dead, and soon would be interred. The natural 
result is, merchants catering to this class of trade, frequently 
find themselves overstocked with some lines of goods. On 
discovering this, the question arises to them: how shall we 
get rid of these goods? The only solution to the problem 
offering itself is: they must make it worth while to their 
assistants to push any bad property they may find in their 
respective departments. At present I know of but one way 
by which the desired result is obtained, and that is byresort- 
ing to the P. M. system. 

****** 

If the reader has ever been in the business, he or she will, 
of course, know what this system is. But to those who have 
never been unfortunate enough to find themselves behind 
the counter, a few words by way of explanation will be 
necessary. Suppose, for instance, a certain shade of blue to 
be the prevailing color in fashionable circles. Suddenly 
some prominent leader of society discovers such a shade re- 
fuses to harmonize with her complexion, or clashes with her 
furniture, or some other nonsense; and shortly after making 
this direful discovery, she startles the lesser lights having 
their orbits around and about her, by bursting in upon them 
arrayed in purple or crimson, or some other becoming color. 
What happens then? Why blue is at once voted “passe,” 
and henceforth rigidly avoided. The merchant soon learns of 
the change, and hails it either with delight or with a curse, ac- 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


151 


cording to the amount of the boycotted color he has in his 
shelves. If the quantity has startled him into profanity, 
the goods are all collected and he at once proceeds to P. M. 
them. This is done by placing upon the ticket, what 
would appear to the uninitiated as so much “ Chinese;” but 
the salesman interprets it to mean this: — For every yard of 
this material I sell I will receive a penny, two-pence, three- 
pence, or some larger amount; depending on the price of the 
goods and the difficulty likely to be experienced in selling 
them. All money derived from this source, is called by the 
assistants, “ P. M’s,” “ Spiffs,” “Bullseyes,” “ Tingies,” etc., 
and a smart man in a liberal house, can often make as much 
in P. M.’s as his salary. 

***** 

You all know what that is. When I first went behind the 
counter, I was placed in care of a man by the name of 
Camphill. His first name was Thomas; and for the sake 
of brevity we called him T. C. 

It was this man’s duty to give me my first lessons in the 
art of selling goods; and in justice to him I will say, it was 
possible for me to have had a worse tutor. T. C. knew his 
business thoroughly, and was therefore a first-class liar; in 
addition to ranking as the champion “ spiff ” maker of the 
house. 

No matter what a customer asked for; if the article was 
not P. M.’d, he made it his business to sell her something 
that was. I could relate many yarns that I have heard 
this fellow tell in his endeavor to ram stuff they did not re- 
quire down the throats of the public, in order to make a 
shilling or two in “ tingies.” But the one I have selected 


152 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


•will answer just as well as a dozen, as an illustration of T, 
C.’s ingenuity in this respect. 

About the time of which I am speaking 187 — , many of 
you will remember the great craze there was for grey China 
silks. So great was the rage for them, that not a house in 
all London could procure a supply sufficient to satisfy the 
demand. One morning we found ourselves without a yard 
of the coveted material in the house,' and being unable to 
get any more, the result was, many sales were lost. In vain 
did we try to sell Japanese instead, and I believe we could 
have done so, had it not been for the great difference in their 
width, for not one woman in a hundred can distinguish one 
from the other by its appearance alone. 

T. C. had so far escaped, but on the third day, this very 
smooth young man had a call for “ grey China silk.” After 
looking for his customer a moment, he asked in well 
feigned surprise, “why, haven’t you heard the news?” 

“ What news?” 

“ Why about China.” 

“No, I haven’t heard anything,” replied the woman in 
confusion — caused by having to admit her ignorance — “what 
is it?” 

“ My dear madam, you certainly ought to read the papers 
and keep informed upon the topics of the day, if you did 
this, you would know that thousands of Chinese have been 
dying every day, for the last two months or more, from that 
terrible disease ‘yellow fever.’ 

“ Oh! yes, now I come to think of it, I did read something 
of the kind,” quoth the woman — as a matter of fact, she did 
not, for it was nothing but a fabrication of lies constructed 


UNVARNISHED YARNS, 153 

by the ingenious and bold T. C. expressly for the occasion — 
^^but what has that to do with the silks?” 

“ What has it got to do with the silks?” repeated T. C. 

Why, it’s got everything to do with them. The British 
government has established a quarantine against all vessels 
coming from Chinese ports, consequently no goods from that 
country have been delivered in England for over a month; 
and as a result there is not a yard of China silk in London.” 
But, continued T. C., in his most seductive tones, “we have 
plenty of Japanese silks, and not one in a thousand can tell 
the difference; and in all probability, the very ones you 
have been looking at are Japanese instead of Chinese. Look 
at this and tell me if it is anything like what you want.” 
And as he spoke T. C. placed before his customer a piece of 
silk which had been in the stock at least six or seven years, 
and had a P. M. of. sixpence a yard on it. After inspecting 
it a short while the woman was bound to admit the article 
before her certainly was the same as she had always known 
as Chinese silk; and T, C. knew he had made a sale and a 
good P. M, Twenty yards, with sixpence a yard on it, 
netted him exactly ten shillings; a very snug sum in itself, 
to say nothing of what he rolled up the same day in a more 
ordinary manner. 

When Mr. Longman finished speaking, a young man ob- 
served: “ That the woman must have been a fool to believe 
such rot as that, for if she had only thought for one moment, 
she might have known that T. C. was stuffing her.” 

“I quite agree with you l\Ir. Jones,” replied Longman, 
^‘and no doubt the very fact of her being a fool was the 
reason T. C. did stuff her. He saw at a glance the kind of 


154 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


customer he had to deal with; and knowing his business 
thoroughly, as I have said before, he knew just how far he 
could go with her, and exactly the kind of yarn to tell her 
in order to bring about the desired result; and every man 
that has been in the trade a few years, ought to be able to do 
the same, for if he cannot, let me tell him right here, the 
best thing he can do is to step down and out, for he will 
never in this world make a success as a draper’s assistant. 
Does anyone here suppose for an instant that this man, ex- 
pert as he was in the trade, would have told the same tale 
to whoever happened to ask him for ‘Grey China silks?’^ 
Not a bit of it! What would go down with one woman and 
prove a success as it did in this case, would, if told to 
another, bring hopeless ruin and disaster upon the salesman’s 
plans.” 

Mr. Lane here rose and said; “Gentlepien, you have all 
heard Mr. Longman say he knows of but one method, by 
which old and undesirable goods are got rid of, and after 
thinking the matter over, I have come to the conclusion that 
such a system as the P. M. one is, should at once be aband- 
oned. Why? In the first place, no one can possibly fail to 
observe the strong temptation to lie, that is thus thrown out 
to the lad just entering upon his commercial career, and in 
nine cases out of ten, I will venture to say the temptation is 
yielded to, and the boy soon becomes an unblushing and pro- 
fessional liar. Secondly, if such a system is persisted in, what 
customer can enter a shop feeling sure she will obtain the 
article she desires and asks for? Why, I have known cases 
— and so have all in this room — where ladies have called for 
goods of a certain make, and have been deliberately told by 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


155 


the assistant, that they were just out; but here is something 
— with a “tingie” on — to take the place of it; and if the cus- 
tomer happens to be tired, or not over particular, or in a 
hurry, she often buys what she really does not need, and the 
salesman makes his ‘P. M.’ and tips the wink to the next 
man, who would have done the same thing himself, if the 
opportunity had been given him. But if it is discovered 
that the woman is of the class that will buy nothing what- 
ever, except what she asks for; a piece of the desired goods 
is at last found — raked up quite by accident of course — the 
salesman is profuse in his apologies for not having found it 
before, and the customer procures the quantity required, and 
departs without suspecting for a moment, the man had en- 
deavored to sell her something she did not want, because 
it had a ‘ spiff’ on it. 

“ Now if this system is discarded, as I have already said it 
should be, what is to take the place of it? Why, simply this; 
if a merchant buys his goods recklessly, let him suffer for 
it; and when he finds his shelves crowded with goods that 
have depreciated in value, let him reduce the price to 
what they are honestly worth. Why should he make his 
customers pay for his folly and bad judgment? Let him 
also keep good men in his employ; men who will take an 
interest in his business. Pay them fair wages and give them 
to understand that their situations depend upon the stocks 
they have charge of being well kept and free from old 
stock. If such a thing is done, it will give those men 
possessing greatest ability, a chance to come to the front; 
but as it is now, a man of very ordinary attainments, often 
gets a larger salary than one with twice the skill; simply 


156 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


because he has been loorking for the firm the longest As 
Mr. Lane concluded his remarks, Mr. Buggins wanted to 
know how the employes were going to deduct the fines if 
P. M.’s were abolished? 

Mr. Johnson rose and took it upon himself to answer this 
question by saying: “this system of fining, is, in my 
opinion, one of the meanest forms of robbery in existence. 
In some houses a man can hardly turn round without 
rendering himself liable to a fine of some amount. Look at 
Lappet & Tambours for instance; as you all know they 
have a hundred and thirty rules with a fine attached to each 
one of them, and unable to evolve any more from their 
tyrannical brains, they wind up by adding this one: 
■‘For any misdemeanor not mentioned in these rules; fine, 
six pence.’ If this is not daylight robbery, will someone 
tell me what is? Nov/ there are many houses in London 
employing all the way from a hundred to five hundred 
assistants, to say nothing of those running into the thou- 
sands. Supposing the average amount of fines per head is 
— well to put it low — say eighteen pence a month, it is plain 
to see that any firm employing five hundred hands will 
make a good thing out of it. They can talk as they like 
about the library eating it up; but do we not pay a subscrip- 
tion fee of a shilling a month for the support of this institu- 
tion? Certainly we do; and there is not a house in London 
with a library attached to it, but what the assistants em- 
ployed therein are assessed some amount. Now let us see 
how much per month is deemed necessary by some of the 
firms employing five hundred assistants. In the first place, 
five hundred shillings amount to twenty-five pounds; add to 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


157 


this the sum derived from fines, which, at the rate I have men- 
tioned, is thirty-seven pounds ten shillings, and we have a 
grand total of sixty-two pounds ten shillings per month. 
Now anyone with a grain of common sense knows that any 
library, such as those usually found in one of these houses^ 
does not require this enormous sum to run it; and I have 
no hesitancy in declaring that at least fifty pounds of 
what is supposed to be ‘ sunk ’ in literature for the employes, 
is in reality ‘ sunk’ in the capacious sockets of the firm.” 

The “ American” rose next and.gave it as his opinion that 
the systems of P. M’s and fines should both be abolished; 
and those firms keeping a library in connection with their 
establishments, should also reduce the subscription; the 
very idea of such enormous sums being invested in such an 
institution was, as Mr. Johnson had just intimated, perfectly 
preposterous] and, further than this, I also think that even 
the sum allowed by Mr. Johnson to defray expenses is too 
great. 

Suppose, for instance, you have in your employ a hundred 
hands all told; of this number- -if you be in favor of female 
assistants — sixty will be girls, and I may add that when I 
use the term “girls,” I intend it to apply to anything found 
behind our counters wearing petticoats^ without regard to 
age — thirty will be men, and the remaining ten apprentices. 
Now, no young man finding such great sums of money 
rolling into his pockets at the end of every month, together 
with possessing such an utter contempt for it, would be- 
grudge the paltry sum of a shilling a month for the enjoy- 
ment of such an inestimable boon as the average library 
found in the trade. 


158 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


Thirty shillings make one pound ten. Now tax the girls 
half the amount of that paid by the men, and this produces 
another thirty shillings making, a total of three pound. The 
apprentices, of course, could hardly be expected to come in 
on the deal, as they get nothing for their three or four years 
services, except as their indentures put it: jit and wholesome 
Jood, and jit and proper shelter. Now you have about two 
shillings and fourpence for each working day to expend upon 
your library; and if this amount will not procure all the 
reading matter likely to interest and instruct your hundred 
employes, then they are the hardest hundred drapers to 
please I have ever heard of. If you wish to add any new 
book, or have old ones rebound, surely the sum accruing 
from the sale of old papers and periodicals, will be more 
than sufficient to cover the expense. 

The “ American” here paused a moment to take a sip at 
his drink, and continuing said: 

Before closing my remarks upon this subject, I would like 
to add that I can give the names of many large houses in 
the United States, as well as in London, who for years had 
been staunch defenders of the P. M. and fine system, but 
who are now conducting their business on new principles, 
with most satisfactory results. Indeed, I fail to see how it 
could be otherwise, for does it not strike you that with all 
other conditions being as favorable as they were previous to 
the new departure, such a method would be greatly calcu- 
lated to clean out, and eventually keep out all those assist- 
ants who are culpably negligent, leaving only those capable 
and trustworthy. And what greater helps to success can any 
business man have than these? 


Ope of tl?(? (r\ost Ui^uarpisl^i^d Yariks Srade. 


“ Mr. Cunnington, I don’t think you have been given a 
chance to distinguish yourself yet; suppose you grasp this 
opportunity to do so.” 

These words were spoken one evening by Mr. Lane; and 
the young man mentioned, refilled his pipe, cleared his 
throat and proceeded to contribute his yarn. 

“ Some years ago, I was living in an east-end house, 
having for its twenty-ninth rule, this: — Any assistant tak- 
ing three consecutive ‘ swaps ’ will be liable to immediate 
discharge.” 

“ Now to some of you fellows, who have never worked in 
a house of this kind, such a rule will appear at once novel 
and tyranical. But if you want to gather any idea of the 
class of men it constructs, you will have to work in one of 
these houses a few months, as I have done. You talk about 
the,liars and schemers you meet in the trade of this part of 
London, but they would sink into insignificance if compared 
with some of those in one of the East-end houses. Just try 
to imagine a man who has lost two sales, and the very next 
customer he gets asks for something he knows is not in the 
house. Imagine further, if you can, the feelings of this 
man, when putting his hand into his pocket, finds nothing 
there except the material out of which it is fashioned; add 
to all this, the fact that if he lets this customer escape him, 
he will be turned out of house and home, without a mo- 


160 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


ment’s warning; possessing, perhaps, only what will keep him 
in the poorest manner for a week or two. Is it any wonder, 
that under these circumstances, a man does not hesitate to 
put into execution, schemes evolved from a mind driven to 
dispair by such facts staring him in the very face? 

Just apply the circumstances to yourselves, and think 
what you would do if standing in his shoes. 

Here you are with an alternative; you can either tell the 
truth and see yourself and the customer leave the house or 
you can work some scheme and retain your position. 

Which will you do? Remember you have not a shilling in 
your pocket and probably only a very small sum coming to 
you for services up to date. Now, which will you do? Will 
you tell the truth and run the chance of going hungry for an 
indefinite period or will you diverge from the path of strict 
veracity and continue your services in a place where to say 
the least of it you will obtain enough food to keep body and 
soul together and sufficient shelter to sleep under? 

Which will you do? 

I’ll answer the question, and as my experience among 
drapers’ assistants is somewhat extensive, I venture to ^ay, 
it will apply to ninety- five per cent of the men in the trade 
to-day. My answer is: You will ‘ not ’ run any chance 
of suffering the pangs of hunger; but execute any plan or 
scheme by which you see a possible chance of avoiding it. 
Now for my tale. The proprietor of the house I have re- 
ferred to had a habit of standing in the doorway of his es- 
tablishment, and every customer leaving the shop would be 
stopped by him and asked if she had procured the articles 
she required? If she answered him in the affirmative, all 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


161 


well and good; but should' she say no, then woe unto the 
unlucky wretch who had waited on her. 

One morning the boss was in his usual position ; and one 
of the fellows at least wished he was not. For sitting on a 
chair before him was an old lady, to whom he had been 
vainly trying to sell a dress. Every few minutes she would 
get up and say: “ I see you haven’t what I want, so I had 
better go.” Just as often as she did so, poor old James 
would contrive to get her to resume her seat; making some 
excuse for her doing so. “He had forgotten to show her this, 
or that, or he thought a new lot had come in, amongst which 
was just the thing she wanted; if she would kindly excuse 
him, he would go find out.” 

As he told her this he moved off in the direction of the 
warehouse, and as soon as he was out of his customer’s sight, 
beckoned me towards him and said: “ Look here. Cunning- 
ton, if I miss this sale I’ll lose my job, and I am dead 
broke. Now, there is just one chance for me to avoid this, 
and that is to get this old ‘tab’ out of the house without the 
boss striking her. Now to do this I want you to go down 
and tell the old man that a gentleman in another part of the 
building wishes to see him, and when he moves I’ll shunt 
the old girl out. Do you catch on?” 

I told him I grasped the idea, and immediately set off’ to 
execute it. 

“ A gentleman wishes to see you in number fifty-six, sir.” 

“ What kind of a gentleman?” snorted the old man. 

This question completely knocked me out; we had never 
bargained for it, and I got all mixed up and blurted out the 
first thing coming into my mind. 


162 


UNVAKNISHED YARNS, 


“ He is a commercial traveler, I think sir.” 

“ Oh! he is, is he? Well you go and tell him that I have 
something else to do, besides run about after travelers;” and 
he resumed his position. 

Whilst I had been talking to the boss, I saw old James 
still endeavoring to hold his customer, who was again upon 
her feet, and from the position in which she was standing 
with her face toward the door, I knew that all his efforts to 
again persuade her to sit down would be useless. Seeing 
that the old man did not move, James fearing the worst, had 
grown quite alarmed; and when I got back to the counter 
he remarked: “sottovoce” “well its no go; eh?” I shook 
my head in reply, and was about to tell him of the mess I 
had made of the whole affair ; but before I could begin, he 
jumped over the counter, and looking the woman square in 
the left optic, proceeded to scare the wits out of her. 

“Madam,” be said, “you no doubt think it strange of me 
to keep you here so long, but you will pardon me when you 
hear why I have done so. You see that gentleman standing 
down by the door?” 

“ Yes she saw him.” 

“ Well my dear madam, he is a lunatic, a raving mad- 
man; oh my! but he is crazy; fancies every woman he sets 
eyes on is his wife come back to life again. There! look at 
him now, he is trying to stop that lady as she goes out.” 

The old lady looked as directed, and saw the old man do- 
ing just what he had been engaged in for years. 

“ Well, why don’t the proprietor have him looked after?” 
cried the old lady, evincing the first signs of alarm. 

“Oh, bless you, he does; why he is his own brother, and 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


163 


a keeper is always supposed to be in attendance upon him ; 
but from some cause or other, he is not here this morning, 
neither is the proprietor. And the poor fellow finding him- 
self at liberty, has strolled into the shop, and taken up the 
position he used to occupy in his sane days, before his wife 
died.” 

“ Poor fellow;” simpered the old lady, her tone of alarm 
changed for one of sympathy; “ but is he'at all dangerous?” 

“ Dangerous! I should rather think he was dangerous; 
that’s the trouble. Why I remember on one occasion, he 
caught hold of a lady — who I suppose bore an unusually 
strong resemblance to his departed wife — and it took five of 
us besides his keeper to rescue her from him.” 

“ Well, ain’t there any other way by which I can leave 
the shop?” nervously gasped the old woman; by this time 
greatly frightened — perhaps she was wondering to herself if 
she bore an unusually strong resemblance to his departed 
spouse. 

“No madam, through that doorway is the only way by 
w'hich you can get out; but I will walk down the floor with 
you and if he attempts to say a word to you, run for your 
life and I’ll do the best I can to hold him back. Mr. Cun- 
nington I wish you would be kind enough to assist me.” 
I of course assented, and not without some misgivings for 
the success of James’ audacious scheme, followed them down 
the shop. 

When within about three or four yards from the door, 
James gave me the wink, and motioned me to jump behind 
the counter on one side, and as I did so he slipped noise- 
lessly behind one on the other side. 


164 


UNVAKNISHED YAKNS. 


This manoeuvre on our part of course left the old woman 
alone, who, as soon as she missed us, turned round to see 
where we were, but of course did not discover. At the 
same instant, the old man conscious of her approach, turned 

round and with his usual broad grin exclaimed: “have ” 

AVhatever else he would have said, the old lady did not wait 
to hear; but with a piercing yell of fright and a wild lunge 
with her umbrella at the boss she darted swiftly down the 
street and I shouldn’t wonder if the terrified female is running 
yet. 

The boss stood in the doorway staring w'onderingly at her 
retreating figure, and not until she turned a corner and 
vanished from his view did he re-enter the shop. When he 
did so of course James and I were back in our accustomed 
places as though nothing had happened. 

“ Who waited on that woman that just went out?” roared 
the old man, almost frantic with rage. “ Did you Smith?’^ 
“Jones, you, eh!” “No.” “You didn’t?” “Who did then, 
eh?” “You, Cook?” “White did you wait on her?” “No 
sir, I think Mr. James did.” “ James, James,” bawled the 
frantic boss, “what in the devil is the matter with that wo- 
man you just waited on?” 

“I’m sure I don’t know, sir, but I think she must be crazy 
by her actions.” 

“What did she buy?” 

“ Nothing, sir. She came to the counter and asked me to 
show her those tweedle, bombastic, shiverottie twist 
CLOTHS we advertised at a penny a yard.” 

Here I fell down behind the counter and endeavored to 
swallow a three yard remnant of cashmere in my efforts to 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


165 


keep from laughing; but James, on the contrary, only went 
on pulling his mustache with a most blank and innocent 
look on his countenance. 

“ What the deuce did she mean?” demanded the “ guv.” 

That is exactly the question I asked her; and she said I 
ought to know, she didn’t, it wasn’t her business. Finall}’' 
I discovered she meant Scotch tweeds, and showed her all 
these; but when I told her they were one and eleven pence 
three farthings a yard, she jumped clean off her chair and 
flew' out of the shop. I really do think the poor w'oman is 
a little off. 

By this time the old man had cooled off, and it w'as wdth 
no small degree of thankfulness I heard him break into a 
loud laugh at James’ “cod,” thereby indicating to me that it 
W’as all over and I could stand up in safety. Amen. 




As Mr. Cunnington concluded, the audience show'ered the 
usual applause upon him, and after the glasses and pipps of 
many had been replenished and something like quietness 
again restored, Mr. Lane called upon Mr. Nelson to do what 
he could in the line of “ yarning.” This gentleman, w’ho by 
the w’ay had the reputation of being one of the boldest men 
in the London trade, at once announced his intention to re- 
late an incident, the victim of which can be seen if you look 
this way. We all looked, and he opened out. 

Gentlemen, what I am about to relate transpired in a 


166 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


house of the same class as the one referred to by Mr. Cun- 
nington, and was also caused by the existence of such a 
rule; viz: Any assistant losing three sales in succession 
will be at once discharged.* It was once my luck to lose a 
berth through this rule and it happened in this way. 

One morning I had already taken two “swaps,” when an old 
girl sat down in front of me and began to unroll a paper parcel; 
saying as she did so, that it contained a piece of print she 
wished to match. As soon as it was disclosed to my view, 
I knew we had nothing like it, and already began to wonder 
where I would procure my next job. The manager knowing 
I had missed the two previous sales, was walking up and 
down the door, with his eye steadily fixed upon me, waiting 
to pounce down upon me as a hawk does upon a sparrow, if 
I should get another “six-quarter.” 

I pulled down piece after piece of print, thinking thereby, 
to hold the old lady long enough for the manager to turn 
his back a few moments, and thus given an opportunity, I 
could slide her out of the shop in safety. But no such luck 
was in store for me, and to complete my discomfiture, the 
old hag got off her chair and told me to tie up her sample. 
Seeing no possible way out of the difficulty and becoming 
reconciled to my fate, I lifted her sample for the first time, 
and the weight told me at once that it contained quite a number 
of yards. A sudden inspiration struck me, and without a 
moments hesitation — for when you do anything like I was 
about to attempt, you must do it boldly — I enquired what 
length she wanted? 

“Just two yards,” she replied; “you see I have enough for 
the skirt and want a little more for a waist.” 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


167 


“Well that is very lucky, for now I come to think of it, I 
believe we have a remnant containing just that quantity, 
and if you will sit down a minute I’ll -have a look for it.” 

Of course the old woman was delighted to think she could 
obtain it without looking further, and she accordingly 
dropped into her chair again. I now made believe to insti- 
tute a search under the counter, where the remnants were 
kept. But I did no such thing, for I knew exactly what the 
result would have been; we did’nt have the print and had 
never had it in the house. Now instead of looking for 
the supposed remnant, I was in reality making one) and this 
is how I did it: 

Taking the customer’s own piece of print, I spread it out 
underneath the counter, and whipping out my scissors, in an 
instant had cut off the quantity required, then taking this 
piece I shoved it in amongst a bundle of bona fide remnants, 
and pretending to have just found them, lifted them upon 
the counter, and began to search for the desired pattern. 

“ Have you found it?” presently inquired the old lady. 

“ Not yet, but I think we have a small piece somewhere,” 
and on I went removing piece after piece, until at length 
nearly at the bottom of the pile, I came to the one wished for. 
With an exclamation of well feigned delight at my success, 
I brought it out and measured it. 

“ How much did you say you wanted?” 

“Just two yards,” replied the woman. 

“ Well I never, how very fortunate; why that is just exactly 
the length in this piece!” 

“ Let me see it,” says she. 

I of course handed it to her with all the confidence in the. 


168 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


world; and taking it she began to compare it with her some- 
what reduced sample. First she twisted it this way, then 
that, now placing the small piece on top of the large, and 
the next moment reversing them. “It don’t seem to be just 
exactly like mine after all, but perhaps I can’t see well, my 
eyes are not very good, and you people keep the shops so 
dark.” 

You can take it to the door madam if you wish; I re- 
marked with great assurance, knowing as I did that not a 
particle of difference existed. Ha^dng obtained this per- 
mission, the old girl trotted off to the door carrying the two 
pieces of print with her, closel}’ followed by the argus of a 
manager. 

As she was making her examination in the brighter light 
of the street, I stood leaning back against the fixtures, con- 
gratulating myself for having thought of the scheme, and 
was just about to tell the fellow next me what I had done, 
when the old wretch came back to the counter and again I 
approached her, at the same time taking out my check-book 
in the expectation of making a bill for the two yards of 
print. 

But oh! how sadly I was mistaken in this idea; for no 
sooner had she returned, than the old fool threw dowm the 
print exclaiming: “ Oh, no! it is not a bit like mine in 
the daylight; it is a different figure altogether. Wrap up 
my piece and let me go, you have kept me here too long al- 
ready.” 

This disgusted me, and careless with rage at the old 
crank’s stubbornness and stupidity, I jerked the piece out of 
her hand and pitched it under the counter again. 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


169 


How she got her package wrapped up I do not know, nor 
do I care; for before the manager could get the chance to 
give me the “ bullet ” I left the stock and rushed to the 
counting-house to draw my salary. Obtaining the “pieces,” 
I went to my room to pack my trunk, with a view to getting 
out of the imfernal “crib ” as quickly as possible. Another 
half hour saw this accomplished; I had also changed my 

shoptogs” for my “ cribbing” clothes; then giving one of 
the fellows — occupying the same bed-room as I -had done — 
instructions to see to the delivery of my box. I began to 
shake hands all around the house previous to taking my 
final departure. 

Just as I was wishing the last man good-bye, ai\d telling 
him the cause of my leaving, who should I see come flying 
into the shop, but- the old girl herself. I gave a chuckle to 
myself as I saw her go sailing past me, wildly waving the 
piece of print which had thrown me out of “ collar,” and it 
was the very fact of my being out of “ collar,” which ren- 
dered it possible for me to stand there and observe her with 
so much amusement. 

“ Where is that man who stole my print? where is he? 
where is he?” cried the angry female; “just let me get a 
hold on him; I’ll teach him to rob a poor lone widow in this 
manner.” 

The manager, who was on the floor, as soon as he heard 
the uproar my last customer was causing hastened forward, 
and when he saw who it was making such a disturbance, 
instantly recognized her as the woman to whom I had failed 
to sell something (■he did not ivant. 

“Take a seat, madam, and try to be calm.” 


170 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


“ Calm, calm,” reiterated the agitated female, “ how can 
a poor, lone widow who has been so shamefully robbed be 
calm?” 

“Robbed! robbed!” gasped the manager, in horror, 
“ what do you mean?” 

“ Why, I mean just what I say, sir; I have been robbed,” 
bawled the old girl; and raising her voice still higher — a& 
though intent upon giving as much publicity to her wrongs 
as possible — she fairly shrieked: “And in this very shop 
was the place I got robbed.” 

Overcome, either by her feelings or exertions, the “lone 
widow,” as she styled herself, allowed a tear to course itself 
down her wrinkled cheek; and sobbingly said: “Oh, the 
heartless wretch, to steal my print from me in such a 
manner.” 

“ I wish you would endeavor to compose yourself, madam, 
and tell me in a more sensible manner what print you have 
been — eh, I mean you have lost,” remarked the manager in 
soothing tones. 

Thus appealed to the old lady with a great effort controlled 
her feelings sufficiently to inform him that she had that morn- 
ing come into the shop with a piece of print containing seven 
yards, and asked a young man to match it for her, but instead 
of doing so, he had kept her piece and given her one with only 
five yards in it, and she was sure he had stole the other two 
yards; for,” she added, I thought when I first set eyes on 
him he was a bad lot, and if I don’t get it back I’ll make it 
warm for the house; yes, I will.” 

Having heard the old woman relate the story of her wrongs, 
the manager of course, remembered the incident at once, 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


171 


and was telling her of my departure; when I quietly slipped 
from my hiding place, and strolled leisurely down the floor. 
I knew what effect this would have upon the sorrowful dame;, 
therefore was not surprised to see her start from her chair 
and wildly shriek, “there he is!” “there he is!” “that’s the- 
man!” “he stole my print!” 

The next instant and she was upon me, and I began to 
wonder if I had acted wisely in disclosing my person to the 
enraged woman; for with a flourish of her arms — which were 
anything but white and delicately rounded — she made a lunge 
at my head, which I only avoided by ducking with great 
alacrity. Before she could follow up the attack, the manager, 
beside himself with rage, at the disgraceful proceedings, in- 
quired of me as I turned my back, what the devil I meant 
by treating customers of the house in the way I had treated 
this lady. 

Now, as I was out of their employ, I of course did not care- 
the toss of a tinker’s farthing, for the manager or a dozen 
like him ; so when he had put this question to me in such an 
abrupt manner, I feigned much surprise, and with all the 
dignity I could assume, demanded to know what he meant 
by thus addressing a “private gentlemen?” 

“A private gentleman,” slowly repeated he, “what the- 
devil do you mean sir, you’re no ‘private gentleman,’ but a 
‘ draper’s assistant,’ and 1 am manager and partner of this 
business, and can and will speak to you just as I wish.” 

“Oh! indeed, you think so do you, well if you will oblige 
me by adjourning to the back alley, I will do my best te 
convince you that even ‘managers and partners' are some- 
times mistaken;” and with a look of profound contempt at 


. 172 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


the thunderstruck manager, I turned on my heel and walked - 
down the shop. 

“ Nelson! Nelson! come back, I want to speak to you.” 

“ Are you calling me sir?” 

Yes, of course I am; your name’s Nelson, ain’t it?” 

It was a short while ago, but now it is Mr. Nelson, please 
remember sir, that I am not working for Smith and Loom 
now, and when you address me, you must do so in a proper 
manner.” 

“ Well then, Mr. Nelson, if you will be so particular, what 
have you done with this customer’s print?” 

“Print?” I exclaimed in the most aggravating manner I 
knew how. 

“ Don’t be a fool sir;” cried the manager, by this time 
thoroughly aroused and exasperated at my coolness and the 
tittering of the other fellows, who told me afterwards they 
never enjoyed anything so much before. 

Mr. Fly about, (that was the manager’s name; I have 
been unable to recall it until now,) if you will persist in 
talking to me in such an insulting manner, I shall be under 
the painful necessity of punching your head. I want you 
to distinctly understand that I am a private gentleman, as 
I have before informed you — if I remember right, I had 
about thirty shillings in my pocket at the time, but 'that 
made no difference, I was not working for him then — and 
will not permit any one to call me a fool; so take care.” 

This was more than he could stand; and realizing that 
something would have to be done if he wished to keep control 
of the fellows so highly amused at his discomfiture, he said 
sternly: “look here young fellow, I will give you just one 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


17a 


more chance to tell me what you did with this customer’s 
print, and if you refuse I shall send for INIr. Loom.” This 
made me mad and I told him “ he could send for the ‘ devil, 
if he wished; and if he came, the best thing he could do, 
would be to go home with him.” Before the dazed and 
furious Mr. Flyabout could articulate another word, I was 
in the street. Whether or no the old hag ever got her two 
yards of print I do not know, but I hope she did not; for 
any woman who is so confoundedly obstinate as to say a 
piece of goods cut right oft’ her own sample, is not at all 
like that sample, deserves to lose it. If a few more of the 
chronic shoppers parading about our shops and pulling things 
around which they have no right to touch, would lose some- 
thing now and again, I for one would not shed a tear of pity 
for them. 

That’s all; and Mr. Nelson who had grown hot and ex- 
cited whilst relating his yarn, vigorously fanned himself 
wdth his handkerchief. 


(^ra^I^s aijd ^l^oppers — (p! U/oods ar(? pull 

of ’m. 


Another month had come and gone, likewise another 
banquet, provided by our genial host, but unfortunately I 
had been unable to partake of it, having with several others 
in our house been sent to another part of London to assist at 
the semi-annual sale of a branch establishment. It was, 
therefore, with much pleasure we again visited our snug 
quarters at the “Crown,” after so long an absence. 


174 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


The night of our return we were given quite an ovation, 
for among our number were some of the most experienced 
and entertaining fellows. 

The chairman, having brought the audience to order, 
^called upon the “ American” — who had been absent for so 
long — to give ns a few more leaves from his interesting 
•diary. That gentleman thereupon arose and lit his pipe, 
and again resuming his seat commenced: 

Gentlemen, the last night it was my pleasure to enjoy the 
comforts of this room, if I remember correctly, it was Mr. 
Nelson who told the last yarn, and a highly interesting one 
it was. During the narration of it I was very much struck 
by his closing remarks, which contained, as nearly as I can 
recollect, anything but an expression of good wishes for a 
olass of women known to the trade as “shoppers.” The 
mention of the word “ shoppers” always reminds me of the 
United States, which, I am convinced is the home of that 
irritating biped. Now it is generally understood in the dry- 
goods trade of America that a “ shopper” is a woman enter- 
ing a store for any other reason except the one she ought to. 
She may go in to be amused, she may go in to wait for a 
street car, she may go in to wait for the bank or the post- 
office to open, she may go in to avoid a shower of rain, she 
may go in to gossip, she may go in to sell tickets for an 
orphan’s fair or a church sociable, she may go in to rent 
furnished rooms, she may go in to fix her hair in a style she 
has just seen another woman’s arranged, indeed, she may go 
in to do a hundred and one things, but not one of these will 
she perform without looking at a whole pile of goods, any of 
which she has no more idea of purchasing than a nigger 
has of emigrating to Iceland. 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


175 


Now the chief cause for this state of affairs is, to my way 
of thinking, due to the fact that a very large percentage of 
young married couples and small families do not, like our 
people here in England, keep house, but board in private 
houses or hotels. It is no unusual thing to find a dozen 
couples — each couple as a rule occupying one or two rooms 
— living in one house. 

The consequence is, these women, having no household 
duties to attend to, hardly know how to pass the time inter- 
vening between breakfast and dinner. There they are; they 
get up and go down to breakfast, after which the husbands 
go to their business, and the first thing you know there are a 
dozen women sitting around the house having nothing to do 
but gossip, for the next three or four hours.. The gossip and 
lunch over, they next divide themselves into couples, and 
each pair takes upon themselves the task of preparing the 
afternoon programme. This programme is usually drawn 
from about four things: It is either a walk, a ride on a 
street car, a call upon a friend, or to go down town to “shop 
around and get samples.” Now, as the American women 
are not so fond of pedestrian exercise as their English cousins, 
a walk very rarely forms part of their programme. They 
complain that the cars do not run far enough for a nickel, 
and will, therefore, patronize them but seldom — as a means 
of spending their spare time. This leaves the question to 
be decided from one of two things: they must either call 
upon an acquaintance, or they must take in the dry-goods 
stores. 

Knowing as I do of their fondness for both of these, I 
hesitate to say which they give the preference to; but certain 


176 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


it is they do the latter far more frequently than the poor dry- 
goods clerks wish them to. 

Now, what I have to say is chiefly on the subject of 
“ shopping;” and I shall confine myself to remarks upon 
this alone; and as you are all men in the business w'here the 
greatest amount of “ shopping” is done, I hope they will be 
interesting. 

To commence with, as soon as one of these interesting 
couples have decided to pass the afternoon “ shopping,” the 
first question arising to them is: 

‘‘ What do we want?” 

“ Well I don’t want anything; do you?” 

“ Not a thing.” 

“ Oh! try and think^of something Mrs. Tirem.” 

“ I can’t, Mrs. Fussem; really I don’t need a single thing,’^ 

“ Well, let us think of something they are not likely to 
have.” 

And accordingly they put their heads together with this end 
in view. Now I have actually known women living in one of 
these large boarding-houses, cut a piece of cloth from an old 
dress and so change its color, that it would be impossible to 
match it from the largest stock in the country. The reason 
for doing this you will readily preceive, is to have first of 
all, an excuse for entering the store; and secondly, an ex- 
cuse for not purchasing; for what can salesmen say, if they 
are unable to match a customer’s sample? except “ they are 
sorry.” 

Then another species of shopper with more “ gall,” — to 
use a Yankee term — than the other women possessed; 
will come in, and after looking half an hour or so, at stuff 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


177 


she had no idea of buying, tell the clerk point blank he has 
not a large enough variety for her to choose from; and quietly 
walk out. Another set of cranks inform you that they don’t like 
to decide, without bringing the dressmaker, and will wait 
for her to see it. This excuse, makes a man think that the 
poor, soft creature, has not enough mind of her own, to de- 
termine what she can or shall wear; but this thought of his 
makes no difference to the “ shopper,” all she desires is to 
pass the time away, and having proved successful, she cares 
very little what the thoughts of the salesman are. Besides 
these excuses, which are by this time “ stale” to every man 
IN THE BUSINESS, I could enumerate at least a dozen of a 
similar character; but for the sake of brevity, I will refrain 
from doing so. 

If a woman would invent some new and entirely original 
mode of “ shopping,” I would not care half so much; but 
when they spring the old moss-covered racket upon you, ex- 
pecting to be believed, it is galling in the extreme. Oc- 
casionally, 1 have met with a woman making an excuse so 
widely different from the common run, that for the moment 
I have almost admired the creature for her ingenuity. 

One of these I will relate to you; and notwithstanding its 
absurdity, I could not help admiring the woman’s “ monu- 
mental gall,” if gall it was. But since -it occurred, I have 
frequently thought that it was not an exhibition of nerve but 
merely a bad case of absent-mindedness. But of this I will 
leave you to be the judges. Here is the yarn. 

Some years ago, while working in a western town of 
medium size, I was one morning called to wait upon a lady 
requiring gentlemen’s underwear. Now I had only been in 


12 


178 


UNVAKNISHED YARNS. 


the house a few weeks, and not knowing the woman to be a 
“chronic shopper,” I started in to show her a full line of 
goods. But everything I pulled down she would take a feel 
of and remark “too thin,” “too thin.” “You see my husband 
has such a weak chest and I am afraid to buy him any of 
these for fear they should not be warm enough.” 

Back I went again to the shelves and brought forth some 
heavy lambs-wool shirts, which I should have thought would 
have been thick enough and warm enough for the most 
delicate, but the same old “too thin,” “too thin,” came from 
the customer; and in despair I essayed to make a last effort 
to find something that was not “too thin.” As I stood there 
looking over the boxes for the size she wanted, my eye lit on 
one marked “all wool double breasted shirts.” Eureka, 
I cried. I’ll fix you now my lady, and out came the 
“double breasted shirts.” At last madam, I think I have 
found the very article you require. You say your husband 
has a weak chest? and must have something “extra heavy.” 
Now here is the exact thing a man suffering with a weak 
chest needs, “an all wool, double breasted shirt,” recom- 
mended by the medical faculty as a preventative from 
coughs and colds. 

“ What? a double-breasted shirt, why I never heard of 
such a thing; let me see it; well to be sure, well I declare, 
ain’t that nice, what next will they make I wonder. And 

ARE THE DRAWERS DOUBLE-BREASTED TOO?” 

Great Scott! gentlemen, when that woman put the ques- 
tion to me, my first impulse was to roar; but I did not; I 
just stood there, and looked her square in the eye to see if 
she were “ guying” me. But if she was, devil a bit of a 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 179 

sign did she make to that effect, but stood there without a 
bit of expression on her face, waiting for her answer. 

“ No, madam they are not,” I replied; and still having 
a lingering doubt of her innocence, I thought I would be 
sure about it and get back at her; so I quietly added: they 
were going to make the drawers the same way, but the only 
man understanding the manufacturing of them suddenly 
died, and the secret was buried with him. Never a smile, 
but “then you haven’t the drawers to match the shirts?” 
No madame, I am sorry, but I have not. 

“Then I can’t take them, for my husband w'ould never 
think of wearing an odd suit of underwear,” and without 
any further effort I let her go. 

When she had gone 1 discovered that she was one of the 
wwst “shoppers” in town; and you can bet your life, the 
next time she came into the store, I did not wait on her. 

Mr. Pole paused a moment at the conclusion of his yarn 
to take a drink and relight his pipe, which he had allowed 
to go out. When the fire had been applied he continued : 
Now I am speaking of American “shoppers” I will relate 
another incident, which for abnormal capriciousness, beats 
anything I have ever met with or even heard of in connec- 
tion with our trade. Like the previous narrative this also 
happened to myself; I can, therefore, vouch for its accuracy. 
A few years before I left America to return to England, I 
was working in one of the largest dry-goods stores in 
Chicago. Now if I am right in saying, the United States is 
the home of the “shopper,” I can, with an equal chance of 
being correct, state that Chicago is the school wherein they 
attain the highest degree of - proficiency; and from this 


180 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


school they will graduate at least a couple of years before 
those being trained in other cities. 

If such a rule as the one toentioned by Mr. Nelson some 
weeks ago — I mean the one dismissing a salesman on the 
spot for taking three “ swaps” — should be placed among 
those of some of the Chicago houses, the average length of 
service of the clerks employed therein would be about fifteen 
minutes. Why, gentlemen, you here in London have no 
idea of the number of women that will enter a Chicago 
store in the course of a day without ever dreaming of mak- 
ing a purchase. I have actually known two women walk into 
a store, and upon the floorwalker asking what they required, 
were bound to confess they did not know. Of course such 
instances are very rare, for their command ot '‘nerve” usually 
stands them in good stead. But think of it, fellows, 
especially those of you who are constantly complaining of 
the tough customers met with in London; how would you 
like to wait on this kind of trade? However let me relate my 
yarn and then you will be better able to form some concep- 
tion of the characters the dry-goods clerks of Chicago have 
to contend with. 

It was the middle of winter, and I had been transferred 
from the department in which I had worked through the 
summer to the woolens. One morning I was called to wait 
on an “ancient and modern female,” that is, what part of her 
was “natural” was “ancient,” but anything additional was 
decidedly “modern.” The fact of her being a maiden lady 
was self evident for the usual indications of a state of single- 
blessedness — or perhaps single-cussedness — were not want- 
ing in the least particular. 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


181 


Knowing the value of a little judicious flattery, I said 
“what do you wish to see Madam?” with the accent on the 
“ madam.” With a smile of great benignity, she replied: — 
RS sweetly as her soured spinster-hood would allow — “ some 
grey flannel, or something of that sort; anything will do if 
it is nice and warm, and all wool.” I thought I had run 
across a soft snap; but we get fooled once in a while, and I 
soon found this to be one of the occasions. 

“Oh no! that won’t do at all, dear me no; nor that. I 
couldn’t think of putting such rough stuff as that on the 
dear little thing. I want something softer and finer.” 

Out came something softer and finer — if I remember cor- 
rectly it was grey English broad-cloth, at three dollars a yard. 
— “No, that won’t do either; haven’t you got something more 
like this?” and as she spoke, she selected a sample, from a 
dozen or more obtained elsewhere. This was a revelation to 
me, and I tumbled to her racket at once, and mentally re- 
solved to refuse her a sample if she should ask for one. 

When I returned with a piece of cloth as near like her 
sample as we had in the stock, the “ old chromo^' was busily 
engaged in turning her hand-satchel inside out. 

Did any of you fellows ever get a chance to examine the 
contents of an American woman’s hand bag? No, then you 
don’t know what you have missed. No one would ever be- 
lieve that the array of articles laid upon my counter, could 
ever have been taken from that little bit of a six by eight 
bag the old — very old — “ girl” was still rummaging in. 
Already she had turned out two handkerchiefs, the front part 
of a wig, a powder puff, a comb, two sets of false and beau- 
tiful teeth, a small bottle of smelling salts — to use in case a 


182 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


man looked at her — several old gloves, and the inevitable 
package of candy; which no doubt in a great measure ac- 
counted for the presence of the false teeth; these together 
with a batch of other feminine articles, the names of which 
I do not know, were scattered in confusion over the counter. 

Supposing the “ antique” creature had lost her purse, or 
some other valuable, I, being of a compassionate nature, 
offered to assist in the search. 

“ It is not my purse, but a sample I am looking for;” she 
informed me, “ and it was the exact color I wanted to match; 
but I am afraid I have lost it. Dear! dear! what shall I do 
if I have? I can’t come down town again before to-morrow, 
and that means ‘ Poor Clara’ will have to go cold 
another day;” and the old lad}'^ showed signs of great dis- 
tress; but a sudden thought striking her, her “ decorated” face 
brightened, and she exclaimed: “Oh! perhaps I left it at 
Fields. I was in there a few moments ago, but they 
couldn’t match it for me. You just leave these here a few 
minutes and I’ll go down there and see if I can find it.’^ 
Saying this, she began to gather up her rubbish and replace 
it in the satchel, and I walked away to wait on another cus- 
tomer. 

I had only gone a few steps however before I heard the 
‘‘old virgin” shriek out: “Young man, young man, come 
here please; I have found my sample, I pulled it out with 
some of my other things and let it fall on the floor; here 
it is.” 

Now what in the devil do you suppose this “ old corkscrew- 
framed chroino” handed me for a sample? Can’t imagine; 
no of course you can’t imagine, neither could anyone else; 
so I’ll tell you. 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


183 


It was about half a dozen short grey hairs, not the sort of 
grey hairs that are brought with sorrow to the grave, oh, 
no; these had always been grey and always would be; for 
they were nothing more or less than a few hairs from the 
coat of a “ dog,” tied together with a piece of silk thread. 
This then was the poor little thing who could not possibly 
■wear a coat made of cloth at three dollars a yard. This also 
must have been the young lady referred to as “ Poor Clara,” of 
whose comfort her tender and ancient guardian had been so 
solicitous. Ridiculous as the circumstance was, I never 
cracked a smile but received the sample with as much “ sang 
froid” as I would have done, had I been engaged in match- 
ing cloth to dog’s hairs all my life. 

“ Oh!” gasped the “ancient and modern,” with a sigh of 
relief. “ 1 am so glad I found it before I left the store, for I 
am quite sure I should have lost it altogether if I had gone 
away; do you think you can match it?” 

“Oh yes, I think so; that is, I guess I can give you some- 
thing near enough.” 

“ No! it will have to be the precise shade-, I could not 
dream of putting a blanket on poor little ‘ Clara,’ if it was 
not the exact color of her coat,” 

Wishing to get the thing over, I took down another roll 
and sharply said, this is the nearest I can give you, will 
it do? 

“ Oh, my no, that won’t do; are you sure you haven’t any- 
thing amongst all those rolls nearer than that?” 

“ Quite sure.” 

But still she was not satisfied and began to poke around 
with her umbrella. “There what’s that? That looks nearer. 


184 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


let me see it.” This made me hot, and I cut her off by say- 
ing: “ Madam, I guess I know what’s in these shelves 
better than you; and when I say that is the nearest, why it’s 
the nearest, that’s all. 

“ Well, then I don’t know what I shall do, I have been to 
every store in this city and can’t find a piece of goods in it 
to make my poor little Clara a blanket. Perhaps you have 
a remnant, I only want three-eights of a yard!” 

This inforihation was not calculated in the least to incite 
me to further efforts in the direction of becoming a “ dog 
clothier,” and observing many other customers at the 
counter — one at least of whom might have come to buy — I 
let her slide; and with a silent prayer (?) for both her and 
“ poor Clara,” I tackled the next and got a “ six-quarter.” 


U/om (?9 U/1)0 1655(^9 tl)e (^l^apoes of Dry-^oods 
^u(?r S'??'*?? Inside of Jleauei). 

The house in which I was employed was one of many 
owned by the same firm, who had their headquarters in the 
West-end of London; and branch establishments had also 
been opened in many of the large cities in different parts of 
England. 

In addition to the provincial branches were two of no 
small magnitude in London — one in the East-end and the 
other in the North-west. To the latter I had some months 
before been-transferred from the main house, and every day 
brought some similar change. Sometimes two or three men 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


185 


would be sent to our house from Liverpool, and at other times 
three or four would be dispatched from our own ranks to fill 
vacancies occurring in the Manchester or some other of the 
many establishments scattered about the country. 

It was a rule of the firm when engaging the services of 
any man, to make him distinctly understand that by enter- 
ing their employ he did so with a perfect willingness to be 
•changed from one shop to any other under their manage- 
ment, either in London or the provinces; and I, being no 
exception to the rule had, of course, obtained my situation 
only after my acquiescence had been given. 

Now, I was very comfortable in my then present quarters, 
and it was with much regret I was informed one morning of 
the intention to transfer me with two others to the East-end 
branch. One of the fellows selected to accompany me 
towards the rising sun, I found upon making inquiries to be 
Mr. Pole, the “ American,” and when this fact became 
known to the members of our club, many were the expres- 
sions of sorrow at his departure; for as I have somewhere 
previously observed, this gentleman, by reason of his large 
and varied experience and his ability and ever ready willing- 
ness to comply with the demands of our chairman, had be- 
come one of the most, if not the most entertaining of our 
numbers. But what is to be will be, and that settles it; so 
making the best of a bad job, we started in to enjoy the 
comforts and delights offered by our club-room over the 
“Crown” for what would in all probability prove to be the 
last time. 

It was Friday the unwelcome intelligence had come to us, 
and as we were to report for business in our less aristocratic 


186 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


quarters on Monday morning, but one more evening remained 
for us to spend in the company of our club mates, and you 
can depend upon it, when I say we did not allow this chance 
to slip through our fingers. 

When Mr. Lane had that evening called the meeting to 
order, he rose and made the following remarks: Gentlemen, 
it is with many regrets I have to announce the speedy de- 
parture from our midst of three of our number. Not merely 
on account of the vacant seats they will leave, but by reason 
of the fact that we are likely to experience much difficulty 
in getting fellows to occupy them, who will prove themselves 
to be as interesting and desirable as those quitting them. 
Particularly is this true of our esteemed friend, Mr. Pole — 
or as he is better known among us, the “ American” — and I 
cannot speak too highly of the manner in which he has at 
all times endeavored to not only amuse, but instruct his 
audiences; as this will be the last opportunity we shall have 
of listening to him, I, knowing of an intention on the 
part of several young men here to-night to shortly emigrate 
to the United States, shall again impose upon our friend’s 
good nature by asking him to relate a few more of his ex- 
periences gathered from that country. 

At the conclusion of our chairman’s remarks, such a roar 
of applause went up from every throat in the room, that the 
only thing I wonder at is, our ears were left in a condition to- 
hear anything more that evening; fortunately however, mine 
at least received no injury and I Avas able to listen to the last of 
these “ yarns” and facts.” As soon as sufficient quietness 
to allow his being heard had been obtained, tbe “ American” 
stood up and in a few well-chosen Avords, thanked the friends 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


187 


he was so soon to part from for the very enthusiastic man- 
ner his name had been received for the last time in their 
club-room, then began: Our worthy chairman has just dis- 
closed the intention of some here to-night to shortly go west;, 
to these my remarks will be chiefly addressed. In the first 
place, do not for a moment suppose all you have to do to 
make a fortune is to set your feet in the country and gather it 
oft’ the streets at your leisure; for by so doing, you are liable to 
great disappointment; no my friends; in America as in Eng- 
land, or anywhere else, if you are poor and would be rich, you 
must use both your wits and your hands to obtain your desire. 
Further than this, do no not allow yourself to become imbued 
with the idea, that your services would be such a great 
acquisition to any house fortunate enough to hire you, that 
they will create a struggle between rival employers, each and 
every one anxious to get the first chance of obtaining them^ 
upon learning of the arrival at the wharf of the steamship in 
which you have taken passage. If any such ideas have 
taken possession of your minds, dispel them at once for it is 
better to go into a new country, knowing that if it is work 
you are after, you will have to get up and look for it and not 
wait for it to come and find you. 

The third piece of advice I would offer to you is this: If 
your finances are in such a condition that they will not per- 
mit you to go further west than New York or some of the 
other large cities in the east, stay where you are; for take 
my word for it, you are better off than you would be if you 
went to New York with insufficient money to take you 
farther west. I have been there three times, and upon each 
occasion looked for employment. What do you suppose they 


188 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


offered me? “ Seven to twelve dollars a week, to live out.” A 
man in London earning £60 a year besides his P. M.’s, is 
infinitely better off, as he has no actual expenses excepting 
those of clothes and washing; I would, therefore, impress 
upon your minds the error of going to America if you do 
not intend to go into the far west. I have related to you 
many- incidents of American female character met with in 
the dry-goods stores of that country, but I hope none of 
these will have the effect of deterring any of you from mak- 
ing your intended visit; for believe me, if you want to see 
the world, get out and see it while you are young — remem- 
bering always that it is the best school for a young man to 
be educated in. 

Now, I shall take it for granted that no one among you 
having heard the narratives related by me, is coward enough 
to allow them to knock the idea of speedy emigration out of 
his head; and this being the case, I will recount for your 
edification a few more yarns descriptive of another obnoxious 
species of females met with — thank God, not very frequently 
— in the American trade. 

This woman enters a store expecting to find therein noth- 
ing but slaves to do her bidding. America can say what she 
pleases upon the subject of “equality,” but the class of 
women I am about to speak of is a living proof of the fallacy 
of the theory, ^\'hy, my God, I have actually seen women 
bounce into a store, and snapping their fingers at the first 
olerk they see — not even waiting for him to address them — 
cry out, “ come here, you,” in much the same tone they 
would use towards a dog. And too often is it the case that 
the unfortunate clerk, through the force of circumstances, has 
to obey her after the manner of a cur. And why is this? 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


189 


I will tell you: It is because the woman, acting in such 
a brutal way, “ has usually more money than the clerk,’' 
and “ always more money than breeding.” 

I remember such a woman who had lived in a Kansas 
town nearly all her married life. She had emigrated there 
with her husband from some point in the East, to 
settle on a Government claim. Years rolled on, and what 
the Yankees call a “ boom,” struck the town near which 
their land was located. Now a boom, when it once strikes a 
place, is remarkably active, and in a very short space of 
time the “ claim” became a part of the city itself; and land, 
barely able to raise anything but sunflowers and grass- 
hoppers, was held at a fabulous price. This price at length 
being offered the owner accepted, built a house on the high- 
toned residence avenue, and the suddenly enriched family 
at once take up their position in the society, the gates op 

WHICH ARE UNLOCKED BY WEALTH RATHER THAN CULTURE. 

Whenever I saw this woman enter our store, I always had busi- 
ness requiring my immediate attention in some other part of 
the establishment, for I had soon discovered the kind of craft 
she was. 

One day she sailed in with every stitch of canvas flnng 
to the. breeze, and for a wake could be observed a very com- 
mon place old lady, whom the haughty creature would ad- 
dress as “mother,” — when she could do so without any 
danger of being overheard. She wanted to look at silks, but 
as these were kept at the first counter inside the store, it was 
necessary for her, in order to display her gaudy appearance 
to those in the rear of the establishment, to pass by, and 
walking up one aisle as far as she could go, return by the 
other, and then join her mother at the silk counter. 


190 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


One of the fellows went forward, and I pitied him, for 
well I knew he would have a rough “ passage.” 

“ Show me some brown silks?” she snapped. 

“ Yes madam, light or dark brown?” 

“ Oh I don’t know; show me all you’ve got, and hurry up 
about it.” 

The unlucky clerk started in and showed her piece after 
piece; but of everything he placed before her, she had some 
cutting remark to make.” 

“ You don’t suppose I’d wear a thing like that do you? 
The very idea; why I wouldn’t be seen on the street wearing 
such common trash — the time had been, when she was glad 
to wear a twenty-five cent worsted dress — is two dollars a 
yard the best silk you have?” 

“ It is in colors, madam; but we have much better grades 
in black.” 

“Well then why don’t you show them to me? You 
ought to know these are not good enough for me.” 

Here her mother ventured to remark: “ but my dear its 
no use of you looking at black, if you want brown. The 
kind-hearted old lady only got sat upon for her temerity 
however. 

“Well, what if it is? that don’t make any difference; let 
him show them anyway; I guess it won’t hurt him.” 

The amiable clerk took out several pieces of black and at 
last got her “ ladyship” to admit one at four dollars a yard 
was good enough to adorn even her most important person. 

“ But I don’t wan’t it, it’s brown 1 want. I am going to 
have a dress made over, and wan’t some brown silk to go 
with it; here is a piece of the goods I want to match.” And 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


191 


will you believe it, this woman actually had a sample which 
she had not offered to show until she had put the salesman to so 
much trouble. When I saw this my blood fairly seethed; 
and not wishing her any harm, I still hoped she would break 
her neck before she reached home. 

The clerk however, didn’t lose his temper but found a per- 
fect match amongst the silks he had already shown her; 
and pushing the others aside, began to puff it in the usual 
manner. 

“ Where is my sample?” 

“ Here it is madam;” it was such a perfect match in color, 
that the customer had failed to observe it as it lay upon the 
piece of silk in front of her. 

“ Do you call that a good match?” 

“ Perfect,” replied the clerk. 

“ Well, I don’t; but one can’t tell anything about it in 
these dark stores. I believe you keep the light out on pur- 
pose to fool people;”- and without as much as “by your 
leave” she grabbed the bolt of silk in her arms and sailed 
off to the door. In less than a minute she “ went about” and 
was on her way back. When within two or three yards of 
the counter she deliberately pitched the piece of silk in its 
direction, intending it, I presume, to light thereon. But 
whatever might have been her endeavor, certain it is that 
she missed the counter and down went the silk in a confused 
mass upon the floor. 

Now you can all imagine what a piece of silk containing 
fifty or sixty yards would look like if allowed to fall; but 
you can form no conception of the appearance this piece 
presented when the contemptible woman gathered it up 


192 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


and bundled it in a heap on the counter. I do not believe 
there were half a dozen yards in their original folds; and 
he would be a smart man indeed who could straighten it 
out in less than fifteen minutes, for not only were the awns 
disturbed, but hardly a yard of it remained that had not 
become more or less soiled through coming in contact with 
the dusty floor. 

The mother of this amiable (?) creature gently re- 
monstrated with her for being so careless: “Why Fanny, 
she said, “ why don’t you be more careful? See what a lot 
of trouble you have made the clerk.” 

“Trouble, indeed. Pooh,” she said, “I would like to 
know what he is paid for, if it is not to take trouble with 
me?” and biting off a short, “ come on” to her “wake,” she 
sailed proudly out of the store, with her “jib” well up to the 
wind, and her “spanker” run out to its full dimensions. 

I could see that the salesman was bursting with fury; but 
the unfortunate wretch was married, and not one word did 
he offer by way of resenting the unfeeling insult, for well he 
knew the result of such a step would in all probability be 
his discharge. 

I will relate another incident of a similar nature; but in- 
stead of the woman acting in such a heartless and outrageous 
mannner, departing in proud stateliness, as the other had 
done, she left the store completely abashed; having met 
with a most wholesome rebuke from the courageous girl who 
had been the victim of her harsh and vulgar spleen. 

What I am about to relate, occurred in the last store in 
which I worked in the United States, in one of the largest 
cities on the Pacific Coast. 


UNVAKNISHED YARNS. 


193 


One Saturday night two women, both of whom were 
known by every clerk in the house, walked in and asked to 
be shown some cloaks; after giving them seats in the 
show-room, the floor walker called a young lady to wait on 
them. On the saleslady making her appearance she was 
met by one of the customers, who, calling her by name, 
drew her to one side and said: “ Mrs. Neversweat wants to 
look at cloaks, but I am almost sure you can’t suit her, she 
is so hard to please. 

The young lady wishing to make herself agreeable, smiled 
at this, and pleasantly remarked: “Oh no she is not; I only 
wish every customer was as easily suited as Mrs. Neversweat. 
Scarcely had the words fallen from her lips, when I heard 
the woman referred to as Mrs. Neversweat, jerk out in inso- 
lent tones: “Well I’m sure I don’t care whether you think 
me hard to please or not; I guess you are here to earn your 
living hy waiting on ladies?^ 

Now gentlemen, as I have long ago stated, I am opposed 
to the employment of females in our business; but when I 
think of the manner in which this young and beautiful girl 
treated this unfeeling woman, who, knowing her private 
circumstances rendered it necessary for her to do something 
for a living, deliberately made use of the advantage she 
possessed, by cruelly wounding her feelings; I almost wish I 
had a better excuse than the one adduced, for holding the 
views I do. 

In an instant the hot blood rushed to her temples, and 
her great brown eyes shot out the fire of indignation; and I 
who had seen and heard the whole thing, and knowing some- 
thing of the girl’s high spirit expected to witness 


13 


194 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


quite a scene. But nothing of a boisterous nature ensued; 
for the beautiful girl by an heroic effort, kept back the 
answer such an insult would be likely to call forth; and turn- 
ing quietly to the heartless wretch — with a face now so white 
her eyes appeared jetty black by contrast — in a low but firm 
voice said: 

“ Yes madam, you are quite right; I am here to earn a 
salary by waiting upon ‘ ladies.’ — with particular emphasis 
on ‘ ladies ’ — but ladies are never so unkind as to remind me 
of it.” . 

It was now Mrs. Neversweat’s turn to change color, and 
I felt as though I ought to applaud the signal victory won 
by this magnificent girl. You need not stare gentlemen, I 
repeat she was “ magnificent, and grandly noble;” for did 
she not by thus censuring this woman, teach her a lesson, 
the remembrance of which would be calculated to restrain 
her from repeating the injury? 

Certainly she did; and again I repeat that any girl having 
the courage to act as this one did, is magnificently noble. 
And it is the duty of every man and woman behind the counter 
to-day, to admire and feel grateful to such heroic women. 

Now, those of you intending to emigrate to America can 
go, knowing at least more than I did of some of the 
characters you Mali encounter in the dry-goods stores of that 
country. 

After Mr. Lane had thanked the “ American” for his 
hints and stories of the United States, he looked around the 
audience for another victim. Your humble servant was 
singled out, and bowing to the inevitable, proceeded to 
interest (or weary) the audience. But what I related 


UNVARNISHED YARNS. 


195 


will find no place in these pages; it being my intention to 
reserve it for future use. And now reader, (if you have 
had the patience to accompany me thus far) good-bye. 
Some day perhaps I will tell you the story I rehearsed to 
the members of our club in the comfortable quarters at the 
“Crown.” 


THE END. 



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